Will he ever stop complaining?

[BettyGray]

My DH is a sincerely good man. He isn't PD, but has some awful fleas from his — what I would call "PD Adjacent" parents. Honestly they're good people too but so emotionally immature that it causes all sorts of problems for DH and his brother. DH became parentified as a result of their divorce, about 40 years ago.  He was around 13.

He became the "responsible one" , taking care of his dad, younger brother and to a lesser extent, his mother. That was pretty much the slamming door on his even considering he had needs, too. The message he got was "other people's needs matter more"Classic codependent.

He is very thoughtful and nurturing- the good side of codependent I guess. He genuinely enjoys doing kind things for people, but it's also a curse. He resents his obligations. But the cycle is so engrained that it's part of his identity. He knows this is a problem but can't seem to yank himself out of it. That would mean - gasp - having to address his own needs.

When we lived further away, and they were younger AND their spouses were still alive, it wasn't so bad. But then they started to have crises they weren't emotionally equipped to tackle. So...we moved closer. Cue : regression.

Over the past 18 years he has come a long way, with periods of regression. Now they're 80 and 77. And widowed. And lonely. And dad has cancer. And ...Pandemic. DH has carried the brunt of caretaking for his dad. It's all consuming. His needs? HA!

Once again, he neglects his needs. He barely attended to them before. Now, forget about it! This mentality means my needs are pretty much ignored too. I get it, caretaking makes people miserable. I empathize...up to a point.

When I do see him, All he does is  complain and complain and  complain. About his dad, about the line at the post office, about other drivers. about his mom, dad, brother. The constant negativity, inability to relax, talking AT me... I have gotten to the point where I hold the phone away from my ear while he vomits out the complaints du jour. Venting is fine ...up to a point.

When he is home, in a mood, I just go to another room or leave for a walk. I don't want to be around him. Even when we are sitting down watching Tv, he just oooxes pathetic misery. It's sooo toxic. I try to just ignore it, which is easier some times than others.

In reality all it does is drive me away. Maybe when they pass he will be liberated from all of their baggage. You know how they say " you become like the person you spend the most time with"?
Well, negative anxious mom and self-involved, anxious dad - you see where I am going with this.

Anyway, over the years, we have had so many conversations about their negative effects on him. He has been to therapy, we have been to therapy. He has put boundaries up, which they respect ( more dad than mom). That he has to remind them he has his own life and family that need attention really passes me off. MIL will respect it for awhile but inevitably mows down the boundary. It's a constant, exhausting push and pull. But still, he puts himself last. Now it's become so toxic that I am starting to not like him.

Oh,and forget pointing out the negativity. He either denies it or gets defensive. Then I am sorry I said anything. It's maddening.

I mostly feel sorry for him, that he I was raised this way. But I resent his letting the problem persist when he knows he needs to do serious work in this area. That he doesn't value himself makes me feel he doesn't value me either.

Every major problem we have had - directly correlates to his parents. While they have been good to us , very supportive, generous and kind, this cycle only HE can break is still perpetuating and he's making me miserable too. It's selfish.

Not really looking for advice, mostly venting.  I know how to separate myself from it, take care of myself, etc. But I still fear the fun, laid-back person I used to know has just been broken too many times. No fun anymore.

[notrightinthehead]

I can only begin to imagine how that must be. I don't know how you do it.  I have two relatives who spew criticism and complaints as soon as we are through the greetings.  And I am totally exhausted after a three hour visit. I would loose my will to live if I had to spend a week with them. My theory is that they actually suffer from depression and that is what makes them experience everything in a dark light. But they would never trust a therapist and therefore help will not be forthcoming.
It's admirable how you cope. Keep up the good self care! Sending you a hug.

[BettyGray]

Thanks, notrightinthehead. You're correct - it is exhausting. There are some nights when I feel the life being sucked out of the room. The thing is - he knows he is depressed. He's been to therapy. We have been to therapy together. My therapist seemed incredibly sad for him. It made me realize how many of his own needs and emotions he's stifled since he was a small child. Like, so much that when she asked him what his needs were, he gave her a blank stare, like he had never considered it. Couldn't think of any. In a way, his sense of identity has been wrapped up in pleasing his parents and maintaining the parental role with them. It's so screwed up.

He recognizes his problems, but doesn't make the effort needed to do the hard work of overcoming it. Confronting that kind of pain is still something he protects himself, even though his intellectual, rational mind knows meeting it head on is the only way to get through it to something better. I do not think it's Major Depressive Disorder (like I have). But I think his is more episodic and environmental. My life has been one long struggle to keep it under control, understand and examine it, and overcome its negative effects on me. I've fought tooth and nail to get better. He's been with me through most of it. Which makes it even harder to accept because it's like reliving it but not being able to overcome it.

Thanks for your words of encouragement and hugs. Sometimes I don't know how I cope, so your kind words reinforce that I'm doing ok. Some days, though, its really, really hard. And lonely.

[AlisonWonder]

Liz late reply but I am sorry you are going through this.  My DH does this too, sounds very similar, and I have learned to say "What are you going to do?" in a friendly way as early as possible, and stick to it.  Because all the complaining releases the "steam" that they need to have inside them to provide the push to address the problem.  Then they relax, but do nothing.  Rinse and repeat.

Later you can say "yes, you said you were going to...what came of that?".  Accountability.

I hope things improve for us all.

[xtra_crispy_recipe]

@Liz very late reply here, too, but I just wanted to say that I came here after several months away from this site to talk about this exact topic. My DH is depressed as well, and although he is no contact with some PD members of his family, every single thing in this world seems to annoy him. I'm so tired of the negativity that I just don't want to be around him. I want to shake him awake to show him all the wonderful things in our life but I'm just so tired.

Thinking of you, I don't know what to tell you except that you're not alone, and I hope it gets better for us both somehow!

[Lookin 2 B Free]

Re: tolerating codependent enablers who know they're enabling, know there's help for this behavior, but continue on anyway.   I know about this bc I did it for most of my life.  (Though I put the kabash on complaining about it bc I knew that drove others crazy.)

I've submerged myself in various therapies, individual and group, workshops, & 12 step programs for codep recovery, starting in the 80's!  It didn't start taking until 2 years ago, when I was willing to stop playing the accompanying role in the family PDs' life games.  Willing to let them turn their backs on me if that's what their response was to be.

Then came the surprises.  For me, may not apply to others, I started to realize that the codep enabling wasn't really for, or even about, them.  It was about me.  Codependency and enabling can be a very powerful way to avoid looking at our own core problems . . . the stuff I never ever wanted to see was a part of me.  Instead of continuing to see myself as a generous, tolerant & caring person, as I had for so long,  I got to see what they call the "shadow side" . . . anger,   judgement, impatience, etc.  No fun!  But I guess the only way out is through.

Good luck to everyone on both sides of the issue! 

[square]

Thank you for that perspective!