I think I just fast-tracked nc

[ShyTurtle]

I was minimal contact with my upd adoptive mother until last night when I suddenly got a message from her: "Did you call me a personality disordered parent on facebook?" At first glance and without my glasses on, I thought it was my brother messaging me at first and I replied: "no"

I thought I blocked her....? Was it one of the relatives who tipped her off? I didn't think her computer skills were good enough to see where I may have commented on a post.

Hastily, I blocked all of them.

My days of talking about my abuse on a public forum are over. I feel bad that she had to see that, but really, I know she's been in denial every time I've confronted her about the abuse anyway.

I guess I'm moving on from here.

[ShyTurtle]

Reflecting on this more.

I use online forums as a part of my healing. I commented somewhere on Facebook. Somehow, my upd mother found out. I didn't want to cause her pain.

There are others in my position...groups on Facebook dedicated to people who were adopted by pd people. Apparently narcissistic injury is very common among adoptive mothers...particularly back when I was adopted. The first time I watched a rerun of "Mommie Dearest" on tv as an adolescent, my ongoing pain felt validated.

And I've confronted her before about the abuse. She denies all of it of course.

But I didn't want to cause her pain.

I think recently while I've been stuck in relationships/living situations with other pd people, it has been very triggering for me. I've needed to reach out to those strangers with common experiences online even more. It's a matter of keeping myself from disappearing into the fog again.

She has had very little connection to me in my adult life anyway. She never ever calls. She is so wrapped up in her own little world I guess. When I spend time with her, she tells me about all the problems she has with her "friends" and her house fills up with her hoarded crap and toxic levels of dust.

It's probably best at this point that I just walk away.

[Andeza]

It may not be ideal, but it happened, and now you've locked down your account and blocked the source of your pain and abuse.

Pain that I am personally very familiar with... Hi, I'm adopted too. My M is uBPDm, but the BPD was actually listed as a suspicion by a mental health professional on her discharge paperwork after a, uh, mandatory stay in a facility that I really wish she'd stayed in longer. Ah well.

Mine too was incapable of an adult relationship, and spends her days utterly consumed with her own, myriad, "woe is me!"s. She could spit out a litany of every person who ever wronged her and why if you asked, could go on for three to five hours about various medical issues she supposedly has despite none of them ever being helped sufficiently by medications, and would talk until your ears fell off about her and her troubles/challenges/injustices etc.

I know or can guess the reasons she is BPD, but she has never made any effort to improve her mental health and eventually, I couldn't handle it anymore. We've been NC for about a year. Such a wonderful, quiet year it's been too.

I'm not on social media as I don't want to be stalked by her... or my biological mother. That's a whole other can of crazy...

It's noble that you didn't want to cause your mother pain, but in my experience even if we do absolutely nothing that could be construed as damaging, they will still manage to construe something! So, don't blame yourself, or be hard on yourself about it. Sometimes things happen, it's not ideal, but it happens. No matter how you decide to move forward at this point we're here to help. My first piece of advice: Take good care of yourself and be kind to yourself in the coming week. Take time to relax and clear your mind as much as possible. Time to stop and smell the roses, so to speak. Whatever brings you comfort, carve out a portion of the day to do that thing. And please, keep posting as you journey. 

[ShyTurtle]

Hi, I'm adopted too.

Thank you so much for reaching out and commenting!! Your words are so validating!

At first when I was trying to sort out what happened to me, npd seemed to make sense, but as I've uncovered more, it's bpd that seems to explain her constant rage and eating disorders. When she was bulimic and then suicidal and spent a night in the hospital, I have no idea if there was any outcome from that. There was never any formal diagnosis that I knew of.

The "other can of crazy" part about your birth mother is why I'm not so excited to try to find mine. I've got enough crazy in my life to risk finding more.

Thanks for the advice to take care of myself! Right now I'm living with a dbpd housemate and I'm doing the grey rock with her to get through the next 2 weeks until I get the keys to my new place. I have to say that being here with her felt like deja vu - the exact same as being with my own constantly angry, judgemental, dismissive adoptive mother. It's been really triggering for me and I can't wait to get out!

[Andeza]

Eh, well the narrative the world preaches at us is that "We were soooo lucky to be adopted into loving families instead of x alternative."

The world never stops to consider that even disordered individuals can make it through the screening process and still get a child. It never stops to think that we might be suffering and struggling as much if not more than x alternative. Blegh.

Sometimes it's nice to know someone gets it. If you haven't checked out "Understanding the Borderline Mother" there were audio versions available on YT last I checked, and you might find it enlightening. In the meantime, I hope you get out safely and are able to carry on with your life. Sometimes it feels like we jump out of the frying pan and into the fire... Been there, done that, nobody got me a t-shirt, haha!

[Fiasco]

I'm adopted by a BPD woman too. Lucky us. Any comment you make on any post that's marked "public" on Facebook shows up in your friends timelines. This is how I know my sister in law follows and comments on a lot of weather related pages lol. If it's not a private group then all your friends are seeing your activity. Something to keep in mind.

[Boat Babe]

I'm not adopted but don't know my birth father. I've been asked by friends if I have ever tried to find him and have always said, and meant, no. No because one deranged father (my step dad) was enough. Because the guy who fathered me didn't stick around for my mother which dropped her into the arms of my stepfather so I already don't like him.  because I fear any half siblings I have might be scary people and I don't want that in my life.and lastly, and most importantly because I have become the person I am despite abandonment and other adverse childhood experiences.  Typing this, I'm angry.

[JustKat]

ShyTurtle, please don't be too hard on yourself for having caused your mother any pain. Just speaking for myself, I know that anything my own Nmother may have heard didn't cause her pain, but caused her embarrassment. Embarrassment at being outed. PD parents spend their lives intentionally inflicting emotional pain on their children. They know what they've done. You were only sharing your truth.

If you want to avoid this in the future, make sure to mark your Facebook posts as "friends only." I sometimes talk about my mother's NPD, but always make sure the thread isn't marked public before doing so. I also make it a habit to never ever accept a friend request from someone I don't know or who can't be vouched for. On Facebook, even private groups can be infiltrated by PD parents and flying monkeys who are using troll accounts, so forums like this one (with anonymous names) are always safer.

Please be kind to yourself. We've been raised to put our mothers' needs ahead of our own, so it's pretty normal to feel guilty, even though you've done nothing to feel guilty about. As for going NC, you'll know when it's time. When the time came for me, there was no doubt. Your instincts will tell you when you're ready.

Hang in there.

[JustKat]

I just wanted to add that I'm shocked by the number of people here who were adopted. It's frightening how many PD parents have been able to foster or adopt with ease.

When I was a teenager my Nmother took in a foster child, and that poor kid was badly mistreated by her. When she couldn't mold him into the child she wanted she sent him back. I guess he was lucky that he only had to endure it for a year, but I often wonder where he is today and if he suffers any long term effects.

I remember when Child Protective Services came to inspect our house prior to approving my Nmothr as a foster parent. She presented herself as a perfect mother with a perfect family. It was sickening. This was the 1970s, and NPD had not yet been identified as a disorder, so maybe things are different today. But as convincing as these people can be, I don't know... maybe not.

[Liketheducks]

ShyTurtle....hang in there.    The fact that you don't want to hurt her is a sure sign that you're handling this and getting the help you need to do so.   Whatever tools you need to do that, you have every right to engage.   This is a consequence of her abuse.   You're doing great in stopping that cycle.    Bottom line, you'll never have any control over how she interprets or feels about you.   But, you can fix and create safety for yourself.