This is really taking the P here MIL

[p123]

Usually its my Dad but, if you remember MIL used to come to stay and it got to be a problem with overstaying her welcome. At the time wife did sit her down and explain.

She ended up in hospital for 7 weeks and got out yesterday. So, for once wife and her siblings got together. We'd have her starting today until 26th, then she'd go to her brothers for 2 days, then her sisters for 2 days. Sorted. Part of the reason - wife works shifts and was working late shifts for 3 days from 26th so it'd be just me at home (with the kids). If wife was the only child then, hey I'd look after her for those days, but since theres 4 of them to share the load, I wasn't keen on being the carer for those days,

So she knows this yet tonight pipes up - "oh im not staying im going for an hgour then coming back here". Wife pointed out that it was all arranged, brother would like to see her for those days. "No I'll come back here". Wife then pointed out she was in work and it'd be just me at home "Thats OK I'm still coming back here I'll go home wednesday or thursday".

Wow. Talk about skin like a rhino! How rude is that? Inviting yourself to stay for as long as it suits you.......

Not the first time shes done this. We seem to to be the default/preferred option where she gets to stay whenever she wants.

Also, I don't know what shes playing at. Hospital 7 weeks, today she missed important medication doses because wife picked her up lunchtime. Decided to wait for wife to tell her what tablets to take. This is despite admitting that hospital had gone through and explained this to her! One day out and shes like this.....

They also did an assessment in the hospital to ensure she was fit to discharge. ie she could walk up stairs etc. Comes to our house and can't do it anymore. We've got a downstairs bathroom and she hasn't at home. Hmmmm.

Shes up to something..... Looks like she forgotten all that discussed and decided what she wants which is to spend the majority (if not all) of her time at our house but not her other kids.

Anyway I am just shocked at how someone can be do damn rude. We never invited her to stay for 8/9 days at all. Its just not fair that she expects us to be the preferred option.
It got like this over the summer - she ended up managing to manipulate things so she, some weeks, ended up staying 3-4 nights a week. This was way to much. I mean I like my MIL but still I didnt think this was fair. In the end wife agreed....

Anyway, watch this space. I can see it all kicking off to be honest. I'm taking a step back and allowing wife to deal for now, but if needs be, I think I need to have a word. My wife is just so upset, angry etc that her mothers done this and shes stuck in the middle.

Of course, anyone thinks I'm being unfair here, let me know.

[Thru the Rain]

You are certainly not being unfair!

I feel so much frustration on your behalf and on behalf of your wife.

If you MIL has the skin of a rhino - it may be very intentional. From what you describe, she's turned completely helpless once she arrived at your house.

What is your plan for the extra days when MIL is there, but your wife is working? I would suggest becoming very busy out of the house so you're not on hand to be the carer. Just my 2 cents.

[Medowynd]

You know MIL can say what she wants.  But she can't drive.  So with no transportation, she can stay at brother's house.  And is sounds like she is seriously jeopardizing her health with her refusal to take her meds.

[p123]

You are certainly not being unfair!

I feel so much frustration on your behalf and on behalf of your wife.

If you MIL has the skin of a rhino - it may be very intentional. From what you describe, she's turned completely helpless once she arrived at your house.

What is your plan for the extra days when MIL is there, but your wife is working? I would suggest becoming very busy out of the house so you're not on hand to be the carer. Just my 2 cents.

Yes we pretty much think the skin of the rhino is deliberate - she knows what shes doing.....

Thing is she always plays the helpless act. It means basically I have to fetch and carry for her, cook for her while wife is in work. Seems a bit much to me to expect your SIL to do when you're son is 5 mins down the road and wants you there.

If it was just my wife then different story - I'd help out if I could.

[p123]

You know MIL can say what she wants.  But she can't drive.  So with no transportation, she can stay at brother's house.  And is sounds like she is seriously jeopardizing her health with her refusal to take her meds.

Well to be honest she got herself into hospital in the first place by neglecting herself. Took much alcohol over the years, then she basically decided she was ill and stopped eating. Caused a massive bowel problem which meant those weeks in hospital. Yeh not clever on day one not taking the meds the hospital gave you.

[p123]

Its xmas eve and I'm just so stressed. Shes here now and, until it gets sorted, looks like she plans to stay for over a week.

I do feel bad for my wife - shes in the middle of this but, to be fair, MIL has pushed her into this. Its not going to end well whichever way it goes.

[Outsiderchild]

Wow!  I guess she's won!  This is like what WomanInterrupted always warned about happening if you let the PD even get one foot in the door!  How many times did she say that Didi's plan was a hospital bed in the living room?You don't get to decide who lives in your own house, your MIL does!

I think you and your wife need to think about what effect Grandma playing out her end stage alcoholism spiral will have on your children.  Tough thing to think about.  Hard to protect them from what they are going to witness.  Maybe they will be co opted into "helping Grandma" by hiding the bottles or covering up her usage, you know, "don't tell your parents."  Maybe they just get to watch her drink herself away.  Maybe you guys need to go to Al Anon?

My husband's family has dealing/not dealing  with alcoholism for at least four generations now. It isn't pretty to watch and not letting the addiction be in charge of your home is so important.   I feel I've been harsh with what I've said, and it's because this is frightening to me.  I think my children are healthy and I hope their future children have the potential to be the first generation in my husband's family to not be addicts or suffering damage from living with people hurt by the addict.   

Is it really worth risking your kids just so Grandma can continue with this behavior?

[p123]

Well it looks like this battle is won for now.

Wifes brother, fair play, came around and has told her, you're staying at mine 26th, then other daughters 28th or I'll take you home. Hes also promised to have a word with her (prob in one ear and out the other mind). Shes sulking now but looks like its sorted.

To be fair, I just hope my wife remembers the only way to deal is to tell her straight. We didn't really want to upset her but shes certainly tried it on a bit.

Wife is arranging for her to come back for 2 days after this. She has just got out of hospital after all. I have no problems with this as long as the days/lengths are on our terms not hers. Just hoping, wife is adamant at the moment that it won't it doesnt go back to 3-4 days every week.

The alcohol thing. Remains to be seen if she starts drinking again.... Same with the medication. If she decides to drink, and/or can't even be bothered to look after her own medication then what happens happens.

Thing is she loves my kids to bits and she loves them too. I can't stop this completely but she does use the fact that my daughter likes having her around. My answer is if you told a 7 year old the Easter Bunny was moving in she'd cheer!

[Outsiderchild]

Thank you for listening to my concerns that I admit are based on completely different people than your family.  I hope that your MIL will choose health and do what's necessary to keep out of the hospital. 
It's encouraging that it sounds like your wife and her siblings have a clear idea of what the plan is.  If there wasn't love involved, all of this would be so much simpler. 

[nanotech]

There's support out there if it's needed;

Al anon
https://www.al-anonuk.org.uk/

0800 0086 811

[Thru the Rain]

I'm glad your wife's siblings are stepping up to help keep your MIL to the plans.

Sending you peace for the next few days over Christmas.

[p123]

Thanks all for the kind words.....

To be honest, wife has decided if she can't be bothered to make any effort at all then she'll have to face the consequences. Its not as if she can't its just she can't be bothered.
Will she take her meds? We'll see. I'm guessing no.

What does she expect? Someone to hand them to her every few hours.....

The only time this is going to happen is in a professional setting like a care home, hospital or if carers come in. This doesnt seem to be sinking in that expecting her daughter to give up her job, her family because she wants to is just not going to happen.

[lkdrymom]

I am not really sure why your wife feels she is in the middle. Middle of what?  Her siblings are supporting her, she just doesn't want to tell her mom how is it going to be.  I'm glad her brother stepped up and straightened mom out.

People like this play on the fact that you don't want a confrontation and if they keep saying what they want it will happen.

I agree, your MIL needs to face the consequences of her (in)actions. Sounds to me like she just wants attention and someone to fuss over her and 'take care of her'...which is code for 'abdicate all responsibility for my own life". Don't let that happen. My father tried that with me so many times.

[p123]

I am not really sure why your wife feels she is in the middle. Middle of what?  Her siblings are supporting her, she just doesn't want to tell her mom how is it going to be.  I'm glad her brother stepped up and straightened mom out.

People like this play on the fact that you don't want a confrontation and if they keep saying what they want it will happen.

I agree, your MIL needs to face the consequences of her (in)actions. Sounds to me like she just wants attention and someone to fuss over her and 'take care of her'...which is code for 'abdicate all responsibility for my own life". Don't let that happen. My father tried that with me so many times.

She feels shes in the middle between me and her mother.....
I pointed out her mother has pushed herself between us and its not me.

Oh yes its clear what MIL wants to be honest. Similar to my Dad - she wants to "give up" and let someone else deal with everything.....

Nursing homes are a place for people like my MIL and Dad. Someone gets paid to mollycoddle them!

[lkdrymom]

That is exactly what assisted living is for.   My father's famous line was "my daughter takes care of everything".    I wanted to scream...your daughter will take care of things you can't do, not stuff you don't feel like doing!

[p123]

That is exactly what assisted living is for.   My father's famous line was "my daughter takes care of everything".    I wanted to scream...your daughter will take care of things you can't do, not stuff you don't feel like doing!

That is spot on exactly what I think....

I'm sure you're the same - we'd do ANYTHING for our parents that they NEED. BUT not because they can't be bothered. I get that a LOT with Dad.
Stuck in the house because you can't be bothered to drive the scooter I bought - stay in then not my problem.
Want a specific meal from a certain supermarket close to my house, so I have to drive 30 mins to deliver. I can't always do that - starve then.

MIL tried it on. Can't be bothered to cook - so wife ordered a load of food from a place called farm foods. Easy to cook - delivered to her door.
She tried - I don't understand my tablets. Wife did it once then told her to learn. she did it 2nd time.

MIL once said, when my wife was there, to a visitor, "Oh I'm independent, I don't like to put on my kids". Wifes mouth dropped in amazement!

[Phoenix Rising]

That is exactly what assisted living is for.   My father's famous line was "my daughter takes care of everything".    I wanted to scream...your daughter will take care of things you can't do, not stuff you don't feel like doing!

This!! 



P123 you're not being unfair. I think your MIL is really playing and pitting everyone against each other. Typical  They always seem to know how to pour salt in a wound.

[p123]

Good news this all got resolved... Not after much trying it on from MIL....

Wifes brother sat his mum down and put it bluntly to her. She didnt like, had a massive mood for a few days, but then realised this wasnt going to do her any good.

So here visits are now about 1/3rd what they were which is fine....

[lkdrymom]

That is what it takes.  Someone not caring if you get mad or not when they set a boundary.  This is an example we need to follow.

[p123]

That is what it takes.  Someone not caring if you get mad or not when they set a boundary.  This is an example we need to follow.

Wifes brother has been brilliant to be fair. He just says to her "this is what is happening"