Wavering and Feeling Grief

[Hepatica]

It's a bad day that's all.

But I am sitting here feeling the FOG bad and going over some of the weird things that happened with my dad and sister that led me here. (Just some of them mind you, the two that have been going thru my mind a lot today...)

My sister, always so very covert. She became very close with my aunt for instance who she had never been close with growing up. I had always been very close with this particular aunt growing up, spending nearly a month every summer at her home because I was close in age to her children, but when this aunt became an evangelical christian fifteen years ago, she suddenly became very close to my sister because they now shared the same kind of religion. When this happened I was left out by both of them. When this (very wealthy) aunt would come to our city for visits after she became evangelical, she bought my sister large items, like coffee tables and leather sectional couches, and they would go out to dinners and I'd find out later that my aunt had been in our city the entire weekend and no one called me, or if my sister did call, it was as they were driving to the restaurant they were headed to, and I'd have to be there in 5 minutes, which could not happen as I had a young child at the time. I was left out of many many family get togethers because of this, including Christmas celebrations (not on the day but that week between Christmas and New Years) and felt like I had lost both my aunt and my sister, until I finally realized, they were behaving like a mean girls club. I wasn't in their club because I didn't share the exact same kind of Christian belief.

New thoughts about my father. Three times, when one of our elderly family members got diagnosed with a critical illness that was leading to death (terminal cancer) suddenly my father was their new best friend, visiting them all the time.  I thought for a long time, isn't that thougtful of my father to be there for the sick relative, but my father came away in these instances, twice with nearly brand new cars, and with one uncle, a very large sum of money. It seems so very creepy and calculated.

I've also been struggling today about my mother. She is quite overt. Very loud. Very insensitive and very, very insecure. Very cruel at times, but not as much to me. She seems to hate my father (still married to him) and acted like she hated my sister when she raised her. But with me, we hardly ever fought. I was a chill kid, never argumentative, very quiet and sensitive, easy to raise. She did some very kind things for me, like giving me english riding lessons and she took me to every class and watched. This was a mother who never took part in our lives generally, so this strikes me as her trying and it made me sad today thinking of it.  But she was so horrible to my father and sister it was incredibly painful for me to witness. I have trauma just from seeing how horrible she was to them!

[Boat Babe]

Hang on Hepatica. This shit comes in waves and usually when we don't expect it. And it always hurts.

And we have Covid, making everything so much harder.

So here's a MAHOOSIVE HUG from me and the dog. 💖💖💖

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Hepatica, I think it is alright to just acknowledge and sit with those feelings.   
     
You mention what your mother did for you as a child and that it strikes you as her trying which of course would make you sad. I think it would be easier in some ways if our parents were consistently mistreating us in some way or otherwise behaving badly. Our choices would be so clear. I can see the same with my parents, and my heart breaks for so many reasons. Then I also reflect that when things got bad they got worse than they ever should have.
 
I just wanted to you aren't alone. This is not easy. Be good to you. 
     

[Hepatica]

Thanks Boat Babe, yep, the waves... ugh. Also, apparently today is called Blue Monday - and those of us in the northern hemisphere can get extra depressed. I think that might have hit me yesterday. Thanks for the mahoosive hug. I'm so grateful to just vent these things out and have people who get it.

Blueberry Pancakes. YES, YES, YES to your point about much of those feelings coming from that memory of my mother. That's it exactly. She had me when she was older and I do think she tried to be a better parent. Also, I feel resentful about being NC because I think I'd be in more limited contact with my mother but I have to get thru my father to see her. And I can't stand his hoarding and guilt trips. My mother never uses guilt trips and she's tidy. If I would visit her, she'd be pleased with 1/2 an hour, or even if I just dropped her off some food. She is not needy. But it is the dynamics of her rage toward my father (probably due to he hoarding) and then my father guilting me for not being a "better daughter) that makes me feel weakened and broken in the past. My father has pushed me away and I'd actually enjoy visiting my mother every now and then. Honestly, I think they should have divorced years ago. The hatred between them is palpable. That's one of the biggest sorrows for me.

[Boat Babe]

That sounds so damned toxic.

[Hilltop]

Emotions come and go.  They are what they are.  It seems like I am doing fine and then wham, suddenly I'm not.  Hope you are feeling better Hepatica.