I can’t believe it, I left! But I have regrets...

[victoriousladyJj]

I just left my suspected narc husband. I moved out while he was at work. I feel very strong and sure of myself right now although things definitely did not go as planned... I ran late picking up my rental truck due to my anxiety of just getting starting packing my belongings, pacing back and forth and trembling. I had a less than favorable experience with the movers who had too many inquiries as to "why" I was moving. My head was so frazzled that even after they left there were more items I had to pack and haul on my own to the storage unit.

I wasted time "cleaning up" as though that would make this discard more favorable for my husband  Everything went by so fast I was 2 hours past my target time to leave. I had planned to submit my efiling of divorce papers today but technical difficulties interfered with that.

I wanted to print a dear John letter I wrote but messed up the computer connections and ended up emailing it instead. I emailed it to him around 1pm as I was officially "done" as sort of a final push for myself to really LEAVE but now wish I would have waited fully until he was out of work. He started calling and emailing like crazy. I thought I had my locations turned off on my phone and even suspended my account but he was able to reactivate my phone and my location apparently came back on. I soon realized he was in fact, following me! Once I turned off all the locations and google maps on my phone he was no longer able to see me. thankfully he did go back home.

While this was not the organized and confident move I visualized for myself I at least got it done. Most importantly, I stood up for myself and what I believe in! If I can get out with all my chaos and disorganization, hopefully this will inspire someone out there that they can do the same  thank you all as well for the encouragement, your words are getting my through!

[Poison Ivy]

I believe it! Good for you.

[notrightinthehead]

Congratulations! In spite of some difficulties you were victorious!

[GettingOOTF]

Congratulations on this big step. It takes a lot of strength and courage for us to leave.

Cleaning up is exactly something I would have done.

I hope you have a safe place. Please be careful. The time after leaving a relationship is the most dangerous time for a woman and the story about the phone is very frightening.

Your move sounds very confident and organized. Moving is incredibly stressful under the best of circumstances.

[victoriousladyJj]

Congratulations on this big step. It takes a lot of strength and courage for us to leave.

Cleaning up is exactly something I would have done.

I hope you have a safe place. Please be careful. The time after leaving a relationship is the most dangerous time for a woman and the story about the phone is very frightening.

Your move sounds very confident and organized. Moving is incredibly stressful under the best of circumstances.

Yes, thankfully I'm moving in with family for awhile. I have a couple days to travel on the road. It was indeed frightening but kinda humorous too? Like did he think he was gonna drag me back ? Flag me down on the road , force me to "pull over". It's very much like him to be that irrational. luckily he was calling the wrong people...like my mom and told her he was following me so she also gave me the heads up that he could still see my location. Right now he's just been emailing me playing the victim with the sob story like he has NO idea why any of this is happening. I've gone no contact. On the flip side I just woke up from a nice peaceful sleep. One I needed. That is one of my reasons I left, peace of mind!

[CagedBirdSinging]

Well done!! We are on the same path! I left a few days ago. It's not easy and I totally get the chaos and confusion. You're right to go nc. I wish I could do that, but we have kids. Seeing him today as he has visitation, and I actually feel sick.

Can I ask a quick question- how was he able to see your location?! What do I need to disable on my phone to stop this?

I hope you're doing well. Stay strong!

[victoriousladyJj]

Well done!! We are on the same path! I left a few days ago. It's not easy and I totally get the chaos and confusion. You're right to go nc. I wish I could do that, but we have kids. Seeing him today as he has visitation, and I actually feel sick.

Can I ask a quick question- how was he able to see your location?! What do I need to disable on my phone to stop this?

I hope you're doing well. Stay strong!

On google maps we used to "share our location" . It's a feature that can be manually turned off and on. For some reason mine had popped back on until I turned my phone all the way off.

[Jsinjin]

I'm proud of you and absolutely support you virtually and in spirit!   Prayers for you and your future!

[ShyTurtle]

Having been in your position a few times now, I am so happy for you!! Getting out is the hardest, most dangerous part and you've done it! Please keep yourself safe as he rages. I'm rooting for you!!

[victoriousladyJj]

Having been in your position a few times now, I am so happy for you!! Getting out is the hardest, most dangerous part and you've done it! Please keep yourself safe as he rages. I'm rooting for you!!

Thank you! It's been a couple days and I feel so light and free. Finally at peace. I know it won't all be easy but I'm still happy with my decision.

[foggydude]

Oh wow. Amazing! Ty for sharing this status. I'm so happy you are happy. Sounds like the 1st time you've felt safe and able to relax for a while.

While I did not marry her or live together, we spent near ALL of our time together. Like near every moment.

4 months in a few days and I have serious regret. Your story has reminded me of why I left the R. You have helped me. Ty!

[victoriousladyJj]

Tomorrow will make exactly one week since I left. I've gone no contact with my husband but he's managed to send messages through my mother and best friend. The messages consist of guilt, blaming, and him being the victim (of course). He's even gone as far as calling me a "bad person" for leaving the way I did. He's sent a few messages through email urging me to just talk to him saying he respects my decision and isn't mad but just wants to talk when I'm ready. I haven't spoken to him at all (or planned to) since my dear john letter and know that its not a good idea for me to do so. I have good days and bad days. Upon arriving to my mothers home, I felt confident and strong, however, I now find that when I wake up in the morning I feel sad and filled with guilt over the situation. I question my decision and whether I got it all wrong. I think of him all alone in our home, sleeping alone, and feel bad. My feelings somewhat improve as the day goes on and stay busy. I already got a job and while my mom tells me I should take a few weeks off, I think work will help distract my mind. I just want to share all my emotions for anyone following my story. This is hard but I still have faith that I am making the best decision for my future.

[Simon]

Hi victoriousladyJj.
So that means it must be 2 weeks now.
How's it going?
Hope you're staying strong.

You've shown a lot of courage.
Don't let guilt drag you down.
Remember how he treated you.
You left for a reason.

Wishing you luck. 

[hhaw]

VcanVic:

I'm amazed at your conviction and strength.  Stay strong.  Be protective of self care, and always honor your instincts.

They're on point, IME.

Well done.

[victoriousladyJj]

Hi all!

I'm still here and doing well. I'm home with my family and enjoying the mental and emotional freedom. I'm laughing again and enjoying making plans for my future. The narc has been hoovering, mainly calling my family and friends to try to provoke me to react to him, however, I have remained at no contact. Remember the mistakes I mentioned when moving? well another one was not setting up my mail forwarding in time so he did end up finding out my new number which of course he got blocked from SMH. What he doesn't realize is that his behaviors are all proving to my friends and family that I am right. They are really shocked because I don't believe they fully understood before what I was dealing with but now they see it all much more. Being that I haven't spoken to him, I can tell he has slowly began the "smear campaign". I had a friend who didn't know any better actually send me a screenshot of a social media post of his. I kindly asked her to block and un-follow him as a part of my healing and she has. Luckily no one else in my small circle follows him or wants anything to do with him so that helps. His hoovering behaviors have helped me no longer feel guilty about leaving, I have moved on to anger and annoyance which I am trying to deal with. I filed for divorce but he has not been successfully served at this point so I am just  planning on what other steps I may have to take for that. Needless to say, I am mostly doing well. I got a job but don't start until the end of the month so I really haven't left the house much. I do want to start back working out and developing some healthy habits to keep my mind occupied and away from watching narc videos on YouTube all day ("assc direct channel" has always been my favorite). I don't feel guilty about leaving anymore but I do find myself replaying different moments during my 5 year relationship/3 year marriage which were red flags, recalling different things he may have said, and feeling that shame of falling for all of this. That's the tough part for me but I feel stronger and happier everyday. One youtuber said "on a spiritual personal development level, the narc hands you back to yourself" and I definitely agree with that! I even feel moments of gratitude for what I experienced because I needed to grow and learn and hopefully won't fall victim to someone like this again in the future.

Thank you all for your support! This forum helped give me so much courage.

[hhaw]

Be super compassionate with yourself ((Vic.))

Drop all judgement.  Step into Observer mode and tend to any and all feelings, emotions or pains, like you would a small child.

No guilt...no shame.

Only curiosity for what's really there and what comes next.

I'm so happy for you!

[victoriuslady_JJ]

Hi all! I hope everyone is doing well. This is the OP, VictoriousladyJj...for some reason I was not able to access my old account so I've made a new one. Its been about 10 months now since I last visited this post. Recently, I've been reflecting on this past year. I started thinking of this forum and all the support I received through other peoples stories and words of encouragement. Reading my old posts has been very therapeutic. I feel like an entirely new person today. I'm a year older and officially divorced from my ex-husband at the beginning of November. I stayed no contact the entire time and only communicated with my ex through email. He tried for months to connect with me and guilt trip me but I stood firm and am so happy that chapter is now closed. I haven't heard much from him but have no doubt he'll attempt some hoovers in the future.

After I separated I moved home with my mother and sisters (a very humbling experience at 31 yrs old). Once I moved home and went through all the grief, embarrassment and resentment of my "failed" relationship, I started to dissect my past. I discovered that I was indeed raised by two narcissists and was/am a victim of child abuse. There was so much from my childhood that I suppressed until I started speaking with my sisters. I found that my mother, though she knows how to play me so well, was in-fact mentally and emotionally abusive to me, in addition to my malignant narcissistic step-father.  I literally was gaslighted and lied to all my life to believe that what I experienced was "normal" or didn't happen. That anger and resentment I had for my ex started shifting over to my mother. It was my upbringing that led me to be attracted to such a dysfunctional and damaged man. I was raised to have no self esteem or self worth. I was raised to have no voice. It such a traumatic thing to come to terms with and I am definitely looking into counseling/therapy in the new year.

In January I'll be starting a travel assignment for work which will be helpful with giving me some distance and freedom from my mother and the memories of my childhood home. I plan to begin the process of moving out/looking for a new place of my own while I'm away. While I'm grateful to have had a place to go during my divorce, I know I need to keep boundaries from all toxic people in my life. It's truly time for me to move on. For the first time in my life, at 32 years old, I'll be completely on my own. I'll have no one in my head controlling me, manipulating me, telling me there opinions (or lies).

While I know I have some mental and emotional work to do, I know I'm in a better place and don't regret my decision to leave my relationship. It taught me lessons on self worth, self confidence and self-respect that I would have never learned otherwise. It revealed truths to me that I didn't see or ignored. It gave me a voice and courage to create boundaries in all areas of my life. I'm very optimistic and hopeful for my future!

[PlantFlowersNotWeeds]

Fantastic! Keep up the good work, you deserve it.

Inspirational post

[hhaw]

It's a personal choice, but I find trauma informed therapists, with a background in Buddhism, to be helpful in ways other therapists aren't. 

I believe the Buddhist piece represents the therapist doing their own work so they drop all expectations and judgement in the therapy sessions, which is HUGE, ime.

The new trauma informed therapies have provided relief and healing where the old style T made me feel worse... wasn't helpful at all, ime.

Good luck.  I feel you're way ahead of the life lessons curve at your age.  What an amazing life you can build while cultivating responsiveness and dropping reactivity......while paying attention to what's there and not what's.

You're gifting yourself more choice by finding a good therapist, ime.🌞