Picking a fight

[H3209]

Tonight was so full of mods swings. I tried and tried to be supportive when my SO was sharing how he felt tonight.  I even felt really proud of myself when some of the feelings he shared felt like an attack on me.  I listened and I even repeated back what he was saying to him and he confirmed I was understanding him.  However, after that he chose to pick a fight with his sister on text message, when she didn't take the bait and told him just because you are having a bad day don't take it out on me.  He spun out again.  I asked about the conversation he shared and I just nodded my head. Well, then he got mad thinking I was a devils advocate and taking sides I don't have his back. Grrrr... I'm not going to say she is right because that pisses him off but I'm also not going to say he is right either (because he is not).  Since he was a entire bottle of wine into it tonight, I knew he was just itching for a fight.  I told him, I'm not taking sides and I'm not going to argue with you tonight.  You are angry and you are looking for someone to fight with. Not going to happen. 
I was proud I drew that boundary. Inside right now though I feel terrible.  He make me feel so bad about myself and that I'm just a horrible partner to him.  I'm not. I'm the most understanding and acceptable partner there is and he has even said it to me. 
I said I love you.  He said it back and "lost his voice" he says that "only happens around me" and "wonders what that is about". He further said "I have a strong voice but with you I'm oppressed."   Ugh!  He can be such a sharp tongued mean person.  He is like his mother in these moments and he will admit it tomorrow ( or a few days from now when he will apologize). A part of me doesn't want to accept the apology. I just want to say Thank You and that's it.  Not "it's okay" or "I forgive you" or "everyone has bad days". I feel like saying any of those things is giving permission to him to do it again.  I've said this before in my head, but if he hates me so much and I oppress him so much then why doesn't he just leave???  I swear I'd be fine. 

[Lauren17]

H3209, god for you and drawing a boundary and holding it!
I know all too well, the such feeling in my gut and the mental swirl that goes on after. Here's a trick that I recently heard on a podcast. When that happens, say "This is not love. And I deserve love."
It seemed a little silly to me at first. But it works!