Why Do People Stay in Abusive Relationships?

[Wolf]

Wow, Wolf some of the attitudes you've developed are shockingly similar to mine. Or at least I think they might be.

Up front, I think your BPD mom likely damaged you worse than you may realize. If you're not in therapy I'd recommend it. I wish someone had pushed me towards therapy in my mid 20's.

"I don't understand what the benefit is to staying in the relationship."

It's the devil you know versus the devil you don't. Can you imagine how scary everything would be if you suddenly gave up the life you'd led for longer than you Wolf have been alive? Dating, housing, not to mention your mom's revenge.

Also, how much damage did your mom do to you in 18 odd years and how did that change you? He's been taking damage for much longer.

"I feel like in the cases where there is every opportunity to leave and no actual coercion involved, it's the only reasonable explanation."

I don't know if you're suggesting your dad experiences no coercion or not. In case you are: BPD's are terrified of abandonment and will do anything to keep their parter around. I guarantee he's experienced coercion at any whiff of him leaving.

You said your dad stayed to keep your mom from getting full custody of you. I doubt that your life or a lot of his life would  have been any better if he'd left.

My dad did divorce my BPD mom when I was 5.  When she saw the end of their marriage looming she made a suicide attempt. I got to witness it at 4 years old. This is apparently a common behavior for BPD's in this situation. Anything to get them back—it's not an attempt meant to succeed.

I got the trauma of that and other experiences and of the divorce itself.

My mom got primary custody of me. I got to take care of my mom alone 5 days a week instead of him. Dad tried and tried to get me out, but no matter what he could demonstrate about her in court the judge said "a child belongs with his mother." So he got to watch powerlessly from the sidelines.

Also, my dad was out, but he wasn't really out. He still had to deal with my mom all the time for 13 more years because of me. She'd use me as leverage and to get back at him. She'd use anything and everything to hurt him. She got him arrested when he couldn't pay enough child support and at 6 or so I got to watch that too. He still did everything for me and she did nothing, so he wasn't better off.

My BPD mom did a lot of damage to me and I was all alone for most of it with no one there to protect me.

You know your story, so you can compare. Bad is bad, and degree doesn't matter, but the grass is not any greener over here.

"I have become an almost coldly rational person (perhaps as a result of dealing with BPD behavior for so long)."



"For one thing, I don't understand marriage. Why would someone sign a legally binding contract to another person, when there is no guarantee that that person will not turn on them one day?"

As a child of divorce and everything else I really had to wrestle with the concept of marriage.

I think that committed is committed, married or not. Why would anyone ever trust anyone not to turn on them enough to even be in the relationship in the first place?

The marriage does make the practicalities messier if someone wants to leave, but leaving is still really messy.

I got married when I decided I was ready to have kids. That's how I justified it. It only makes sense if you're planning to have kids or if there's some other legal reason. I decided it's just easier in some ways, and shared kids are more of a bond than marriage will ever be.

"And why would someone follow a religion that controls their life and tells them that taking abuse is good ("turn the other cheek" etc.) l'm not judging it. I legitimately cannot understand it."

I don't understand it either. I'd actually love to have a longer talk about this specifically.

Please don't anyone get mad with my view of religion. I'm only speaking for myself and my feelings. I'm not trying to offend anyone with my strong views.

This is an offensive trigger warning:

I have huge angry issues with religion (and I wasn't raised with it). I consider raising your kids in a religion to be a form of child abuse. You're controlling an important part of your child's reality from birth.

If I'd had the internet you did I'd have probably done exactly what you did. I don't think it's necessarily an anger fix, or not one in the way you described.

I think religion represents my BPDm in some way for me. In religion someone messes with your reality from birth, which is exactly what a BPD does. You cannot shake a BPD's irrational faith in things no matter how much reason you throw at them. I think religious faith is just like BPD faith. You can't understand how they can believe so strongly in something that's so obviously untrue to you.

If you brought someone in and showed them your BPDm's beliefs and the evidence against them they'd side with you. Religion is almost worse because the majority of the world doesn't side with you, AND you're required to respect that.

I see someone religious and I just want to fix them. I can't fix them anymore than my BPDm. It's so frustrating!

I don't get constant literal reminders of BPDm everywhere I go, but religion is a pervasive and omnipresent unconscious reminder and it makes me angry that I have to deal with it and respect it.

I realize that's not a remotely typical viewpoint, and again I apologize if anyone is offended.

Interesting and thoughtful response, thanks. Wish I had more time to address everything in it. You're right that I can't understand the relationship from his point of view. Am I damaged by my mom? I suppose to some extent yes, but I also think that there were benefits to growing up in that environment. I have developed a very tenacious and resilient personality which led me to get a degree in math even though I was initially terrible at math when I started working on it.

At the same time, I do have personality issues that I recognize. I'm not sure there's much I can do about them. I struggle a lot in the area of romantic relationships (though I have good regular friendships), and I'd much rather sleep around than get married and have a family, though neither one are happenning right now! Also think about sex constantly and have been practically addicted to porn for a long time.  I also get addicted to stuff like video games lol, but I think the real addiction is to constantly having my mind occupied and stimulated.