Incessant lectures

[11JB68]

Yes, this: Someone once explained to me that normal people take a fact and then respond with an emotion.
PD's take an emotion, and then create "facts" to make that emotion sensible.
So they feel first, then create a narrative that justifies their feeling.

Yesterday shoveling driveway/clearing cars. uPDh goes to move a car covered in snow and asks DS to direct him. DS intelligently says what if we clean off the rear camera so you can use that? uPDh gets angry. Tells DS "If I want your opinion I'll ask, otherwise I know what I'm doing". Was still angry hours later (I refused to engage) and construed it to me that DS was saying Clean off the car first - I said Oh, I think what he said was clean off the backup camera - uPDh couldn't even acknowledge that!

[Mary]

See sense. It's never going to happen. They just take your words, give them a whizz around in the salad spinner, and spit them back all crazily jumbled around until you're "....wait....WHAT???....how did we ever even get here???...."

LOL SparkStillLit--I needed that! 
Still laughing.
Mary

[Mary]

So last night was our scheduled "quality time." As I tried to participate, she told me to "shut up, this is my quality time and I will talk about whatever I want however I want." I would NOT call what followed a "conversation."

Suggestion- Try to transition your "quality time"  in front of a screen or shoulder-to-shoulder somewhere like at a restaurant with lots of screens. This is also the a good place to talk about important things you need to discuss because others are around and there's less likelihood of a scene. Close to home is best so you're not captive on the long ride home.

[WearyHusband]

LemonLime, you said,
"Someone once explained to me that normal people take a fact and then respond with an emotion.

PD's take an emotion, and then create "facts" to make that emotion sensible.
So they feel first, then create a narrative that justifies their feeling.

My PD would rage at me, and then throw out a bunch of unrelated and ancient stories that she seemed to feel justified her emotion.
Only the stories were from forever-ago.  And had nothing to do with what she raged at me about.
I think after raging she felt some cognitive dissonance, and in order to relieve that she tried to build a case for how I deserved the rage.

I only got out of the cycle when I FINALLY realized that nobody deserves to be raged at.  For any reason.
Of course now we have to be VLC because she does not accept that she has no right to rage at me."

This has been my experience for many years, until I started implementing noJADE, boundaries, and calmly asserting that I'll leave the room if my uPDw of 20 years starts replaying my past, berating me, and telling me how abusive I am (because of an illogically-knit together narrative in her mind of a string of hurtful things I've said/done over the years.)  For years, I would endure this cycle over and over of being reminded of a hurtful thing I said when we were dating, a hurtful thing I said 10 years ago, etc. These were all fuel for painting herself as the victim, and I only realized recently that I was playing into these cycles of subjecting myself to verbal and emotional abuse (cutting off sex for months at a time, silent treatment, berating, gaslighting, etc.) 

Until I learned to set boundaries, I would apologize over and over, empathize, etc. Then she would start the cycle again and assert that I never take responsibility for my behavior and apologize and care for her. Then the apology and placating cycle would start again. I'd think, "Oh, I guess I didn't apologize profusely enough" and I would try again. I finally asked her to go to therapy together to help me understand what I'm doing that's abusive - she refused. I asked her to leave the marriage if she believes I'm abusive - she refused.

It was only after therapy for myself, Codependency recovery, and Out of the FOG that I finally began taking my power back and setting boundaries such as, "I will no longer apologize for anything from the past that I've apologized for." And "I will not remain in the same room if you begin retelling a narrative of how abusive I am." It often seems like my uPDw thrives on negative energy. I love her, and I am learning not to take the bait.

[Mary]

 
So well put, both of you. Similar experience here. I'm just so happy to have found the Toolkit.
Mary

[xredshoesx]

this behavior was my final straw too.  my ex thought i needed to be instructed on the appropriate and proper way to reheat spaghetti.....and i realized that unless i DID SOMETHING DIFFERENT this would be the rest of my life and i would be miserable....  within 48 hours i 'evicted' him.  not a boundary that would be practical for all but i remember those days and am so glad, 14 years later, that i put my foot down for the last time about what i would allow.