The crippling doubt after no contact.

[Rainbowrama]

Hi everyone,

Today I did one of the hardest things I've ever had to do in my life. I told my mother I would go no contact. I said she has always been abusive and I had enough. My shrink believes she has Narcissistic Personality Disorder and has worked with me for years on that subject.

The worst part is the invalidation. I sometimes wonder if it is all in my head, though my shrink says it's a symptom of abuse and gaslight. My brother was near when it happened and they both said I am paranoid, that I am overreacting and exaggerating. It's awful. I mostly had abusive relationships (again, I am trusting my shrink to validate that), I've progressively cut them out but my mom was the worst. The thing is, I am alone now. The whole family is against me. This crippling feeling of invalidation and opposition is so overwhelming. Please guys, anyone has good insight? Thanks.

[JustKat]

Hi Rainbowrama, and welcome to the forum. You've come to the right place.

I believe you. It's not in your head. Yes, you were the victim of gaslighting. Unfortunately, going NC usually means the loss of our other family members. There will be a smear campaign and they'll fall for it. I'm also completely alone now, but this board is right here when that loneliness becomes overwhelming.

It sounds like you have a really knowledgeable psychiatrist, which is great. Keep talking to them and keep posting here. I can tell you that the people here have made a world of difference to me and have helped me through some really tough times.

My own healing began when someone in an online forum validated my experiences. I hope I can help with that validation. It's not you, it's your mother, and you are not alone.

Sending healing hugs.

[nanotech]

You are on the right path. Trust yourself.
Pay no heed to them. They are trying to blame and shame you back into their dysfunctional system.
But you've liberated yourself -whoop whoop!

Liberation is always a bit lonely at first. Despite the damage they have done to us, we feel guilty, we miss them. We even miss the pain to begin with. ( trauma bonding is a b****).
See the accusations for what they are- PD. Tantrums and drama.
As soon as you so much as sniff any drama from them ignore it then head straight in the opposite direction. They live for it because they need it to nurture their false self images. It masks their own real natures and then they don't have to look at how they truly are. Self denial and all that.
One person leaving cracks their illusion. So they up their game  to try to pull you back under with them.
Guilt, worry and shame  fade away in time. You'll then experience growing feelings of:
Independence
Self assurance
Self autonomy
Self care
Self love
Perfect peace!
I could go on!
Basically it became great fun just to be me. It's still incredible.

Just be you.
Xx

[Rainbowrama]

Hi Rainbowrama, and welcome to the forum. You've come to the right place.

I believe you. It's not in your head. Yes, you were the victim of gaslighting. Unfortunately, going NC usually means the loss of our other family members. There will be a smear campaign and they'll fall for it. I'm also completely alone now, but this board is right here when that loneliness becomes overwhelming.

It sounds like you have a really knowledgeable psychiatrist, which is great. Keep talking to them and keep posting here. I can tell you that the people here have made a world of difference to me and have helped me through some really tough times.

My own healing began when someone in an online forum validated my experiences. I hope I can help with that validation. It's not you, it's your mother, and you are not alone.

Sending healing hugs.

Hi JustKaty,

Thanks for the warm welcome and all the encouraging. Validation is so crucial thank you a lot!

[Rainbowrama]

You are on the right path. Trust yourself.
Pay no heed to them. They are trying to blame and shame you back into their dysfunctional system.
But you've liberated yourself -whoop whoop!

Liberation is always a bit lonely at first. Despite the damage they have done to us, we feel guilty, we miss them. We even miss the pain to begin with. ( trauma bonding is a b****).
See the accusations for what they are- PD. Tantrums and drama.
As soon as you so much as sniff any drama from them ignore it then head straight in the opposite direction. They live for it because they need it to nurture their false self images. It masks their own real natures and then they don't have to look at how they truly are. Self denial and all that.
One person leaving cracks their illusion. So they up their game  to try to pull you back under with them.
Guilt, worry and shame  fade away in time. You'll then experience growing feelings of:
Independence
Self assurance
Self autonomy
Self care
Self love
Perfect peace!
I could go on!
Basically it became great fun just to be me. It's still incredible.

Just be you.
Xx

Thank you Nanotech. I am free now, as you said.

[lightworld]

Welcome Rainbowrama. I get what you are going through and yes it is painful that you have suffered but you are the one now being blamed for the failed relationship with your M and for doing what is right for you. I'm still feeling this after 9 months NC with F and he's just started a campaign to get me back.

It will be good to give yourself time. The more time goes by with no engagement the easier it becomes but there is no doubt it takes great courage.

As has often been said on this forum, narcissists seem to act from the same playbook, the invalidation,  gaslighting, denying any wrongdoing, blaming - it seems they all behave in a similar way when we break free.

It's good to hear from others like Nanotech, who confirm that NC can be so freeing. None of us have made this decision lightly, including you I'm sure. Trust yourself and put yourself first for a whi!e. I am healing along with you as are many others. Stay strong. 

[Rainbowrama]

Thanks for the encouragement. It seems we're going through the same things. 9 months is a lot and keep strong! I have absolutely NO intention in ever getting back there. Wishing you well on your recovery, I am sure we will be fine now.

[zak]

It's very early days for you after going NC so it will be hard; that is really to be expected. I'm sure you have not done this without trying everything you could think of to make it work, and probably after having endured many many years or even decades of abuse. Often abuse that is so normalised that you don't see it as such until you start to develop some perspective through counselling or therapy. When the time comes that you realise that you could sacrifice every minute of every day of every year for the rest of your life to your uNPDM and it would never be enough you start to seriously think of going NC. It's a question of your own survival.
I often say NC is not a silver bullet. There is a cost to going NC. For me, even after 6 years it's a gap where family used to be, even as dysfunctional and toxic as it was. It's not that you miss the individuals, rather, you miss the idea of being part of a family.
On the plus side, NC buys you a whole lot of calm and space to heal and discover who you are away from all of the noise and chaos and abuse. My advice is to focus on self-care and connection to healthy others. Be kind to yourself in this most vulnerable time. You are among friends here and we've walked this path too.

[Rainbowrama]

Thank you Whole Hearted. You've been down this path so I trust your words. Like you said, now it's a bit too early but it will get better with time. Glad to hear you've managed to jump out of this sinking boat of hell too!