My time is worth nothing to her

[Sneezy]

Ugh, just when I think she is getting better.  Mom is older and so in a typical year she would have her taxes prepared and filed for free by the AARP (Aid Association for Retired People).  In 2020, the AARP suspended this service due to Covid.  Hopefully, they will start up again in 2021.

So last year, against my better judgement, I did mom's taxes for her.  And I made a mistake and she overpaid, but luckily the IRS caught it and refunded her overpayment.  Today, more than three months before taxes are due, I told her that I will not do her taxes this year.  If the AARP doesn't do them for free, I will make copies of everything for her and take her to a tax prep service, but I am not doing them.  I know I don't have to JADE, but I did give her all my reasons, starting with the fact that I made a mistake which caused her to overpay last year.  Also, I hate doing taxes.  I don't even do my own, and I hate getting all my info together for the tax prep guy.  I am a numbers/spreadsheet kind of person, but taxes give me a stomachache.

Well, mom is pissed.  She said she doesn't want to pay to have her taxes done.  Excuse me!!!  What about my time?  Is that worth nothing?  And, as I have mentioned in other posts, she gifted us and my other siblings with a monetary gift for Christmas this year.  Implicit in her tone is the idea that she gave me money, so why won't I do her taxes for free?  This just reinforces the idea that gifts always come with strings attached.

Then of course the lies started.  "Your sister does her own taxes, so why can't you do mine?"  Actually, sister is a big fan of H&R Block.  "Your brother uses an online program, why don't you do that for me?"  My response to that is that I will gladly send all the info to brother so he can do Mom's taxes online.  But oh no, "I don't want to mail important documents."  So I replied that I would scan in all the docs and email them to brother, and that's when she stopped conversing and just responded in mono-syllables and so I ended the call.

I really, really thought things were getting better.  She has been acting pretty normal for the past couple months.  I was proud of my boundaries and medium chill and I thought we were in a good place.  And then, BOOM!  I am reminded, once again, that my time and my feelings mean nothing to her.  And she will lie to me and manipulate and then treat me like crap to get what she wants.  Why can't she just accept that I, an adult, am making a decision that I do not want to be responsible for another adult's tax return, and then be grateful that I am more than happy to make copies, drive her to H&R Block, and then take her to lunch afterwards? 

[Andeza]

Because that's how normal people act, and they will never be normal... Not really. But they can fake it for a while to try to get what they want.

As she gets older, this kind of behavior is likely to be on the rise. If your desire is to maintain contact, which it sounds that way, then you have to be aware that pretty much everything is a manipulation move. Pretty much every move she makes has some far flung goal in mind.

I really, really hope you'll stick to your decision and not do her taxes for her. She's a big girl. She can do it herself.

[Sneezy]

If your desire is to maintain contact, which it sounds that way

Yes, I do want to maintain contact.  The issue is that Mom and I have a fundamental disagreement about what that means.  I encouraged her to move near me a little over two years ago, because she was alone in a city with no relatives nearby (and many of her friends were getting older and needing care and/or dying).  I would like to see mom once a week, preferably for something fun like lunch or a movie or shopping (when it's safe again, of course).  And I am also near her in case of an emergency.  The problem is that 1. mom would like me to be her taxi driver, care giver, CPA, tour director, secretary, and entertainment whenever she is the slightest bit bored, and 2. mom thinks everything is an emergency.

We have had discussion after discussion about this and I realize that we are never going to agree.  She will always demand more and in her eyes I will always fall short.  The problem is when she lies to me or is nasty to me or when she tries to manipulate me.  That's the part that no amount of logic can overcome.  It hurts and it will always hurt. 

DH asked me why I am always on eggshells around mom, even when she is being nice.  This is why.  Because she can turn on me at any moment.  One of my earliest memories is crying alone in my room, just sobbing, because mom had been so nice to me and then suddenly turned and gotten cold and mean.  I remember as a little kid thinking "I want the other mom, where did she go?" 

[Andeza]

I'm sorry you're in this position, Sneezy. None of us asked for pd parents. Of course it hurts, and of course logic can't fix it.

We all can only do the best we can to protect ourselves from the damage, whatever that looks like in each, individual case.

[Sneezy]

I realize that I'm doing a lot of ranting lately.  Maybe some of this is coming to the surface and I'm finally putting some pieces together?

In any case, it occurred to me that I have been doing my own taxes (or paying someone to do them for me) since I had my first part-time job as a teen.  I would bike down to the post office to pick up the paper form I needed back then.  I never asked my parents to do my taxes for me.  So what makes my mom think that I should do her taxes for her?  As I've said, I'm more than happy to make copies, scan documents, and take her to a tax preparer.  I'm just not willing to be responsible for the actual preparation and filing of her tax return.  Why is it that what I am willing to do is never enough?

I've also noticed that it's just me that she expects things of.  When I suggested we scan all her docs in and send them to my brother, who does his own taxes and is pretty good at it, she immediately shut down that idea.  Because she doesn't want to bother him.  Why is it ok to demand more and more from me, while being so deferential to my siblings?

And I hate to sound petty, but there were times in my life when I needed help from her, and she couldn't be bothered.  When I was a kid, it was my grandmother who took me back to school shopping.  It was my dad and grandparents who showed up to most school events.  As a young mom, I really could have used help when my toddler needed surgery, but mom couldn't take time off of work to come help me and her husband told me to stop bothering them about it. 

For someone so self-absorbed, she certainly expects a lot from me.  I'm not saying life should be a quid pro quo.  But sometimes you do end up reaping what you sow.  I don't owe her anything and I'm tired of being treated like she is the queen and I am some hanger-on, just waiting to do her bidding.  Enough is enough.

As I said, I'm ranting.  Thank you for providing a safe space to rant    And now, I'm going to step back from seeing mom and ranting about mom for a few days.  Peace all!

[Jolie40]

email your brother & sister (same email) and ask if one of them can step up to do the taxes

let it up to them to decide who will help
no need to say you're not up to doing it or that you were asked

just ask & hopefully one of them will step up

[Sneezy]

email your brother & sister (same email) and ask if one of them can step up to do the taxes

I actually did this, and they both said mom should stop being so darn cheap and just go to H&R Block   

My siblings are actually pretty supportive - it's Mom who refuses to burden any of them with the slightest request, but thinks I am just sitting here waiting for her to need something.  Not too long ago I was driving Mom home and she was being short with me and complaining about everything, and then one of my siblings called and the change was dramatic.  All of a sudden Mom's voice got sickeningly sweet and everything was "just wonderful!"  She saves her worst moods for me and she takes out her worst feelings on me.  I suppose it's because she feels she needs me the most, or maybe she is most afraid of me deserting her.  I don't know, I'm sure there's some reason for it.  But it's time for it to stop.

My sibs agree that it's not my job to take care of Mom and do her bidding.  Now if Mom would just agree to this 

[Andeza]

Hmm, Sneezy it sounds like you are the archetype scapegoat/dutiful child. I got the role by default: only child.

But they let the worst of their moods smack down the scapegoat. It's always our fault after all. /sarcasm

My uBPDm was no help either. Her idea of helping was sitting around being catered to so I declined more than once and for more than one occasion. Catering to her on her visits looked a lot like what your mom wants from you all the time. Drive here, there, and everywhere, entertain, spend hours upon hours together with her venting about ALL the crap, etc. I needed a vacation after my vacation... I'm sure you know the feeling.

[Iguanagos]

Maybe just stop bringing up taxes at all?  You've already told her that you will not do her taxes.  She's throwing a tantrum as a result to get you back in your role as her unpaid and unappreciated tax preparer.  So just go silent on the issue.  Really.  This is her problem to solve, not yours.  Let her figure it out.  If you say nothing, don't bring it up, don't suggest alternatives, like copying her records and sending them to your brother, she will probably start getting worried that you've escaped her clutches and she will bring it up herself.  At which point you can just say, "I've already told you that I will not be able to do them. I'm sure you will be able to figure it out."  Period.  I suggest not explaining one bit further.  The rest is just JADEing, which your mother knows how to exploit.  The only thing she needs to hear from you is what you have already told her.  "No."  As the saying goes, "No" is a complete sentence.  I would also suggest trying to distance yourself from her for a while so you don't have to hear her tantrum.  She WILL solve this, most likely by April 15, NMs always seem to find a solution when they need to.  Good luck.

[Sneezy]

She WILL solve this, most likely by April 15, NMs always seem to find a solution when they need to.  Good luck.

Very true - and if she doesn't solve it herself, what's the worst that can happen?  She will file late and possibly owe a small penalty (or get less of a refund).  It will be a good lesson for her to learn.  Well, ok, she won't really learn anything, it will be all my fault    But you know what I mean.

So we will see how this goes.  But for now, I'm not even going to mention taxes around her.

[lkdrymom]

Have you ever outright asked why she doesn't want to bother others but thinks nothing about imposing on you?  My father did this to me all the time.  Expected me to leave work to take him to every doctor under the sun. When I told him I couldn't take off TWICE in one day to take him to the same doctor and that maybe he could ask a friend for a ride he was shocked. He didn't want to impose on them!  Another time he ended up in a hospital 2 hours away.  He called me and expected me to leave work and go get him and stupidly I did. Later I found out his friends offered to go get him but he told them "his daughter would do it".  They really have no respect for your time at all.  After that incident, I implemented the rule that if his friends take him someplace they have to bring him back.

[Sneezy]

Have you ever outright asked why she doesn't want to bother others but thinks nothing about imposing on you? 

Interesting question.  I may ask her some day, but I think I know the answer(s) she will give.  DH and I have discussed this before - we are both the oldest sibling in our respective families, and we get asked to do the most for our parents.  Always have it seems.  I don't know if it's a birth-order thing or just some old-school thinking, but it seems as the oldest, we have always been tasked with being the responsible ones.  And I understand this is a role that we have willingly taken on and even take some pride in.  We have totally bought into the idea that we are the capable, responsible children, and our younger sibs are somewhat irresponsible or self-centered or just not as good at handling things.  For example, when my stepmother passed, it was DH and I who flew cross-country to paint her house and get it on the market.  My sibs were very appreciative and they never once questioned any decision I made, but they also didn't hop on a plane and meet me with paintbrushes in hand.

To some extent, I have brought this on myself.  I'm not saying that out of self-pity or to make myself feel bad.  But I'm good at handling stuff.  I take a breath, make a list, evaluate the various possibilities, and then come up with an implementation plan.  It's how I roll, and so I suppose it's a complement in some weird way that mom thinks she can depend on me.  But it's also infuriating when she demands that I do things for her that she is perfectly capable of doing herself.  It's her sense of entitlement that really hurts.  It's like I owe her my time.  It's not something I freely choose to give, but something she expects.  And when I don't want to do something, like her taxes, she can get very manipulative and mean about it.

[daughter]

I'd use last year's error on return as this year's reason for her to rely on another preparer. Hold firm, repeat, repeat, repeat. Eventually due-date anxiety will prevail, and somehow she'll get them done without drafting you to do it again.

It's a Nmom-defining trait, this overt obliviousness to true value of their adult-children's work-effort towards fulfilling their nmoms' whims, demands, and expectations. Our time has no perceived value, much less "cash-value" if we monetized our personal time consumed by these tasks.  It requires our resolve to draw the boundaries, to identify what we are willing, and not willing, to "honey do" for nmom.

Years ago, before NC decision, my nmom insisted I should happily leave my workplace midday to drive 1 hour to their house, to drive them half-hour+ to airport, then drive another hour back to work again - 3+ hours!  So, I was to arrange excused time from work, for a high-pressure professional job where this isn't normally done unless emergency, pay two $25 downtown parking garage fees, and likely get raised eyebrows from coworkers that I'd indulge nmom this way. This was about control, and likely bragging rights ("look what our daughter does for us!") My parents are wealthy, so not a cost issue. Not a mobility issue, and door-to-door taxi service could easily be procured, but nmom"didn't want to".  This was all about her saving $20 by running me thru ringer.

I nicely said "sorry, but no", and not only had her rage, but was reminded for years of my failure to do so. Can't please a nmom. Even fulfilling the unreasonable doesn't ramp down the expectations and demands.  Only response is "sorry, but I can't; it's just not feasible", then duck.

[lkdrymom]

My father would demand I would leave work to yet again re=program his remote.  Yes, I left him detailed instructions on how to do it.....but it was EASIER if I just did it according to him.  When I refused he would begrudgingly say he could wait until I got off work. But I couldn't do that because I had to immediately go and pick my kids from aftercare...there was no extra time for errands. So he told me I should just get 'someone else' to pick them up so I could tend to his needs.  Like who? My staff? Who was I supposed to get to handle my responsibilities while I tending to things he couldn't be bothered doing for himself.

[p123]

I think its standard behaviour....

I had a call from the hospital once - can you pick Dad up. He'd had another one of his fake 999 calls and of course wanted to go home now. At the time I was working 50 miles away, his hospital was a further 30 miles away. It would have taken me 90 mins to get back to my car on the train and another 30 mins to get to him.

Im self employed too and was on client site. Yeh in a real emergency they'd have been fine. BUT if I'd bailed then quite rightly they wouldnt have paid for that half day (few £100).

So I say to Dad OK I'll get you a taxi sorted. It would have cost no more than £10. No he wanted me to pick him up. Nope not happening. So he sat on a plastic chair for 4 hours waiting for the free patient transport rather than pay (or rather let me pay) £10 for a taxi.....

Then blamed me because he was ill the next few days from sitting there....

[Sneezy]

p123 - I am self-employed, also, and I work from home.  So I get what you're saying.  Our time is free, right?   

In fairness to my mom, one of the reasons I encouraged her to move near me, versus any of my other siblings, is that I am self-employed and work from home.  So I am more available to help her, especially in an emergency.  I can rearrange my day much easier than a lot of other people can.  As I'm sure you know, though, the work has to get done regardless.  Mom had an emergency back in the fall (I had to call 911, we thought it was a heart attack).  After spending an entire day at the emergency room with her, she couldn't understand why I didn't also come over the next day and spend the day with her.  Ummmmm, because I had to do all the work that I didn't get done while sitting at the ER.  She just doesn't get that I actually do have real work to do and that my time is worth something. 

I also think my mom has a need to suffer and be miserable.  Just like your dad sat there for four hours in a plastic chair.  My mom needs to be neglected and be made to suffer (in her eyes), because that is what she does better than anyone else (no one suffers like her!).  Once she got angry with me because I wouldn't take her to the mall and trail behind her all day as she meandered around.  I showed her how to use uber and it would have cost her less than $20 (round trip with tip) to go to the mall.  She was indignant - she wasn't going to spend $20 to go to the mall when I could (should) take her for free.  I asked her "you mean you'd rather sit alone all day, bored and crying, than spend $20 to go out and enjoy yourself?"  Her answer "Yes, I guess I would."   

[lkdrymom]

Should have pointed out that the trip to the mall wasn't 'free' for you.  You were providing the transportation.

I had a very strict schedule with my father on when I would visit and take care of things.  As soon as I deviated from that schedule he would assume this was the new norm.  So if I visited twice in one week due to some issue that needed to be dealt with, I will be doing that from now on. Right?

[p123]

p123 - I am self-employed, also, and I work from home.  So I get what you're saying.  Our time is free, right?   

In fairness to my mom, one of the reasons I encouraged her to move near me, versus any of my other siblings, is that I am self-employed and work from home.  So I am more available to help her, especially in an emergency.  I can rearrange my day much easier than a lot of other people can.  As I'm sure you know, though, the work has to get done regardless.  Mom had an emergency back in the fall (I had to call 911, we thought it was a heart attack).  After spending an entire day at the emergency room with her, she couldn't understand why I didn't also come over the next day and spend the day with her.  Ummmmm, because I had to do all the work that I didn't get done while sitting at the ER.  She just doesn't get that I actually do have real work to do and that my time is worth something. 

I also think my mom has a need to suffer and be miserable.  Just like your dad sat there for four hours in a plastic chair.  My mom needs to be neglected and be made to suffer (in her eyes), because that is what she does better than anyone else (no one suffers like her!).  Once she got angry with me because I wouldn't take her to the mall and trail behind her all day as she meandered around.  I showed her how to use uber and it would have cost her less than $20 (round trip with tip) to go to the mall.  She was indignant - she wasn't going to spend $20 to go to the mall when I could (should) take her for free.  I asked her "you mean you'd rather sit alone all day, bored and crying, than spend $20 to go out and enjoy yourself?"  Her answer "Yes, I guess I would."   

Sneezy - you're braver than me encouraging her to move closer to you......

Dad just does not get it. He comes from a blue collar background working in a factory. I'm an office based IT consultant. Thats bad enough - he think anyone whos in an office must be a manager (Im not) and its not "real" work that a working man. And working from home makes it worse - he can't understand how you can do it. Who makes sure you're working? All adds up to - well you're not really working hard so you can run around for me.

I've also worked out that a lot of it is the "TEST". He doesn't want the easiest way - he wants the way where I can prove my loyalty the most. In fact, the more hassle for me the better in his eyes. Hes more interested in scoring points like your mum than actually doing something.

He'd never dream of pulling any of this work related stuff with my brother - whos a welder. Hes got a real job.

He knows I do very well as well - its annoying. There are constant comments about being in a "nice warm office". I remember once, being stuck on client site for 36 hours solid. I remember Dad saying "what? you agreed to do that? I wouldnt have". Ah my point exactly and point proven......

[p123]

Should have pointed out that the trip to the mall wasn't 'free' for you.  You were providing the transportation.

I had a very strict schedule with my father on when I would visit and take care of things.  As soon as I deviated from that schedule he would assume this was the new norm.  So if I visited twice in one week due to some issue that needed to be dealt with, I will be doing that from now on. Right?

Yep. Visit twice in a fortnight and its the new norm...... I used to do ad hoc visits if I was in the area. No more.... Because of this. He doesn't realise he gets less visits now.

I have the 15 mile exclusion zone now with Dad. Never admit being within 15 miles of his house or its expected you'll visit. A few years ago, I visited an elderly friend who lived near Dad who was dying of cancer. I didn't have much time, with wife working to work, me having to get home to look after daughter. Dad was mega put out because "I didnt have the time to think of him".... Bad attitude....

[Dandelion]

Yes It's about control, being the queen/king with adult children as servile dependants or "bragging rights".  Sometimes all three!  My very well-off mother made my 18 year old son buy a new TV for her so she could tell people her GS "had bought a TV for her",
she actually told him this, how ridiculous and selfish is that?.   (He was a bit annoyed though.  I told him NEVER to give her a penny after that, and he agreed). 

I think the only solution to this behaviour is either 1. No contact or 2. Boundaries like walls of steel, no exaggeration, and remembering the best answer to virtually any request is "No" or "Sorry, no".  Or say why don't you ask (put in name) or tell them maybe they should get a carer (and let them find one themselves, they will manage it just fine and any help you give will either be "wrong" or used to "up" the servitude).  Remember these are tough cookies who don't care about your feelings when it comes down to it. 

I must say I see all this much more clearly now I have been NC for six months.

PS if the taxes don't get done they don't get done, she'll get a fine, whatever, or have to claim age or mental incompetence, whatever, the fact is it's still not your problem unless you want it or accept it to be.  Any help you give - I believe - is throwing pearls before swine.