Desperately seeking answers

Started by Texas77, January 24, 2021, 12:27:58 PM

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Texas77

So I'll try to condense as much as possible. My boyfriend and I have been together almost three years. We are both in our 40s and when we met it was "love at first sight" type of thing. We both had older kids from past relationships and were NOT planning another but God had other plans. We were already making plans to move in together before I got pregnant. My first "red flag" was when someone he was close to as a child passed away. He shut down and wouldn't talk to me. I pushed through anyway and went to be with him so he wasn't alone. He told me later he was glad I did. Right before we were moving in together he sent me a random text saying he needed the weekend to think things over. That spiraled into "leave me alone" texts and crazy talk. He was drinking and texted me he was moving to Puerto Rico where he has family and starting over. He loved me but he needed to do this for him.  I was DUMBFOUNDED. And in shock. We took the weekend apart and he ended up texting me to come over. He told me he was just stressed from trying to find us a place, finances etc. He said he never planned on going away. Second red flag I chose to ignore. He is extremely charming, good looking, and made me feel so special. He would text me all the time about how much he loved me and couldn't wait to start out life together. Which we did and things seemed perfect. He is an alcoholic and drinks every night but he's high functioning and goes to work every day. Doesn't get hangovers and wasn't abusive. He did start to show a controlling side and he has a short fuse. If he got mad he would blow up and sometimes I would be the person he took it out on verbally. His mother abandoned him at 5 and he HATES her. His dad was never in his life. His mom has been married 7 times and I think probably has some kind of mental issues.
I knew he had trust issues Bc of his background but he always said I was helping him through it and how much he loved me and our life. Ffw we just moved to a new super nice house close to his job. I was so happy and he seemed to be as well. Not even a month later he became increasingly moody and would make very snide comments to me. Then one night he just snapped. Said he was done and that I didn't do anything. Didn't clean, didn't cook, didn't work etc. now mind you I clean EVERY day. I don't cook much be HE loves to cook and has always wanted to cook. I don't work Bc he didn't want me to so I could be home with our son. He said horrible ugly things to me and said he wasn't attracted to me anymore etc. He turned into. Jekyl and Hyde. My head was spinning. The next day he came home from work and gave me the silent treatment. Hasn't spoke to me in over two weeks. Plays with our child and acts like I'm not here. I've found notes he writes saying he's done but then he throws them away. He doesn't come home from work on sat and stays gone till Sunday. He bought a bright red shirt I found thrown in a box in the garage. He HATES the color red. Like hates it. He has literally seems to morph into a completely different person.
I know he's talking to other women and doing who knows what else. He texted me last night and said he is done and I need to figure out what I'm going to do. I seriously feel like he has some kind of major mental issues. The heavy drinking doesn't help of course. I called an abuse hotline and they basically said the same thing. That he has deep mental issues and an alcoholic and he is verbally and emotionally abusive.
I'm just in a really bad place since I have no job and no car and not really a good place to go. He's literally turned my world upside down and acts like he could care less. Sorry this is so long. It's not even half the story but trying to make it as short as possible. If you read it all thank you

notrightinthehead

Gosh, what a horrible situation to be in. You seem totally dependent on him and he is abusing you. You have found a good place here, I strongly advise reading the toolbox and starting to apply the strategies suitable for you.
You might want to work on an exit plan as well, even if all calms down and you won't use it, it might be a good thing to have. Do you have some social support? Family, friend, women's shelter? A place where you can feel safe and escape to, in case it is necessary.
I am sorry you had to find us and glad you did. Welcome!
I can't hate my way into loving myself.

Texas77

Thank you so much for responding!! And I do have supportive family and friends...just not really anyone who can help me beyond advice and a shoulder....
I am totally financially dependent on him. We also have one car which he takes to work and wherever else he goes leaving me trapped basically. My family and friends all live over an hr away.
I'm glad I found this place and I will definitely do some reading!!!

ShyTurtle

You could go to a women's shelter, but call ahead and make the arrangements first. I broke up with my updex twice. The first time, they didn't have room at the women's shelter for me.  I went back and the abuse got even worse. I now know that staying in abuse really takes its toll on your body. The stress will kill you. I was so chronically sick. The second time I left they had room at the shelter and my health and confidence really bounced back. Wishing you so much strength and courage right now. <3
🐝➕

2nice

Hope you are ok. Lots of familiar behaviours here. It can feel like you are trapped in the middle of it but there can be freedom ahead. It's a very hard road and sometimes not a quick one