Hair and control issues

[11JB68]

Updh and I have been watching the sopranos lately.
There was an episode this week in which Carmela had her hair cut short. Tony walks in and in an annoyed tone asks what did you to your hair?? I cut it she says. He angrily says I thought we agreed you'd take to me before you change your hair! She asks well how do you like it? He softens and says it makes you look younger, and kisses her.
Wow.
I mean I had this same situation with Updh, who is not a sociopath mob boss.... Yet it went much worse for me.
I wonder if he even made the connection while watching this.

[1footouttadefog]

So many pd people consoder their partners as an extentiin of themselves and the role they play , false self they present to the world, therefore the partners appearance is part of who they are, and they want to control it.

[ShyTurtle]

My updex used to be so judgey and controlling about my appearance. He definitely saw me as an extension of himself. Everyone close to him was an extension of himself including his kid - who last I checked was developing a weight problem...mortifying for updex. He constantly spouts judgement and shame. That kid is so mentally messed up already.

[foggydude]

Oh wow. I can so relate to these types of control issues. Additionally, a friend if mine who is on my "board" who tells it like it is to me, her father played a major role in the Sopranos. While ive never seem the show, someone on another thread mentioned the relevance of PD's there.
Its kinda like a push pull? Letting you know you should het their approval in the future for any decisions as such?

[losingmyself]

11JB, I'm going to guess that he saw no correlation between you and this show.
I got my hair cut last week, and if someone comments on it, the first thing that comes out of H's mouth is "I wanted her to cut it shorter"
Alone, I get "You know how I feel about your hair" Then on to the old reliable "But, you never do anything I want."
When I had it really short, it was because it was how I wanted it, and now that it's a bit longer, it's how I want it. How he wants my hair to be cut is of no consequence to me.
I'm hoping he'll eventually give up what he thinks is control over my haircut choices. I hope this for you, too

[GettingOOTF]

I too doubt he made the connection. My ex never made any connections outside what was going on in his own mind. I don't think he was capable. I feel that if he was he'd have been a lot les controlling.

After my divorce I was seeing someone. We ha d a lot in common and I really liked him. He checked a lot of boxes. One day he told me not to cut my hair any shorter than I already had. I broke it off immediately. He later apologized and said it was a big mistake, but he'd already shown he felt entitled to make and enforce decisions about my body. I knew my hairstyle was only one area he'd try to control if we continued to see each other.

[11JB68]

And tonight, another episode, Tony makes a derisive comment about a guy that Came is attracted to, like he must be gay. Can says, everyone's always gay with you! This is also Updh.... Anything he doesn't like is "gay"...

[SparkStillLit]

My updh must be talking to yours. He has lately begun making incredibly bigoted (is that the right word?) offensive comments about EVERYTHING. Gay, race, gender, EVERYTHING. It's downright weird. He's trying to prod kid into it. I'm just as heartily sending the opposite message and privately speaking to kid that this is NOT HOW WE BEHAVE and that's NEVER OK and NOT A "JOKE".
This is actually new. Where in HELL are we going with this! WHY!

[11JB68]

Spark, my uocpdh is generally liberal regarding social stuff. But this 'gay' thing has been a thing for a long time. Since so much of his stuff is some type of projection I have to wonder if it's really about his own lack of security in his own sense of himself. My short hair made me look like a lesbian, boys shouldn't have long hair, my sandals looked Butch, but son's sandals looked gay... He raged about ds outfit once that it 'looked gay'.... Because the shirt had two front pockets.... 
It's more arbitrary rules.
But I don't think he realizes how stupid he sounds...

[SparkStillLit]

It's all weirdness, isn't it. Games that you will never win.