A Short, "Harmless" Text, So Why Am I Triggered?

[D.]

I am in the process of figuring out what level of contact I want with eM (PD characteristics, covert PD?).  I recently received a text from her that caused anxiety.  It confused me and I would appreciate any insights from this group.  Someone here suggested trying to figure out the triggering characteristic and that is where I am feeling a bit stuck.  Not sure what?  She just texted "same here" in response to me stating I had had a long day and needed to postpone our phone call to the following week (I had also warned her that might occur).  I also wished her well and expressed love.  Was I triggered by her mirroring, objectification?  Lack of empathy about my day?  Her wanting me to be interested in her day?  Passive-aggressive somehow?  I talk w/my T also, but won't see her until next week. 

In the fall she and I had a very messy situation happen where I canceled a visit.  She went dramatic. 

About that time I decided to not have in-person contact since that includes uPDf.  M cannot understand that decision, she ignores.  And I am done initiating communication w/uPDf.  He won't initiate so that simplifies things.

I wanted to try phone calls w/M.  We had two phone calls that went well I think.  She talked about herself for about 30 minutes, then I talked about my work and got some supportive listening/insights.

M is elderly, alone and a victim of abuse although she would deny that is the case.  So I feel ok w/trying to be in contact on some level.  I am also aware it may not be possible to do so and still stay healthy myself. 

This last time she texted me after I had to cancel our phone call and I felt the familiar debilitating anxiety.  I was able to work and get through the day, but I don't want to do that to myself anymore.  Why would a simple "same here" text push me towards that emotion?

I thinking maybe I need to reduce contact by phone once or twice every 3 months which just makes me sad. 

[Thru the Rain]

It's OK to feel how you feel. Just sit with it for a while. I sometimes find that it's in the quiet times that my mind supplies the answers I'm looking for.

And I can see why her response was irritating at least.

Based on how you describe your text to her, I would guess she was saying that she's OK with postponing a planned call. But having said that, I understand all to well the unspoken subtext to any communication with someone with a PD.

Does she often text more than this sort of response? I know my own elderly parents aren't really "into" texting and any text from them is as sort as possible. Like maybe they're saving words for a telegram?   

[nanotech]

You seem to be blaming yourself for feeling triggered. 
It triggers you because such a short abrupt answer gives a sense of ambivalence( 'same here' is only half a sentence?) and even indifference to your message. So there's a coolness and a distancing and a disregard in there.
But it's disguised as - 'it's fine' so you can't really complain.
Yet it's hurtful.

She didn't say,
' Oh don't worry! To be honest, I've had a busy day too! We can speak next week that's fine! Make sure you have a good rest, and I will too!'

That would have been a functional, healthy response.

I've often been the 'victim' of this. I put the word victim in italics, because I no longer let it bother me. Well, not for long anyway. Example;
When I texted my younger enabling sis, telling her that my youngest child was engaged to be married, I received back,

'Good luck' .

That was it! No congrats, no questions, no delighted whoops!
On the  face of it, it's an OK response. Just. I kept telling myself it was fine. But the uneasy feeling grew until I couldn't ignore it.
And we all know that NPD parents teach us to always read between the lines for the insult. The inference was, they are gonna need luck. It was a mean -spirited comment. It was also a distancing comment- as if she'd never met them.
It's all hurtful.

The 'same here' is also a massive dig at you. It's saying that she has been busy too, but SHE wasn't going to cancel! But YOU have!  It's a statement apportioning blame.
GUILTED and  SHAMED!   It leaves you emotionally injured and possibly in need now, of a discussion to clarify. But now you can't ring her! 
So now she has had her way and then some. She's possessed your head anyway, that evening. And probably for the rest of the week.
So yes, feel triggered, but then don't let it engulf you.
I used to text back,  trying to get a decent response, but now I just accept they are limited. They are mean.
I just ignore it. I no longer have contact by text/ messenger with my siblings.
Luckily, Unpddad doesn't text ( he's pushing 90).

I think the only solution is to ignore it and get on with your life.
Make your own choice about the frequency of contact. Above all, consider your own mental health in this.
If you do reduce calls,  you don't have to explain why, not to anyone. It just 'works best ' for you to ring every three months, and don't respond to further questions on it.
I used to think I had to explain every single decision I ever made in exquisite detail- it just gives them ammunition. There is absolutely no need to JADE. ( justify, argue, defend, explain).
Not  carrying out JADE can feel very odd at first but it's truly liberating, because  I found I stopped needing my dad's/siblings' approval. Prior to that change in my own behaviour,  I hadn't realised how much I orchestrated my actions in order to pacify and please them.

[Hilltop]

Sometimes it's not that easy to tell why we are triggered.  However it's important to understand WHEN you are triggered so that you can sit with those emotions.  I find it's when I am triggered that I need to stop self criticising and use self compassion.  If you can see why you are triggered then that's great however if you can't that's ok too.  Just don't beat yourself up about it, use self compassion.

My mother would also use those short phrases and I would also get triggered by them and you know what I still don't fully understand why.  Sometimes it takes time and that's ok.   I'm working on it too.

Her text of "same here".  I see that as dismissive, she didn't ask about your long day and is only thinking about her long day.  There may be a little bit of guilt thrown in that she's having a rough day and now you don't have time to speak to her and the shortness of the text sort of conveys that disappointment from her.  Are you feeling guilt or do you underneath feel like you are doing something bad by not calling her?

The last time you cancelled a visit she was very dramatic and now she has sent a very short stern text.  She doesn't need to be dramatic again, the very tone of the text may have taken you back to this angry scene.  The very tone of the text is short, abrupt.  A person that is really fine may have added in more to the sentence and finished with a "hope your feeling better soon, we'll talk later, take care of yourself".  See how that conveys such a different response to a very short "same here" and no more.

There is a meaning that has been ingrained in you.  You didn't plant it there and so much of the time these messages are just unconscious and we react to them.  By feeling that you are triggered is a great move forward.  If you can't work out the why don't worry, its ok, see it as your bodies way of telling you that you need self compassion.  Just sit with the emotions, just recognise what you are feeling, make sure you are not being a self critic, shut down any negative self talk and give yourself some much needed self compassion.

This time isn't for your mother, it's for your own healing.  I had a girl at work the other day not let me do some work I offered to help her with.  I was triggered and so angry.  After I realised I was triggered I realised my inner critic was telling myself the girl probably thought I was too stupid to do the work, she never said that but it's what I thought, so I spent some times shutting that down, I later ran the reports for myself to prove to myself I could do it and felt better.  It was a day later that I realised that my father had used that insult a lot growing up that I was stupid and I saw why I reacted to that girl so much, I saw why I couldn't just shrug it off as this girl being controlling and it really being her problem.  After that I was able to move on, I felt ok.  You know a while back I would have spent so much time thinking and stewing on this sort of incident and feeling so bad and angry and not have even realised I was triggered, so I've come a long way however my mothers short text messages are still unclear to me.  I still can't work out the underlining message in them.  It's just not as obvious to me.

So I figure, I will at least take care of myself first, shut down that critic and give myself some compassion and if the underlying trigger is obvious it will be there, if not then I figure I will work it out later, down the track and that's ok.  Sometimes it feels like we aren't doing anything but we are, it does help even if we don't have all the answers to start with.  Keep going, things do slowly seem to get clearer it just takes time.

[notrightinthehead]

D. I have found that the less I try to read the other person's mind the calmer I feel within myself.
Let's look at the facts: You had two telefone conversations that went ok. You cancelled one and the reply was short but not unfriendly.

That could mean that she was busy  or tired and did not think it necessary to use many words to agree to your proposal to postpone.

You feel uncomfortable with the short answer. These are your feelings. And I believe that you have many reasons to feel what you feel and to think what you think, but they are all in the past. You could allow your feelings to flow through you and take note - when I cancel on mum I feel emotional turmoil - interesting. I still seem to think that I need her permission to cancel. I don't need mum to allow me or excuse me to cancel. I have the right to cancel when I am tired and worn out.  Something like that.  Focus back on yourself. Allow your mum to deal with her own feelings.

[D.]

Thank you everyone for the great insights and support.  I knew bringing the personal challenge here would help me move forward.  And I hope that this sharing may help someone else too.  The reason that I am dissecting this incident so closely is that I am trying to figure out how much contact, if any, I want with her.

Here is my understanding given some time to read and reflect.  Following are a few options for the meaning of her text from "worst" to "best":
She was being passive-aggressive and it really means "not me, I had time"
( based on Fall drama experience when she told me that yes had actually meant no and her sarcasm didn't come through in the text...)  This was also guilting me that I messed up although of course I know that is not the case.
Mirroring - i had a long day, so she had a long day too (may or may not be true)
Selfish - still about her.
Simply agreement - she had a long day too, next week is ok.  Even if this is the case my trigger based on past experience is realistic given her past pattern of behavior. 

What the text was not:
Empathetic
Validating

What the text was:
Dissmissive (she normally writes more)

Current analysis:
I didn't call to cancel because it can be painful if she doesn't respect my boundary for peace and quiet.  Seems she can provide the same lack of respect in any communication form.  Or not?  It's part of the covertNPD reality, simply not accepting and getting angry about boundaries, then lashing out indirectly.  So sometimes I may not understand if something was appropriate or a passive-aggressive jibe.
It's ok for me to be confused for a while, sit with it, accept it, and let go of any negative residue, move on and enjoy my life!

Plan:
I also really liked the ideas here to own my own feelings, stay present in the moment, practice self compassion and utilize my triggers to teach me something.  I am not making a decision yet about contact other than to continue to keep my own health and wellness first, not M.  She is responsible for her health and wellness, not me.