Starting NC with Daughter

[Daniella]

I have a 31 year old daughter, only daughter out of four children.  Almost 3 years ago, I was in an auto accident which left me with a mild brain injury, which took some time to heal from, and I will always have some short term memory issues.  Since I have been unhappy in my marriage for several years, I decided to take my settlement, buy a house, and get a divorce.  My daughter supported my plan, saying it was good idea for me.  She was married to a guy who had health issues and was constantly out of work for surgeries.  Many times I paid their cell phone bills and gave them food because her salary wasn't enough to cover it all. At the beginning of last year, I caught my daughter's husband cheating on her and let her know.  Things at her house escalated and she was afraid to stay.  So I handed her money for deposits and attorney, found her an apartment in a safe neighborhood, arranged for the moving truck and help, and we packed her up and moved her out while he was at work.  We became closer after that and I was the greatest mom ever!  Then I started house hunting and really wanted to move to Va.  She starts telling me that I cannot live alone, that I need to buy a house in NC and have my youngest son live with me for a couple of years until she is ready to buy a house.  Then we would sell my residence and put my money towards a house in HER name and I could live with her forever.  I got very depressed, doubting that I could handle living alone, wondering if I was better off dead so I wouldn't be a burden on any of my children.  I eventually realized it was the thought of staying in NC that was bringing me down and that my dream was Va.  So I started looking in Va and found a great house for the price of what a MH cost in NC.  I put an offer in and went on vacation with my daughter for my birthday (I paid for it).  Things seemed to be fine.

The day I settled on my house, was the first day she verbally attacked me over something that had happened 11 years ago.  I brushed it off.  The attacks started coming more frequently through FB messages.  The night before I had to testify at a VOP hearing for the drunk who hit me, she started non-stop attacks and I told her that I couldn't deal with her attacks and I would respond after I dealt with other things.  Once the VOP got settled, I responded and asked her why she was attacking me all of a sudden about crap that was 11 years ago.  She goes on this rant about how I was an abusive mother, and how her younger brother "remembers" how I took my daughter's car away in college (because of her behavior) and generally twisting things around.  While I was trying to reason with her, she drops the next bomb.  We had a shared family cell phone plan and we both were account owners.  No warning, I start getting messages that my phone is no longer associated with the account.  She removed me as an account manager, and sends me a message that she's taking over the account, I can pay her and if my payment is one day late, she will shut off my cell phone (which is also my business phone).  I moved my and my youngest son's phone to a new account that night.  She blows up my FB messenger with a bunch of accusations and lies.  I responded by email several days later and addressed everyone of her statements and told her that she could only contact me via email.  This was in September.

Then starts the smear campaign.  She goes to my estranged husband's house to bash me to him and my youngest son.  (I actually get along great with my separated husband now) They tell her that if she has a problem, she needs to talk to me.   She now has my other son believing all these lies and he won't speak to me at all.  She has her group of flying monkeys that she's convinced that she's this poor pathetic girl who had this horrendously abusive mother.  The final straw was when she posted in a professional female support group - where people know me through my business and know that she is my daughter - how I am narcissistic and my husband and youngest son are afraid of me and how she's the only one to stand up to me.  Since I had her blocked, I did not see the post, several friends let me know it was there.  I privately reached out to the group owner who removed the post.  My daughter has held herself out to be an employee of a government agency in this group and posted events that she is leading.  During this, I reached out for a sit down with her because my estranged husband and son are tired of being caught in the middle.  She responded that only if I come to her therapist's office. I stated that I wasn't comfortable with that with covid and would do telemed, but I would want a copy of the email I sent that she forwarded to her therapist, because I was fairly sure that she edited it before sharing it.  Then she responded that she is ending contact until I get mental help.

No contact at this point is a no brainer.  I have been watching a lot of videos and I know that i will never have a relationship with her and the son that she has converted to "her side".  I know I have to do this for my own mental health and I am grieving over losing my children out of my life.  I also know how screwed up she had me mentally for a while, to the point I considered suicide more than once.  Since I have moved, I am calmer than I have been in years, I am actually happy and doing well in my new house.   I have written my letter to her, it's short and to the point.  I told her that she is to never contact me again, and if she continues to slander me, I will have a restraining order served on her and notify her employer.  I have not sent the letter, I prefer to wait a few days until I am calm before sending heated emails.

Sorry for the novel, but that is a condensed version of what I have gone through just in the last several months.

My biggest question is whether or not I let her employer know that she has done this as their agent and probably on the clock?  Part of me just wants to walk away, the other part feels like someone needs to smack her for publicly posting an attack on me that was seen by my peers and customers, because that really crossed a line.

[notrightinthehead]

Welcome! Gosh, how painful your story is,  you really have been through the wringer. Seems to me that you have been to a massive explosion of narcissistic rage from your daughter when she realized you would not do her bidding. Here you have found a good place, full of information and support. Have you checked out the toolbox? Start there, get reading, start implementing.

You are NC for the moment,  that helps a lot to clear your mind from the FOG and start healing.  On your journey of healing you will do a lot of work on yourself,  on your traits that were enabling persons with PD to take advantage of you.  We are all on different parts of this journey.

Like you, I also take my time to cool down before I respond to an attack,  I try to be calm and make double certain that I am clear, short, and polite. The worse the relationship the more polite I am.  And I ignore emotional attacks, I find the to and fro of accusations have not helped me clarify things.  When I am accused of having done something wrong 11 years ago,  I normally apologize with "I am sorry you felt that way." "I am sorry that seems to have hurt you." a medium chill response,  acknowledging that the other felt hurt, not defending myself, not explaining, not trying to soothe, just acknowledging their feeling and letting them sit with it.  After all, she might have felt hurt in the situation 11 years ago.  And maybe you did something, who knows?  That does not mean you have to do her bidding now.
I think you are handling this painful situation admirably and I am looking forward to your future posts. 

[Daniella]

I have apologized to her for things I did in the past.  I wasn't a perfect mother, made mistakes, but I own them.  However, that seemed to open the door to her demeaning me even more.  However, the incident 11 years ago was when she was in college and was using my vehicle in my name on my insurance.  She was acting strangely to the point that my husband and I thought she was using drugs and decided that we could not take the risk of her having an accident with our vehicle.  So we took it away for several months.  Her version is that she was just a college student who was working and I repeatedly took away her vehicle for no reason. 

Her other sob story is how I have never done anything for her and her brothers without strings attached.  She's been asked several times to give examples, and she changes the topic.

She has told me details (way too many details!) about her sex life.  Then attacked me saying that her sex life is private and any comments by me is crossing her boundaries.  I pointed out that she's the one giving me details that I don't want to know about, she's the one with the lack of boundaries.

Until I figured out she's narcissistic, I have been feeling like I'm going insane trying to follow rules that change minute to minute.  This is the 4th time she's gone on a tirade like this, several years apart, but getting worse each time.  She has never taken any ownership of anything she did wrong. 

I installed a doorbell cam, a carport cam, and floodlight cams in the front and back of my new house.  My neighborhood is very safe, in fact, I left the keys in my side door and the door partially open overnight once.  I realized that I installed all these cameras so that I would have advance warning if she showed up at my new house, so I didn't have to answer the door.  With everything going on in this country, my biggest fear is her showing up at my house.   That was an eye-opening realization.

I know that I have a lot of work to do, but just knowing that it wasn't me has done wonders for my mental health.  I have been watching a lot of videos on what to expect when she realizes I have gone NC, and I am going to start looking through the resources on here.  The simple knowledge that I am not the only parent going through this has helped.  I do feel safe in my new house, and for the most part, I'm happier than I have been in years. 

[notrightinthehead]

A friend of mine told me once, jokingly, that her son was in a different childhood than her.  They remembered events so differently.  The car incident seems to be important for your daughter and she still carries a grudge.  It is possible to accept her point of view without making concessions now.

To life in fear of your daughter is not a good way to live and I am happy for you that you are taking measures to feel safe in your home. 

[blacksheep7]

I have apologized to her for things I did in the past.  I wasn't a perfect mother, made mistakes, but I own them.  However, that seemed to open the door to her demeaning me even more.  However, the incident 11 years ago was when she was in college and was using my vehicle in my name on my insurance.

Welcome Daniella 

I'm sorry you are going through this as I understand your pain, a real heartbreaker.

From one mother of a narc daughter to another I can relate that  she is still Angry with you to say the least about something that happend 11 yrs ago.   
This is exactly the same problem that I have with dd (39) the divorce from her narcissistic father (still has great influence on her) the loss of a family.  She is passive agressive and emotionally absent towards me.

Your choice of going nc means that you have attained your limits and more often that none we are the better judges to take that decision.  No one else has lived in your shoes.   A public/overt smear campaign is cruel. My dd is more covert.

I just want to offer you my support on this painful journey.     Take care of yourself.
You need some sort of Break in contact for sure.

I am lc with mine, she makes sure to show to others that she is a good daughter by keeping me posted, sending pictures and having Facetime with my gsons.   I stopped reaching out to her by emails, texts & phonecalls which were just to say indirectly hi, thinking of you.   I let go knowing I did what I could to repair it,  had finally forgiven myself after holding so much guilt .   I still brought them up with a moral compass.

Our conversations were only about her and/or her boys. I was absent/invisible on Fbook compared to her father that she adores. I hardly ever go on there anymore and thinking of «unfollowing her» .

She has yet to tell me the reason  but I figured it out .

At the age of six  she was separated from her brother.  They would see each other every other weekend.  Today they are tight like glue, stick up for each other but it became a problem when at times  they would gang up on me if I was disagreeing or making a comment.  My problem to fix.

I also apologized about my mistakes & behaviors, my lack of emotional intelligence when I was a very young mother as my parents.   I had a one on one talk to her about my mistakes and reactions or lack of.
I asked her saying that I would stay opened mind to her response...Why this hostility? I never got an answer even though I knew the odds of it.   It will be a year in March.

Well, last week she called me.  I had only texted happy new year with the emojii. She texted back «you too» which I didn't say thank you  like I always would, on everything in the past.

Her call  was all about me this time.  She asked me what I was doing and kept asking a couple of questions about it.  I nearly fell off my chair!!!  All this while thinking «something is wrong here» don't get too excited because in the past it was always two steps forward (her being all nice) then five backwards. 

I still don't know what to make of it but it was a positive way to start the year and I still continue my lc.

[Starboard Song]

My biggest question is whether or not I let her employer know that she has done this as their agent and probably on the clock?  Part of me just wants to walk away, the other part feels like someone needs to smack her for publicly posting an attack on me that was seen by my peers and customers, because that really crossed a line.

It did cross a line, and you have every right to clear your name. But I'd encourage you to avoid any step that is primarily about getting even or being vindictive. You will not in fact get even. You'll not achieve peace through retribution. You'll only have gotten dirty.

Be good. Be strong.

[Daniella]

I have done a lot of reading in the toolbox,  I really want to send my email that she is to never contact me again, but I am also afraid to stir up another round of attacks on me. 

I have a good friend who has been through the narcissistic thing with partners and she's known my daughter since she was 15, and we have done a lot of talking.  I think it's better I not respond, and let daughter think that she "won" by banishing me.  This gives me peace now to heal and become stronger, because she'll be back in a few months ready to "forgive" me.   And  by then, I will be a much stronger person to deal with the next round of attacks, when she realizes that she is out of my life.  I am pretty sure that she will be showing up at my house then, as that is her pattern.  I have completely blocked her phone number, as well as my one son (her number one flying monkey who now hates me). 

I am having lunch with my other son tomorrow to explain my decision to him and ask that he continues to stay out of it. 

As for reporting it to her job - "If this was not your daughter, would you put up with this behavior?"  If she was not my daughter, I would have already reported it to her job.  I have hesitated on doing so, because she is my daughter, and I still have that protective mom thing going.  So I don't know what to do there.  People are watching her posts in groups, so I will know if she pulls a similar stunt, (I have her blocked again) and if she does, then I will call her job.  I am a firm believer and taught my kids that there are consequences to their actions.  This decision sucks, and I should not even have to be in the position of making it.  Right now, I just don't know what to do about it. 

I appreciate the support and feedback.  I really appreciate all the soul baring in this group.  Just knowing that I'm not alone in this craziness.  And resources to help me get stronger and to heal. 

[Daniella]

I had a really nice lunch with my youngest son today (not the son who's the flying monkey).  I told him that I believed that his sister is displaying narissistic behavior and that I needed to end all contact with her.  I could not deal with her abuse any longer.   His opinion was that either we need to sit down or talk it out or we need to walk away.   He said that he does not agree with her constantly bashing me to people (including him) when I cannot defend myself, and that her posting public bashings of me was very wrong.  He agreed not to give her any information about me and if she asks about me, to give generic answers (she's fine, I haven't talked to her lately, etc).  I do know that when she's shown up at my separated husband's house and starts her bashing, my youngest gets up and goes to his room and shuts the door. 

We discussed the issue of going to her employer.  He said that on one hand, what she did was wrong and her employer should be made aware of it.  OTOH, if she got fired, then she will be coming after me with a vengeance worse than what she has now.  So after much discussion, we came to the conclusion that I am going to let it go for now, but if she does another public posting bashing me, then I take both incidents to her employer.   

With that resolved in my head, I can focus on healing the damage now.  So many emotions swirling around.  Looking at things in the past and having them make sense, realizing how much she used me for things, feeling stupid for not realizing what was going on for years, hurt that things I did out of love are being twisted around, and the realization that my plans and dreams for the future which included her are never to be.  Adjusting to a new reality.   Grieving the loss of two of my children.  At least I know I have several months of peace, healing, and getting my head straightened out before she decides I'm worthy of her being back in my life and shows up. 

[BigBird]

I'm sorry anyone has to go through what you and many of us have experienced.
What's wonderful is that you know that being away from the abuse makes a big enough difference that it's worth it.  You are happy again.
It's tough as a parent to realize it's better to go no-contact or reduce the contact time to a bare minimum in order to have a normal life again.
I wish there were a magic solution to know how to deal with making this change with a child can be easier.

thanks for sharing.

[Daniella]

An update

After having months to heal and experience peace, I run into my daughter at my ex's house.  So I was polite and we talked.  She says she wants to talk things out, so I agreed to unblock her on texting.  So far we've mostly exchanged cat pics and general conversation.  I sent an email asking how we could talk things out.  In person is difficult as we are an hour apart and I have a limit to my driving distance.  In email is difficult because the inability to read the person's manner when saying something.  I did request that no discussion will happen in text messages, I want those to stay lighthearted.

I've already noticed some things.  In texts, if I ask about her, she chats.  If I mention something I did, then silence.  So it's still all about her and worshipping her and the silent treatment if it's not about her.

When I asked about a few things she had said to others (when we were in person talking), she denied saying them or said that wasn't exactly what she said.  I already know from numerous other people what she said, plus I was sent screenshots.  So the gaslighting and lying is still there.  She also threw my ex under the bus, saying that he was twisting things around.  (Yet she was there to make a big todo out of father's day, while I was not even acknowledged on mother's day)

And she's no longer in therapy.  I am guessing that the therapist said things she didn't like.  She's also going to move to Oregon with a guy that she's known a few months.  (same pattern, new guy)

So I doubt that we will work things out, but I am ok with limited contact.  At least it may cut down on the public attacks and dragging my youngest child into my daughter's war and need to have everyone on her side.  Honestly, I am mainly having the limited contact for the well being of my youngest child, because he refuses to take sides (which I'm fine with), but he's being constantly harassed by my daughter and my other son. 

In a weird way, it's going to be interesting, almost a study in narcissism behavior.  It is very intriguing  to observe when you have a better understanding of the game playing that's going on.  I spent so many years confused because the rules changed moment to moment and I didn't understand why I was so stressed out.  I feel more able to deal with the BS now, and I am able to take my time in responding (or not respond at all) to anything she says.

The best part is no longer feeling helpless.

[Starboard Song]

I am proud of you. You sound very self aware. Be very careful for yourself as you move forward.

Good luck navigating to an OK place that is safe for you. And good strength to make any hard decisions you have to make.