Narcissistic Sister?

[Hadenuffsaid]

Not sure where to start but I'm having awful problems with my sister & don't know which way to turn & have a situation that is getting out of control.  My sister seems to have harboured really bad feelings towards me for much of our lives - I'm 3 years older I passed an exam when I was 12 (unexpectedly some might say!) which she failed (unexpectedly).  Our F passed away in an accident when we were 20 & 17.  I was left to look after my uPDM only leaving when I married my husband, I met him through my Sister - we've been married for 28yrs happily with a few ups & downs like most marriages.  About 12yrs ago I confided really sensitive stuff about me to my sister.  She wheedled it out of me under the influence of drink, a bit of duress & with what seemed like compassion.  Within a couple of years  she started to throw it back in my face, speak of it near my children & threatened to tell people mainly when she had had a drink & was pulled up for it.  She had married in the meantime & had a very volatile marriage it was very toxic ultimately ending in an acrimonious divorce - we supported her 100% throughout with money, emotional & practical help with her 2 children who were quite young.  They had moved to our town so I did a lot pick-ups, feeding the children etc so she could work up town. I also cared for my mum off & on in this period who has remained a widow.  About 2 yrs ago I was extremely ill & needed 2 new hips - it was literally bone on bone so I was effectively bed bound - my S wanted a huge extension done on her house & asked my h for help to manage the build.  Long story short they became quite close, I could see it but wasn't physically able to do anything about it - I was effectively watching my marriage implode - I did pull him on it but he denied it etc we carried on - the build went on for about 7 months he had to juggle me (my hips had been replaced by now) our niece who had come to live with us during the build (I wasn't asked) & it was an important exam year for her (who does that for starters - a huge build in an exam year) I was nothing but kind to her.  Anyhow things came to a head & I found an email to a solicitors (the solicitor that her ex-husband had used to tear her to shreds) it seemed he was looking for a divorce- hand on heart we had never ever talked about divorce.  As you can imagine life pretty much fell apart my H was beside himself - we have had marriage guidance & has really helped ultimately we love each other, our children & our life we have built.  My S is all out to wreck this -it seems he confided stuff in her which she has tried to blackmail him with & then both of us.  She has said in emails, messages etc that she wants to ruin us & she has started to do that - things like 'their marriage is a sham' to my 82yr old Mum - her most recent & where she is now becoming dangerous, she sent a terrible email to our financial guy telling really personal hateful stuff - he's a professional & has said he deleted it but I'm sure he probably read it & it was really awful - she has crossed a line - she should never have shared her judgement or our private matters in a public domain.  I just don't know what to do to kerb it - I honestly think it's a police matter but couldn't do that & NC is difficult due to my mums care (of which she has been hugely critical) anyway I'm sorry it's so long - tbh it's the tip of the iceberg- but any tips or tools I can use would be handy as I'm at a loss & can feel my own MH taking a bashing. Thank you for taking the time to read

[DistanceNotDefense]

Hi Hadenuffsaid! I really relate to having a sister like this. Especially the confiding of really sensitive stuff.

For almost 20 years my sister and I were extremely close, practically best friends. I always shared everything with her. At some point more disordered/PD tendency-ridden folk in my FOO butted in, and abruptly everything changed - I had no idea the potential they all had to turn my vulnerability and healthy need for support into a weapon, and though I had no idea this could happen, I still regret it. I thought my family would be strong enough to lean on during my darkest hour but I was so wrong - and instead it opened me up to learning about PDs and how unwell my family had been right under my own nose all along.

My FOO also convinced themselves that my marriage was a sham, and set themselves to working it apart when there were problems (I think they're probably still doing this but I'm NC) - some of it fueled by the very things I confided in them about. I also think because I was busy moving, running and establishing two new successful businesses, and was becoming less available. I think they resented that. They were starting to have their own personal problems but felt it simpler and more satisfying to hoist that on me for their own comfort.

I wish I had some good advice. I think the only advice I can think of, but probably the best and simplest, is that you desperately need boundaries with your sister (and between her and your husband too). If you can't go NC then maybe it just needs to be the legal route, so that her actions can only be rendered dead on the water, and then you can take it from there I suppose. Somehow she just needs to be rendered completely ineffective, no matter what she does, and the rest of the battle is just fighting against the guilt.

I wish you the best of luck. Dealing with this is so hard, and I'm so sorry - you don't deserve any of it. I hope it gets better.