They won't leave/ stress and depression

[strivingfornormal]

I have had my Mom and my brother living with me since the Autumn, as they couldn't find a place to live. I had nowhere to live for a few years, and they wouldn't let me live there, my brother had also always been possessive of my Mom. I now have two dogs and have an online job where I only get one day off each week. My Mom and my brother are paying half of some of the utilities, but nothing toward the rent, and I feel like I'm going out of my mind. My brother takes over where my Mom is concerned, so my Mom (in her 70s) fades away, my brother doesn't work and usually my Mom pays for everything. I suspect she is enjoying getting a break from that here. They lived with my sister for a month before this, and recently I said they needed to go back (it's nearly been 3 months with me), my sister said no. The dynamic is toxic, my brother has no idea of money and because they are paying half of the gas bill (half, then half between them) he wants to have it on all the time (it's a cold house), but this drives up my half of the bill. He puts a few things in the dishwasher only then puts it on which costs money in electricity. I work every day but work for myself,hourly, so am not rich - I can feel myself spiralling as I feel like I'm working just to pay bills they mount up. I want them both to leave so I can have my house and my sanity back. Any advice as I am not coping.

[Boat Babe]

They will stay forever if you let them. You are going to have to take a very deep breath, tell them this is not working for YOU and give them a deadline to find somewhere else to live. It won't be easy and the brown stuff will hit the fan but what are your options here?

A horrible situation for you and we all understand your position. Sending hugs..

[Sneezy]

Give them a firm date by which they must be out of your house.  And then don't back down.  They will make you feel guilty, but you need to stand firm.  The guilt and the drama will be difficult for you and you will be tempted to give in.  But if you give in, you will have a very short period of relief followed by even worse times than you are having now.  It's your house.  You are an adult.  Therefore, you get to choose who lives in your house.

I know it's hard.  Standing up for yourself when you're used to always giving in and being the nice person who helps others is so tough to do.  But sometimes you need to put your boundaries up and save yourself.  Good luck!

[strivingfornormal]

I already backed down a few days ago, as I was going to move out at the end of February anyway, but now am not. I am finding it REALLY draining and emotionally hard. My Mom brought up earlier that she let me live with her 'for years' (as an adult), which was true - but then the last few years when I was homeless she didn't let me live there. I told her it's not the same thing. She says it is. My brain is fried and I can't focus. I shut down around my Mom as it's always her reality she pushes, not mine. She says 'you have the space, how is it a problem we're here?' 'You'd be paying the same rent for just you' 'We pay half the gas and electric so we're not in the way'. It's how she sees it that goes. If I talk about them moving out or ask about rentals available I am blocked. They want the thermostat on to suit their schedule, rather than mine. I am having to share my bathroom with them, my kitchen, my fridge (where my food keeps getting thrown away) my lounge, my tv. They watch things I don't like, - things that are violent and about murder etc, which disturb me. They throw out the trash but don't do their own recycling, so I have three times as much recycling that I do, just to keep the place clear of trash. There are two of them and one of me, neither one is working or making an attempt to get a job. I am really fighting to keep my head above water emotionally and assert myself. They are here ALL the time.  I wrote a long email about this to my two other sisters but neither one has stepped up. I have chosen to live on my own and not with roomates, for this reason.  My Mom doesn't call out my brother on not having a job, as he is about to start college, so she covers for him.
They are looking for a certain type of place to rent, in a certain area, so are not taking anything available - they are waiting it out, in my house.

[strivingfornormal]

PS I just went and told them afresh that they have 2 weeks. The brown stuff really hit the fan. My Mom said I can't do that legally (even though she doesn't live here) and that I would have to throw her out, and that she would call the police. She then said f*** you a couple of times. I explained that I can't deal with them here and the stress is making me go out of my mind. I told her she is only seeing this from her side. I am sticking to it this time.

[Thru the Rain]

Wow!! "You'll have to call the police", "f*** you" and I'm sure a bunch of other nasty things that you didn't share here.

THIS is how your M thinks of you. 

You didn't get "how can we rearrange things so this works for you?".

You didn't get "I'm sorry and I'll change x, y, and z behavior".

Instead, you got a full on tantrum. If you have any doubts about your decision in the coming weeks, re-read your post from a few minutes ago and remember what your M *actually* thinks of you.

And start researching what you need to do to legally get them out of the house. You may very well need to call the police - and you can thank your M for letting you know in advance that you need to line them up.

[nanotech]

You're not living your life. They are. All your choices have been hijacked and you are not enjoying being in your own home. It sounds as if you are beginning to feel like a Stranger there.
The way you were spoken to is pretty abusive. Yes you can call the police if they won't leave. That will be their doing, not yours.
Paying half the utilities ? - but they are putting these bills up so high by their sloppy and inconsiderate usage.
I'm glad you have made a stand. They will probably try love bombing you now to soften you. Followed by abuse when you don't respond.
Btw it doesn't matter if you lived with your mum in the past, that was her choice to have you there. This was not your choice - it was forced on you. Having 'space' in your home doesn't mean that you should expect a crowed of relatives to move in and occupy it. Living rent free and not getting jobs? Absolutely not.

[Sneezy]

If you go to the toolbox section of this website, you can read more about JADE - Justify, Argue, Defend, and Explain.  The thing is you don't have to justify, argue, defend, or explain your position to anyone, not even your mother.  The question is not "what can I do?" or "what am I able to do?"  Rather, the question to ask yourself is "what am I willing to do?"  And the answer is probably something very reasonable, such as "I am willing to give mom and brother two weeks from today to find another apartment of their own."  That's it.  End of discussion.  You don't owe them any explanation or justification.  Just the facts.  They need to be out in two weeks time.  The past doesn't matter.  Who cares who did what or who lived where back then.  All that matters is what you are willing to do, right now, today, in your own home.

Your home is your haven from the world.  You have every right to come home to your own home and live there in peace and quiet by yourself, exactly the way you want to live.  I know there are people who love a house full of extended family and constant chaos and activity.  I'm not one of those people and it doesn't sound like you are either.  There is nothing better than having your own peaceful place to come home to, where you answer to no one but yourself.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Wow. What everyone else said. But am I reading that right, that your mother said SHE would call the police on YOU? What would she claim, squatter's rights? I dare her. She'd be in for a rude awakening.

[Fiasco]

Call the police and ask them to explain/reassure you of your rights. Ask them how exactly would be best to get and keep them out. Probably some sort of written notice followed up by changing the locks while they're out. The police may be able to have an officer with you when it happens. Many years ago I asked for and was granted an officer to accompany me to my house to get a few things so I could stay somewhere safe until my locks were changed. They would rather be on hand to make sure things go smoothly than respond to a messy domestic disturbance. Good luck, you deserve your peace and freedom.

[strivingfornormal]

I have just gone to make my dinner in the kitchen, both were sitting there. Neither one said a word to me. I made my dinner, then when I left said 'if you're not going to talk to me for 2 weeks do you think it's best to leave sooner'. No answer. I said the same thing again. No answer. Then my Mom said 'I'm trying to eat my dinner in peace, f*** off'. I told her she can't speak to me like that in my house. My brother then said he wouldn't be 'bullied' while he is eating and wanted to eat in peace. I want my Mom out tomorrow. What are everyone's thoughts? I am now not sleeping and very stressed even moment to moment. My dogs can sense it, and it's a hostile environment. Am I within my rights to book my Mom into a hotel from tomorrow and change the locks?

[Andeza]

Please don't pay another cent for these people, not even a hotel if you can help it. Because when they don't pay, the hotel will come after you for the bill. Personally, if I gave two weeks notice, I'd give two weeks to get out. But, that's me. Instead of dreading the next two weeks, try to focus on the finish line. Them. Leaving. Permanently!

And yes, I agree with everyone else here, look into the law and make sure it's on your side.

[Poison Ivy]

 

[nanotech]

I have just gone to make my dinner in the kitchen, both were sitting there. Neither one said a word to me. I made my dinner, then when I left said 'if you're not going to talk to me for 2 weeks do you think it's best to leave sooner'. No answer. I said the same thing again. No answer. Then my Mom said 'I'm trying to eat my dinner in peace, f*** off'. I told her she can't speak to me like that in my house. My brother then said he wouldn't be 'bullied' while he is eating and wanted to eat in peace. I want my Mom out tomorrow. What are everyone's thoughts? I am now not sleeping and very stressed even moment to moment. My dogs can sense it, and it's a hostile environment. Am I within my rights to book my Mom into a hotel from tomorrow and change the locks?

They are both behaving like nasty thugs really. I'm sorry to say it. They are trying to bully and browbeat you into backing down. You need someone on your side. You have us.
If you can bear it, try not to expect any civilised behaviour, and try to ignore the silent treatment. Silent treatment is bullying. I've had it done to me at work, and it isn't pleasant.
It must be much worse if it's in your own home, and it's family doing it. My own brother has shown ignoring behaviour to me and mine. Thankfully I don't live with him.
I'm sending you sympathy, hugs and lots of support.
Medium chilling the silent treatment takes away its power. Don't let them see it bothers you. There's two of them, and they are ganging up. Stay strong and quietly know you are in the right and you hold all the cards.

They are incredibly rude and entitled.
How dare they complain about YOU disturbing THEIR meals?
They can eat their meals 'in peace' when they have left your home! That's YOUR kitchen.
Let them be silent and sulky around you. So what?
They've taken advantage of your kindnesses for long enough.
Put yourself in an imaginary bubble of protection until they've gone, then change the locks. Don't worry about what they might say and don't engage with their complaints or tears, or whatever they try.
Don't allow them to press any guilt buttons.
There's no requirement to explain anything to them. You simply need your personal space - as we all do. It's normal and natural- and even more essential if our family members are PDs.

[Medowynd]

Check your local laws.  You may need an eviction notice.  Since you aren't moving until the end of February, you have the 30 days to notify them.

[Poison Ivy]

 

[strivingfornormal]

The brown stuff really has hit the fan tonight and I have had a huge blow out with my Mom, with many home truths told. She tried to negotiate my deadline with me, after I'd made all the arrangements, and had even called a hotel to try and make things easier. I came home from the store and she said she needed to talk to me, and went on to say that 2 weeks isn't enough time and that I can't do this, that she will call the police. I really got upset and all my feelings came out, my brother said nothing. I broke into tears in front of my Mom as everything poured out, she was just blank and sort of confused about why I would feel these things. She said how she would call this person and that person to find out her rights, and even my Dad (who is not in my life, which is how I want it) . I have now told her they need to go tomorrow and have changed the hotel reservation, and given them cab money. I told her she needed to ask others in the family for help, she said how this is not fair on them, I told her it is not fair on me. In her mind I have space for her, but as I said that space is space she is taking up. She does not see my boundary and tried to negotiate til the bitter end, I feel awful and told her it's upsetting, but that I can't give any more. And that whatever I give is not enough and is soon forgotten. I'm sure my neighbor heard and it was a horrible situation. We have not spoken the past few days, and I told her just now she only thinks about herself. I told her I had nowhere to live for 3 years and bounced around different places, she had a place for me to live where I went as a back up but for as long as I could I stayed in different places to not have to go back home. She doesn't see that, only the times I had to go back home. And did say she thinks this is the same thing. Ie why can't she stay with me, as I stayed with her. I am not getting through so have had to do this. Please tell me this is not a hateful thing to do as I have just reached my limit. I told her people have limits, even me, and that she needs to see when her child is suffering. She said I'm not a child and need to grow up, that she can't carry me. I said I can't carry her, and she's the one who needs to grow up.

[Thru the Rain]

You are not being hateful. You have a right to peace in your home. You have a right to take care of yourself - including your mental wellbeing. You aren't responsible to financially take care of other adults. And to the extent you do take care of other people, you are allowed to change the arrangement if it doesn't work for you.

I recently found this list of "what boundaries sound like" on Pintrest. Hopefully the link here will work: https://www.pinterest.com/pin/120612096259285330/ Some of these really resonated with me, and might be helpful for you.

[Hilltop]

You are not being hateful at all.  Do you want to know what is hateful.......telling someone to f*ck off in their own house.  That is hateful and you will see it once they are gone and you can finally breathe.  This is not healthy having them live with you.  They haven't been fair to you either, they didn't help you with rent, they paid half the utilities but there is two of them and one of you.  You have been nothing but generous and kind to them and they respond with giving you the silent treatment and telling you to f*ck off.

Next time your mom tells you that she is going to call the police, tell her to do it.  Your name is on the rent, not theirs, their name isn't even on the utility bills, have some ready to show proof that you are the actual tenant.  Call her bluff, tell her to call the police on her own son.  They are trying to bully you.

You are right to get them out as soon as you can, change the locks and don't look back.  There is a reason your sister won't take them back in, you do not need to feel guilty over this, you are not hateful, you have been kind and generous.

[nanotech]

I'm not sure if you are in the US or the UK. If you are in the UK there are organisations that can help them find somewhere to live after they've gone to the hotel.They can contact them now.  But they need to do that themselves.
You have done enough.
There will be lots of things they can do, support they can seek, but they  are refusing to help themselves.
I've had pressure out on me to have my sister live with me when she was being evicted. My father kept ranting on about my spare bedroom. That room wasn't spare. But if it had been....? At the time I was still in the fog and might even have said yes!
I think I saved my sanity by saying no. I also pointed out to my dad that my sister wouldn't be made homeless. There were options for her,  she had to apply for benefits. Then she rang me, telling me not to interfere! They try to take what's not theirs. We can love them, but we don't have to set ourselves on fire to keep them warm. And we don't have to like them.
Sis was fine. She's now on benefits and in a small but decent rented flat.

I've come a long way. I realise that for years I was made to feel responsible for her happiness. She would make all of the bad choices and I would run round like a headless chicken trying to fix it all for her.
Your mum and bro need to live independently and not live off you and ruin your home life. At the moment, it's YOU who has no home.
They know deep down that they are being grossly selfish.
The actual most loving thing you can do for them is make them stand on their own feet.