Addicted to Occupying My Mind?

[Wolf]

I'm a 24 year old male with a mother who has obvious (yet undiagnosed) BPD. My entire childhood and part of adulthood was filled with her having daily, uncontrollable fits of rage that lasted for many hours and lashing out at me and my father. I still have contact with her and don't plan on going completely no contact unless things get really bad, though many times that I talk to her she ends up trying to verbally abuse and bully me.

I'm highly educated (bachelors degree, working on Masters) with a job as well. Overall I think I"m pretty well adjusted, however, If I am not working or with friends, I spend pretty much all my spare time either playing video games, watching TV or binge watching porn. We're talking several hours almost every day of doing this. If I stop doing it I get anxious/depressed/angry, which I think is due to the fact that I can't stand to not have my mind fully occupied and stimulated, else it goes to dark places. I feel these addictions are relatively harmless coping mechanisms compared with substance abuse, but others may disagree. I've always been careful not to use substances (never used drugs other than alcohol). I have no addiction to alcohol whatsoever and don't drink often, but when I do (usually in social settings) I almost always drink like I'm on a mission until I'm quite f*cked up. Moderation is something I just can't do, either in school, work, play, or leisure it seems.

Anyway, I just wondered if anyone else has experienced this--not being comfortable without some type of mental stimulation/distraction all the time.

[Thru the Rain]

I think what you describe is more and more common as a response to daily stress.

Here is an article describing Behavioral Addiction, which includes the activities you mentioned: https://www.verywellmind.com/addictive-behaviors-4157291

One point that jumped out from the article was the second bullet under Signs of Behavioral Addition: Becoming dependent on the behavior as a way to cope with emotions and to "feel normal". Which sounds a lot like what you describe.

As a society we tend to think about alcohol and drugs, but any addictive behavior can be harmful to you. You may want to consider getting counseling to help you with the underlying issue that's causing the addictive behavior. Taking care of yourself in this way will allow you to pursue the activities you listed for pleasure, and not as an escape from pain. You deserve that.

[Boat Babe]

I agree with Thru the rain and would add that this difficulty of being alone with yourself is a very human problem, probably exacerbated by Covid isolation and definitely a problem for many adult children of PDs.
I have got a variety of coping mechanisms myself, some healthy, others less so.

That said, it IS healthy to be able to sit quietly and peacefully with yourself and you clearly want to achieve that. The classic routes to this are in spirituality and art. I am neither a religious person nor an artist but have learned a lot about myself through meditation from the Buddhist tradition. I like it because it works, I absolutely don't have to believe anything supernatural and it's very simple (not necessarily easy though 😃)  Also, I have had therapy and read a fair amount of self help/philosophy/ psychology etc. It's been the work of a lifetime to be fair, but I can now chill out with myself relatively happily. I hope this helps.

[Seven]

New hobbies!

Exercise.  Do it!  I row. Started as a means to an end for weight loss.  Now I'm a competitive indoor rower. And now it's totally addictive. Literally. If I accidentally miss a day, I'm a wreck. And being young as you are, You could eventually pull some amazing times. Go buy a Concept 2 (used or new) watch some YouTube videos to get started and join the C2 Facebook groups. You will not stop, I guarantee it.  A more healthier hobby and trust me when I say people will notice a difference just in your personality alone. I finally found my true self, after a lifetime of being told who I was and how I felt by my own dysfunctional family. I never had my own identity before I found rowing.  You're so young you'd have a lifetime of medals ahead of you. Please trust me when I say "do this"

I also do jigsaw puzzles. You can get lost in them for hours. It's pretty meditative yet brain stimulating at the same time, and there's enough artwork out there to please any kind of taste.

[Hepatica]

If you grew up in an ongoing, highly stressful environment I don't think that it's uncommon to have freeze or numbing responses later on. I developed that in response to a highly volatile mother growing up. I just sort of went quiet. I didn't fight back or fawn. I froze and I turned to reading books (um. lots and lots of Archie comics growing up...)

I numb out and freeze now as an adult and I've come to realize that the natural part of who I was as I was a child, i mean the act of running out and finding friends to play with where I grew up (which was common in my era - the 70's) was a healthy thing but it disappeared. I never felt self-conscious then, but as I grew up i have become much more socially anxious and i stay at home and numb out, binge watching shows, reading news online and whatever form it takes to not have a moment to sit with and feel my feelings.

When I can get back in person to see my therapist I am going to address this. I want to begin to feel the feelings that i have been numbing and also find that more "free-play" part of myself that could be comfortable inside of myself.

I don't know it this helps.

If you are concerned that you are out of balance, it's ok. It is most likely a coping mechanism because the feelings are uncomfortable and they would be after surviving a chaotic childhood. But I am certain that once we become aware of parts of us that need work, we can address them and heal.

Your post made me think about myself.

[Happypants]

Wolf, I honestly wish I'd had your level of self-awareness at 24 years old.  Everyone has their own way of dealing with this, there's no right or wrong.  I went down the same route as Seven in the sense that I used exercise as a way of coping, but it's not just about the endorphins and stress relief.  I took up trail running at 40 after a couple of years of attempting to build a habit of pounding the pavements.  Even at my lowest level of fitness, it was meditative - anything which requires your full concentration (like having to quickly plan ahead for every step as is required for trail running on uneven, technical ground) is a opportunity to shut off from what is going on in your head, be in the moment, improve your self-esteem and reinforce your true identity.  Trail running changed my views on exercising for that very reason.  Can't do it anymore due to my back, but hitting the trails for a fast walk (or mountain biking?) does the same. 

[all4peace]

Wolf, this is really self-aware, as others have mentioned.

I identify with what you describe, what I'm hearing as a compulsion to keep your mind busy and occupied. I myself have had this pattern my entire life. I relate to your description of this as a coping mechanism. Some of my work in the past years has been to titrate into longer and longer lengths of time that are silent. I started a mind-body-silence practice each morning, working up to 10-20 min. Along with an absolute plethora of other self-care tools in my toolbox, my mind is finally generally calm. I don't ruminate, obsess, or get stuck in endless loops of thought. I can be quiet and feel safe and calm in that space.

I think this is a journey, and only you can decide if it's one you want to take. You seem to be concerned with this pattern. The great news is there's an absolute mountain of support in the world for learning how to quiet your mind and body, apps, books, etc.

Since you enjoy reading, there is really interesting literature out there about the polyvagal nerve and polyvagal theory that would give you a framework for how early trauma leads to an activated nervous system, as well as methods for learning to calm one's nervous system over time. My best to you!