Hoping for some advice

[AnonymousHippopotamus]

Hey, I was wondering if someone could share their thoughts on a message i recently received from my partner's mum.

Myself and my partner are not married but have been together for 10 years. We Lived with his parents for 2 years during a recent time. After experincing many worrying signs of neglectful and spiteful behaviour towards me, I eventually had to express that I'd come to terms that the relationship between me and his parents to be one of those in-law relationships that just doesn't work and I'd prefer to keep myself distanced. I also explained that i used the term 'in-law' lightly as I know we're not married but have been together for a long time.

The message she said in response to this was: "If I have to see myself as an in-law so be it. As your 'in-law' which i had hoped i'd not be considered, such a relationship when titled as so does wreak of havock though."

Do you think I'm being silly for feeling disheartened by this? There's a whole lot of context missing here, but in order to keep this short, I just wanted to highlight this niggle. Am i overthinking it? To this point my Partner's mum hasn't ever showed an ounce of interest in forming any kind of bond with me. Even during the time i lived with his parents for 2 years, both parents barely acknoweldegd my existance or showed interest. His parents only send me text messages so they can indirectly talk to my partner.  Whilst i lived with them, his mum's neglect felt the worst, i guess it's because i wasn't expecting it. The experience definitely brought up a lot from my Childhood.

I understand that her message may come across as no biggy but it does niggle away at me - it felt like such a cold thing to say to me after all these years.

It's comforting to release these words here, and I'm grateful to read through this forum, there's been a lot of advice from people replying to other's that has helped me greatly and for that i'm already grateful!

My Partner has asked his mum to clarify why she has behaved this way towards me and why she has said the things she has said but hasn't recieved an answer of any clarity at all.

Thank you x

[BettyGray]

I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. IT's so exhausting, isn't it?

You're not silly, or overreacting, or overthinking. In fact, you are FEELING more than you are thinking, because your feelings are real and normal. One does not even need to put any thought into it. Their behavior is rude and dismissive. There's no excuse for it.

The problem is, if you're like me, you tend to take this kind of behavior personally, because it triggers our own issues with FOO. Of course we all want our in-laws to like and accept us, just as we want our own parents to do the same. Unfortunately, this isn't always the case in either situation.Sounds like you don't like them as people anyway and they don't sound worth knowing.

My advice? They're not worthy of your pain. These are infinitesimally small people we are dealing with. Cornered animals who lash out in the ways they know how. Some do it through spiteful comments and behaviors, others through more covert, manipulative ways.

The message, while barbarous, is an obvious lashing out. Its intended effect upon you has worked. The intent is to make you feel bad while avoiding any kind of accountability. She knows you're going to be hurt (or at least annoyed) by her words. Pretty horrible stuff. It is hard for kind, empathetic people such as yourself to understand how people could behave so coldly.

Not reacting is best with mean people. Never give them what they want, which is an emotional reaction. Once they have it, they can claim to be the rational ones. Ignore what you can, but be firm when their behavior crosses a line.

She is never going to be the mother-in-law you want. Give up on that. The best you can do is work on yourself, learn her patterns and games, and disengage.

How does your partner react to her meanness toward you?

[AnonymousHippopotamus]

Hi Liz,

Thanks so much for your reply, and for understanding. I've read over her messages today and really done some soul searching, and the amount of contradictions she has made is hilarious. But I can't help but feel 'wronged' by her dishonesty at the same time. I was also reading through some replies in this forum last night about having a broken injustice meter, and I totally related to that. You've confirmed my suspitions on how easy it is for me to take these things personally, and it's helped to have another person besides myself and my partner to allow that to really sink in. My partner has been really supportive and is 100% on the same page as me. He's always been their scapegoat so it's really nice to see him creating his own boundries and stepping into his own power. He's been getting a lot of family pressure recently and a few months back he had his Nan and Grandad call on his Birthday saying that they don't know how much time they have left to live and that they'd love it if he could back down and make up with his mum and dad before they die because life's too short.... and then his Nan got his Grandad on the phone, who has dementia, to sing happy birthday to him. And when my partner tried to explain his side of the situation, his nan completely dismissed and stopped him from talking, then changed the subject to football  it's been very hard on him. Crazy making!

But yes, my partner is constantly shocked at her behaviour towards me, so that's comforting to know he has my back. He's more than happy to put them aside to focus on our lives, so i really don't have much to worry about. He's just trying to form a close relationship with his brother who unfortunately still lives with them. The most i'm terrified of is the thought of having children and the difficulties that may arise with that. His mum has already tried to control his choice to distance from them by trying to get us into mediation with her. I'd hate to think what lengths she'd go to if we were to have children.

Really thankful again for your advice Liz, I do need this wake up call! I realise I had no boundries before and very much a people pleaser  , hopefully now i can work to a point where I'm no longer triggered. Thank you!

[Cat of the Canals]

Wow, something about that message sounds exactly like my MIL (she is also not legally my in-law, but we've been together for 18 years, so close enough). It's sort of vague, almost innocuous... but at the same time, she sounds like she's making it clear that she disapproves of *something.* Phew. No wonder it's so exhausting to deal with them.

I honestly think they do it on purpose. They make these veiled comments that can only be taken as a negative, but if you were to say, "What does that mean?" I don't think they'd be able to give a real answer. It's like they want to give you a little pinch when no one is looking, just to keep you on your toes.

I don't know if this would be appropriate for your situation, but my partner and I decided along time ago to keep our FOOs somewhat separate, in that my parents don't have access to him and his do not have access to me. (My mother is also unBPD). This was even before we were Out of the FOG. I think we both sensed that our mothers would only try to enmesh with the other partner or meddle in the relationship, so we've always had very solid boundaries in that regard (if not in others).

If his mother were to send me a message, I wouldn't respond. I would tell him, "Your mom sent me this," and let him handle it. I actually had to block her on Facebook, because even though we weren't "friends", she could see my public posts and then she'd harass him about various things. (i.e. "I saw all the photos of Cat's brother's wedding. You need to propose. It's obvious that's what she wants."  ) Anyway, I don't know if it's something you could explore, but it's simplified a lot of things for us.