need feedback about idea

[desertpine]

I've had a marathon committee meeting in my head for the past several days. All these different parts of me have been trying to figure out what steps to take or not take after a falling out with my family. My uNPD mother took offense last summer to a conversation we were having about social justice issues.  Weeks later, my sister got wind of this and texted hateful messages about how much I've hurt the family over the years. And at that time my dad emailed to tell me my mom was upset and I should smooth things over with her. It got messy and very confusing because the three of them were telling me different things and my mom said she didn't want to talk to me about it.
Since then, I've tried assertive and factual responses - asking for her to talk to me directly about what is upsetting her so that I don't get mixed messages or hateful messages from 3rd parties. And I asked her to clarify what the issue was, what upset her since I heard different things from different people. She sent a letter saying she felt hurt, that she thinks I was judging her unfairly. And that she had nothing to do with my sister or dad reaching out to me about her being upset.
I'm thinking about sending a short message that I agree to not bring up the subject matter we had been talking about and to ask her to come to me directly and promptly with issues so that I don't hear it from others first.
Then I can go grey rock/medium chill.
Thoughts? Feedback?
thanks..

[Starboard Song]

Directly asking for clarity is always good, and setting expectations for the future is good, too.

I'd encourage you to pause before writing a message and get into a slightly different frame of mind. Like it or not, good or bad, right or wrong, your M is not likely to be feeling warm and fuzzy as she reads your note: she's defensive. So, to achieve success, I'd encourage you to write like you are consoling a young child you adore, not making a contract with a hostile party.

I'd avoid, when you finally write it, phrases like "directly and promptly," and instead use open heart lines like, "Mom, we won't always agree. But when I inevitably frustrate you, please know that you can tell me that. I'll hear you out and we can make adjustments. I don't want to ever let frustrations grow when we can work together blah blah blah."

You see where I am headed. I just know that this is the kind of letter that may be judged unfairly, so laying on a little honey is not out of line. It costs you nothing and will help achieve your goal of peace.

[desertpine]

Thank you Starboard Song - that is really helpful. I need to soften before I send her a message. I know I'm feeling some strong emotions and need to take some time to get into a different headspace.