Adult daughter of BPD mother

[HappyToHeal]

Greetings,

I am currently in the process of figuring out whether or how to have a relationship with my mother. After a fight about ten years ago, I discontinued contact. I was dealing with my own issues and was just starting to understand that what I dealt with from her my entire life was abuse. I reached out to her a few years ago, and I am hopeful I can have a distant relationship with her, but I also know that it is overwhelmingly likely that this will not be enough for her.

My personal goals in being here are to (1) gain perspective on how to protect myself if I choose to continue having a relationship with my BPD mother; and (2) gain insight from other adult children of BPD parents on how to confront struggles associated with having survived a difficult childhood.

Thank you for this resource. I am hopeful that we can be part of improving the lives of others through discussion of common experiences.

[WinterStar]

Welcome HappyToHeal!

My mother likely has BPD also. It's been really hard lately. She has unreasonable expectations for me and complains to my brother about me. I have tried a distant relationship with her. She's always disappointed and hurt by something, which was true before also. But now, each time she is hurt or disappointed, I take a step back, and she feels more hurt and disappointed, and I think you get where this is going. Hurts for my mom are always cumulative. She doesn't get over anything, so the wound just gets bigger. And she won't address anything out in the open, so she just gets more and more passive aggressive, and her behavior makes less and less sense.

I'm at the point where I don't want to see her again, but I'm not ready to go no contact yet either. Social distancing has given me a cover for now. I don't really know what the future will bring, but I'm enjoying the fact that I haven't spent time with her for a year. I'm strictly emails only because she dumps her emotional pain on me over the phone. She's started doing that via email as well, but it affects me less. Not needing to visit with her or talk with her on the phone has led to less harm to me, and I have experienced a lot of healing. For me, the most helpful things have been coming here, watching some YouTubers and books that I've read.

The most helpful books for me were:
1. Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents - which I like because my parents, who are likely both PDs, are absolutely emotionally immature, so it gave me a way to look at them from that angle without needing to put any labels on them
2. Pete Walker's book on C-PTSD - I didn't know I had complex PTSD until this past year. Reading about the reactions to trauma in his book was eye opening for me. Turns out that the effects trauma had on me was totally normal, predictable even. I wish I had known it decades ago!

Other people respond better to other resources, including therapy, so your mileage may vary. I'm sure you will get other recommendations and find some resource in addition to this forum that will help you. In the meantime, welcome and congrats on dealing with you own issues. It's what stops the cycle from continuing. What you're doing is hard. So hard that a lot of people don't even start. You can be proud about that! Even when you're having a tough recovery day, you're still on the right road.

[Hazy111]

Id recommend "Understanding The Borderline Mother" by Christine Lawson. Reviewed on this site. Brilliant and she has advice for children of Borderlines. Its expensive but i understand its available to read on the internet.

[ShyTurtle]

Id recommend "Understanding The Borderline Mother" by Christine Lawson. Reviewed on this site. Brilliant and she has advice for children of Borderlines. Its expensive but i understand its available to read on the internet.

Someone recommended this book to me and also pointed out that the audio book is available for free on youtube:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6-Ai6ujUDX0&list=PL94j5ECCzW1frzUVZtYclBrzjOv7OpujU

It's a great book! Towards the end there are tips on how to deal with each bpd mother archetype. I've been listening to some of those chapters over and over.

[Ciaobella]

Hi HappytoHeal,

I had a devastating event nearly 10 years ago during my wedding with my mom. Since that time it has been constant hills and valleys which have been exhausting. I read Surviving a Borderline Parent and it was helpful for setting boundaries and grieving the loss of a childhood that I later realized was very different than most. In the last couple years, her behaviors have gotten much worse. I did 6 months of no contact and now am going into permanent no contact. My father actually shared this place with me as a resource as he was not a supporter of no contact until he read more about it. I know you are looking to have a relationship, but I'm also letting you know if it's not possible that it's okay to cut ties. I wish someone had told me that when my best attempts were not viable because the person on the other end will never change. I wish you the best of luck and hope that you are able to set healthy boundaries.

[Thru the Rain]

You may want to ask yourself how are your personal boundaries after going no contact for 10 years.

My DH has been NC with his uNF for a long time, but working on his boundaries is on a separate and much slower path.

Be honest with yourself. And if you're not sure then definitely read up on boundaries. The other posters listed some great books.