Narcissist re-gifting and no appreciation

[I.Matter]

I've wrestled with this for a while.  I've even spoken to therapists about it but they never really addressed it with me.  I think that although the therapists stated that they were versed with narcissism,  I don't believe that they were.

I've been sending gifts to my niece since she was a baby and now she is 17 years old.  I've gotten sporadic gifts from her mother and usually when I've done something for her.   I've never gotten a "thank you" from my sister or  a "thank you" from my niece now that she is  older.   Half the time, i didn't know if the gift was received.  I always say 'thank you" and show my appreciation for any gift sent to me.   

My younger sister fostered a child and when the child was being given back to his mother, I sent him a Tickle Me Elmo at Christmas.   I also sent her son an age appropriate gift.  My sister called me to tell me that she was sending the Tickle Me Elmo back to me.   She said that the foster child had a lot of gifts already.   I don't have children, so what was i going to do with this doll but re-gift it for another child.     

My mother use to do this too.  Give back gifts- to hurt me?   and she never said "thank you" or express gratitude for  those that I sent to her.  All 3 are narcissistic.   

Do you have any experience with this type of behavior?    Thoughts on it?   

[DistanceNotDefense]

Hi l.Matter. Welcome to the forum. Gifting is a weird thing in my narcisstic FOO, too.

I long felt my covert N mother was just really hard to buy gifts for. She would seem mildly underwhelmed and cold when gifted to, even if it was expensive or very thoughtful.

I look back on this now and think it was meant to downplay my importance or impact on her life. Like "well, I guess you tried, that's sweet." Still to this day there are a few pricey gifts I gave her that I've never seen her use.

That's all fine, except a few times she would get gifts for my DH and they weren't "a hit" for him, or they were cheap/would break easily/were the wrong size (they didn't know him all that well nor did they really try to get to know him well to give him meaningful gifts). And she would seem really taken back in private with me, that he seemed underwhelmed. He could have acted more excited maybe, sure, but this was kind of hypocritical of her to take issue with that. One of the many little scraps her and other FOO collected to build a ridiculous case that DH is an awful person "taking me away from and destroying the family," I'm sure.

Covert NM was always a little "off" on my interests in gifting all my life, too, funnily enough. And would re-gift things to me sometimes, or it was clear she was just giving some cheap things away she didn't want. It only started to seem strange to me this year, when after NC suddenly she ramped up the gifts to being very high quality and expensive. It seemed very manipulative. And she would always say, "Oh don't worry about presents for me this year, or on my birthday." So why was she upset I couldn't host her birthday at my place, at the drop of the hat, with only a couple days notice, in the middle of the busiest time of year for my work during week days? I've taken her word for it in NC.

I once bought over $100+ each worth in gifts to my older brother and his nieces, and my older uNPD/uASPD sister, respectively - I'm almost certain this was more than what my sisters spent. Brother sent thank you notes to everyone in the family but me (I'm the scapegoat....). He never gives gifts to other family members. Older sister never thanked me but underhandedly made it clear that she expected even more gifts (and thus more money spent on her) the following year. Younger enabler/covert narc sis was always late or forgot presents. First year (this year) no contact, she sent me a bunch of gifts, all right on time, probably to guilt me back into contact.

Gifting is the narcissist's playground that's for sure.

[Jolie40]

people in general are bad about sending thank-you notes
I do expect a thank-you for wedding, graduation, and shower gifts

in the last few years, we have NOT received a  thank-you for a graduation gift, at least two wedding gifts, and a shower gift (from friends & one family member)

poor taste to not send a thank-you for big event gifts...what can we do?

[nanotech]

In my FOO;
Responses to my gift giving have been;

Muted or absent
Criticised
Given back
Or all three!

I often got....

'Thanks but......'

If I gave them at a party they wouldn't open them.

' I'll open it when I get home'. 

Then I'd get a 'Thanks sweetie' on message.

One year when we were a bit more flush for money, I'd bought my sister a lot of art resources ( she's arty) and gave her a really generous amount of money in her card.
I was excited about her reaction. Sigh....
I just saw her slightly panicky/ devaluing of the present at the meal ( she shoved it under the table pronto!) ........ much later, the two -word 'thank -you'  on message.
Never a thing about how she was gonna plan to use the resources etc. Responses are arid.

Yes I know. I realise now that as well as trying to be kind that I was also looking for their approval- and they were enjoying knocking me back.
Later  I would berate myself for expecting more of a fuss. I told myself that 'it's not not why we give presents' yaderyader and I shouldn't ask for more thanks. But I see now that I was kind of letting them disrespect me.
During this time ( being a bit more flush moneywise) I would usually pick up the bill at the family meals. I would pay for the whole thing, including for my dad, who has WAY  more in the bank than me. I would still get the underwhelmed sense of utter disdain for me.
As if I was expected to pay for everyone's meal anyway.
The non -opening.
The non reaction.
The criticism of the present either there and then, or later
on.
I was always trying too hard with presents and goodwill. 

The very last time I gave my UNPDsis a present, her only comment on it was a taunting;

' Hmm you told dad not to drive today in this (windy) weather,  but he had to drive to bring me that present from you.'
I told her she should have  gone and picked it up. I wasn't allowing button pressing any more.
Stunned silence.
She was so surprised that I didn't take on the guilt and shame on offer, as I had in the past, countless times.
In our family, blame is a big big thing.

No more presents for her. There was always a ludicrous criticism.

Other reactions to presents left unopened;
'Whoops I forgot to open your present at the meal!
-and don't worry because a
can just about wear them, at 95% cotton. '
The latter is the typical back- handed compliment - meaning ' You should know that I HAVE TO HAVE 100% cotton.
The item was just a jokey  addition for sister
( fun socks with her big 0
age on!), and the real present was a generous gift voucher for her fave shop. No mention of the voucher, just a dig about the fun socks not being appropriate.
I'd brought a cake too, which everyone praised on the night and wolfed down with alacrity, but which the narcs later called 'dry'.
After THAT cake, shock horror,  they were never going to eat 'Shop Bought' again.
As a result at my dad's next birthday, there was no cake. Once I realised that cake was political  in our FOO,  I took a step back from providing one.
I think the idea was to get me to bake one this time, then criticise the hell out of that too. No one else wanted to be the target either, so it resulted, on thd day, in us all looking stupid as we sang Happy Birthday' in the restaurant -with no cake/ candles approaching! It caused some puzzled looks and smirks from the people on the other tables. 
Oh well. Be careful what you ask for! 

Presents given back?
Yup. The cardigan I bought for my mum was 'far too expensive, and too small.'
I told her I could exchange for a size up. I got;
' You don't have to prove how much you love me by overspending.'
It wasn't so much what she said, it was the disappointment in her voice. They felt that I was trying to outdo UNPDGCBrother. That was a big no no!
I sat my ( seriously ill) UNBPD mum down,  and told her that I would replace the gift, but just this once, could I spend more on her?
She agreed eventually. It was all agreed that I would buy her a musical box, which was something she'd always wanted.
UNPD father was present at the conversation, said nothing, just went out and bought her the same! He later gaslighted me that I'd made no such agreement with mum!
She kept that present though. She knew what dad had done.
It's supposed to be an act of kindness. Presents and gifts in narcissistic/ dysfunctional families are a total minefield!

[I.Matter]

I looks like I'm not alone in this bad gift giving from narcs .  First I thought it was my imagination or maybe I was being "crazy" for thinking this way and I should be grateful for the thought with the inappropriate gifts that were sent to me (age- something a teen would use, not my taste, not my size etc.)   Now, I'm calling it for what is was/is...bad gift giving.    I don't think N siblings bothered to take the time to even get to know me....I'm just not that important to them.   I'm cooperating now and not giving anything.   Sometimes I feel like a fool for being so naive to think that I meant something to either of them.   I could have invested that money and gone on a wonderful vacation.   Lesson learned.

[WinterStar]

Something I have noticed is that my views on gift getting, giving and gratitude had been greatly influenced by narcissistic people.

I had exacting standards for myself and others on proper gift gratitude.
I hand wrote thank you notes 100% of the time for even the most tragically unthoughtful gifts. I spent a lot of energy finding perfect presents, which was largely an attempt at garnering approval and escaping criticism. And I was hypersensitive to the reactions my gifts received. I had a lot of gift fleas.

Now, I spend a reasonable amount of time picking out good enough gifts. I don't worry about whether they will be liked or whether I will be thanked. I'm most likely to spend more thought on gifts to people who will appreciate the extra effort instead of depleting myself for the unpleasable. And I'm generally grateful for all gifts and do good enough thank yous most of the time. Bad gifts get donated or pitched without guilt.

[nanotech]

Ditto for feeling a fool for buying gifts (for years) when they were never appreciated or reciprocated. I kept on doing it for so long. Not now.
It's telling that I've been criticised for not sending them cards recently. (This happened due to the pandemic when as a couple we had to shield). They have short memories I guess, of my long time one- sided present giving.

I imagine sometimes that I actually have a conversation with them, pointing out the unevenness and the one way street. Do they consciously realise or are they so entitled that they cannot reflect on such things?

Something else that happened some years ago, was the total lack of gifts for my two new grandkids. I had nothing, bar a pair of booties from younger sister.

The nothingness continued  until the children were rising two.

However some c*** went on. my UNPD sister gate -crashed my grandchild's first birthday party, declaring loudly that she had only come last minute so had brought ' absolutely nothing' in the way of a gift!  (Punishment for not being invited? Like the Bad Fairy in Sleeping Beauty?')

But then a year or so later, her son, my nephew, and his partner, declared they were expecting a baby.
That was when her  gift -giving for my grandchildren began. Her needs had changed.  She wanted me to start sending gifts for her son's  child when they arrived.
Another reason I think, was that the children were now getting old enough to give some feedback, to say their 'thank yous' -so this makes them an emerging supply source for PDs.
They are horrible.

Yes it's a hard lesson when you realise how much they expect, yet how little they care for us. And also  that their gift -giving when activated is predicated upon needs in themselves, such as getting something back for their children or proving something to people they wish to impress (sometimes a  Golden child or non family).
Ditto that I had  fleas, and was  hyper- vigilant over what to buy and how my gifts would be received.
Their reactions were always non existent, muted or critical.

I.Matter, I have no idea why she would return a present for a child with an excuse that they have 'enough' presents! Which child can have 'enough' presents? Presents delight them. 
Interesting though, that it was for the fostered child, not her own.

[Thru the Rain]

We used to receive the absolute worst gifts from FIL and his wife. We're now NC with them, but back when we still celebrated birthdays and Christmas with them, gift giving was a land mine.

When I was first dating my DH, we picked out Christmas presents for FIL and Step-MIL, and I offered to wrap the presents. DH was concerned that I do a good job on the wrapping since they would be critical. I scoffed! As dysfunctional as my FOO was, the *wrapping* was never any issue. My parents used to save up the Sunday comics all year, and used that for wrapping paper at Christmas. I couldn't imagine anyone would be so rude as to criticize *how* the gift was wrapped.

Anyway, I'm sure this will surprise no one here, FIL and Step-MIL mocked my wrapping skills. A LOT. I don't even remember what the gifts were, but I certainly remember their mean spiritedness and nasty comments word for word. They were ALL about appearances. And as I learned over many years, bullying a well-intentioned teenager was just the tip of the iceberg.

[DistanceNotDefense]

I imagine sometimes that I actually have a conversation with them, pointing out the unevenness and the one way street. Do they consciously realise or are they so entitled that they cannot reflect on such things?

This crosses my mind so often... some part of me always says "you know the answer...."

[nanotech]

I imagine sometimes that I actually have a conversation with them, pointing out the unevenness and the one way street. Do they consciously realise or are they so entitled that they cannot reflect on such things?

This crosses my mind so often... some part of me always says "you know the answer...."

Yes, unfortunately I think I know the answer too!    🥺

[DistanceNotDefense]

I imagine sometimes that I actually have a conversation with them, pointing out the unevenness and the one way street. Do they consciously realise or are they so entitled that they cannot reflect on such things?

This crosses my mind so often... some part of me always says "you know the answer...."

Yes, unfortunately I think I know the answer too!    🥺

I know, it sucks. Big hug nanotech if you want one

[Hepatica]

Gift giving! 

It seems so fraught with NPD landmines. It can be used to manipulate, to demean, to scapegoat, to wreak havoc and drama. All the good stuff.

I had to learn how to do it bc my mother was really weird about it. We were middle class financially and could afford gifts. But I recall my mother nearly having tantrums bc I was invited to a birthday party and she had to give me $$ to buy a gift. And she'd take no part in helping me. She'd send my father out to get something and he'd come back with the weirdest gifts. Once I went to a sleep over and he brought some clearance toy, marked down to $5, and it was in this huge box. I had to bring it bc my parents were yelling at me and otherwise I'd having nothing to bring. So there was embarrassment, yelling, shame, guilt and by the time I got to the birthday party I was nearly in tears and came close to crying when the girl had to open the present.

At Christmas my mother decided that her rich sister's kids got nice presents but her poor brother's kids got none. She showed nothing but contempt for those poor kids and it was so obvious she admired her rich sister and looked down on her brother.

Thru the Rain, that's so horrible about being mocked for your wrapping skills. I always wrap my Christmas presents in comic strips from the newspapers. haha! 

[nanotech]

I imagine sometimes that I actually have a conversation with them, pointing out the unevenness and the one way street. Do they consciously realise or are they so entitled that they cannot reflect on such things?

This crosses my mind so often... some part of me always says "you know the answer...."

Yes, unfortunately I think I know the answer too!    🥺

I know, it sucks. Big hug nanotech if you want one

Thanks Distance!  I would love for no one else to have to go through this, but it's a comfort  to know that it isn't just me. 

This forum is an absolute godsend. There is literally NO ONE  in my FOO or my healthier extended family who I can talk to about this. They'd call me crazy.

My FOC sympathise, but they don't quite get to what extent and with what relentless persistence, acts of kindness were/are weaponised by my FOO.
When I come on here, that's when I see that I'm NOT crazy!! Hugs back!xxxxx

[nanotech]

Gift giving! 

It seems so fraught with NPD landmines. It can be used to manipulate, to demean, to scapegoat, to wreak havoc and drama. All the good stuff.

I had to learn how to do it bc my mother was really weird about it. We were middle class financially and could afford gifts. But I recall my mother nearly having tantrums bc I was invited to a birthday party and she had to give me $$ to buy a gift. And she'd take no part in helping me. She'd send my father out to get something and he'd come back with the weirdest gifts. Once I went to a sleep over and he brought some clearance toy, marked down to $5, and it was in this huge box. I had to bring it bc my parents were yelling at me and otherwise I'd having nothing to bring. So there was embarrassment, yelling, shame, guilt and by the time I got to the birthday party I was nearly in tears and came close to crying when the girl had to open the present.

At Christmas my mother decided that her rich sister's kids got nice presents but her poor brother's kids got none. She showed nothing but contempt for those poor kids and it was so obvious she admired her rich sister and looked down on her brother.

Thru the Rain, that's so horrible about being mocked for your wrapping skills. I always wrap my Christmas presents in comic strips from the newspapers. haha! 

I understand about the total lack of awareness of how we might feel, giving a seemingly thoughtless and cut-price gift.   
Not present giving as such, a bit off topic,  but I remember how my mum resented buying ingredients food for me to use in cookery at school.
She went bananas at me when I told her we were cooking lamb chops. The lamb chop she gave me to take, was tiny.You needed a magnifying glass to find it on the plate.  The cookery teacher gasped, held it up and laughed. Everyone looked, and it was very  embarrassing.
She thought my learning to cook was a waste of time, not a life skill. Of course I developed zero confidence in it.
UNBPD Mum wanted to be the only family member who could cook - it was her power base. But that's another thread I think!

[nanotech]

Thru the rain, I've had my wrapping judged too! But it was the other way around.
My parents always thought I wasted money -on labels ( lol, they are needed)) 🏷 nice ribbon  and 'good quality' wrap -
( 'good quality', quoted with a deadly smile is code for - 'Nano! You are so wasteful!").
It was only ever just the normal stuff, but they always somehow felt upstaged.