Can't handle PD cousin

[Nikki131313]

Backstory - I grew up with my cousins, much like siblings because our parents weren't very good at being parents. Our grandmother practically raised us. When we were younger my second youngest cousin wasn't like the rest of us. He had horrible anger from a very young age. As kids, we used to think he was spoiled. When we grew up he continued to get worse. He dropped out of school. He started doing drugs and so on and so forth. He had no interest in therapy and his mom and my grandma always made excuses. It was the other kids. It was his teachers. It was his therapists. They worked their butts off to appease and take care of him.

Fast forward into his 20s and it became clear he is BPD and he met a woman who was a narcissist. They had a child and their relationship was at first kind of normal. Then it degraded into a nightmare. Heavy drug use. Selling drugs. Lies. Suicide threats. Calling the cops. She slit his throat. She ran him over. Yet, he keeps going back. I know he will probably always go back.

I would have no contact except that my grandma and my aunt keep trying to keep him out of trouble. They figure he is fixable. He terrorizes the whole family every time they fall apart. My grandma won't stop keeping his baby even if she physically can't. My aunt still tries to do everything for him. He has a place to crash every time his gf hurts him. Part of me believes he manipulates them. I very much fear for their lives. I would like to be no contact with him, but my grandma keeps inviting it into the circle. It is very hard to go no contact with her since she is like 73 and like a mom to me. When I try to tell them that I can't handle this they tell me to not upset them. I just don't know what to do. Sorry for the vent.  I just have no one who seems to get it.

[Hepatica]

Dear Nikki,

That is a massive amount of stress and I really empathize with you. If you are here on this forum then that means you are learning what dysfunction means and looks like. You are becoming more educated and aware... but sadly your grandma and aunts are uneducated and playing the old co-dependent game. I feel for all of you because none of us want to "give up" on people. But sometimes we have to. We just do.

It looks like you've come to a very clear understanding of the situation and as hard as that is, it is good. Better to know what you are dealing with than to remain as your aunts and grandma are.

The first thing that I began to really get when it came to the dysfunction in my family was that I could not change anyone else. I could only change myself. And even when this involves people we love, we remove ourselves from danger.

Somehow you have to accept that you cannot change your cousin, grandma, aunts and the family belief they are choosing to force on you, that someone can change your cousin. He is the only one who can change himself and it sounds like this situation needs major professional expertise.

Sadly most of us have realized that the only way to heal and come to a place of peace is to disengage from the toxic dynamic. This may mean that you back away slowly from everyone who engages with your cousin. It's a very hard decision but it is also a very healthy, productive action.

You can be very direct with your aunts and grandma, if you feel strong enough and say: Please don't talk to me about cousin. I cannot fix him and I don't want to hear about the chaos anymore. If you want to talk to me, any talk of cousin is off limits.

This may not go well. And that's ok because at least you know. Then you move into not taking calls. It can go as far as you have someone else read your text messages and filtering out anything that will stress you out when you receive communication from them.

The problem with people who are out of control like your cousin is they will drag everyone into their chaos and the only way not to be dragged in is to be very strong and move away from it. Cut contact. Realize it is essential to save yourself.

I'm really sorry that this is happening. It sounds so terrible and I feel for your family. But you don't have to live by the choices of your cousin, grandma or aunts. You don't have to let them gaslight you and tell you this is manageable and he will change and that YOU are upsetting them.  No, no, no.... you are not upsetting them.  You are very wise and intelligent and you see this situation exactly as it is. It is bad and you do not have to be involved in it.

Remember self-care is not selfish. It is the right thing to do and the key to a healthier, much more peaceful life and I wish this for you. Thank you for sharing your problem with us and I hope you find some relief talking about it. Best of luck and keep posting when you need to.

Focus on you now. You and your healing. That is the one thing you have control over and the best thing really.