"funny" card of doom

[frogjumpsout]

Hi everyone,

So, I went NC/ VVLC with both parents recently. I spoke to my NM but not en/ drunky F about this choice. Lately, I was feeling guilty that I hadn't actually spelled things out for him -- there's a part of him that's just like a little kid  and he's not as malignant as NM. I opened the spam folder in my email, fearing to find confused and upset messages . . . nothing.

Then, today, I got an envelope from him. After the usual dread and guilt, I opened it. It was a request for a change of address from the alumni association of my university (which I attended decades ago.) It went to their house, I guess. He forwarded with post-it saying, in all caps, "TRYING TO HIDE FROM [name of college]??"

This reminds me of the time about 10 years ago when he (probably drunkenly) cursed me and my partner out over the phone, saying every hurtful thing that came into his head. I hung up on him and later sent an email stating that I'd hung up because I'd been too upset to go on talking. He wrote back ignoring that, inviting us both to a barbecue the next day.

Now I'm all weepy and not exactly sure why. Can any relate to this?

Thanks for reading!

[Ladymm]

frogjumpsout,

I am sorry for what happened to you. My father also sometimes jumps from being extremely judgemental to the nice guy he would like to be but is not, so I feel your pain. He is less malignant also than my own NM, but if your father is like my father, he is probably a toxic enabler with bouts of unexpected anger.

The letter he sent you feels like a reminder again of how good he is, he cares about you, he resent you the document, but on the other hand didn't miss the opportunity to put you again once more and maybe reminded you that you are weak, just like he is. But you shared with us about your pain, while he will perhaps never be able to digest what is eroding him. He will deal with his uncomfortable feelings through addiction, emotional abuse, taking the side of the perpetrator (so he can share the power of the narcissist, which is in his eyes the pillar of the family but in reality just a mother with a personality disorder). It is a bit subjective what I wrote, maybe it doesn't resonate with how you feel about your story, but these are the conclusions I drew I found maybe would be helpful based on what you wrote.

This is not the story of the turtle and the rabbit, where the turtle who is intelligent and perserves wins over the rabbit who is fast. Your father has no connection to his talents and strenghts I think you win yourself back just when you realize that you can stay out of this crazy race.

[nanotech]

"'There's a part of him that's just like a little kid,"

I relate to this, because of my UNPDbrother. Both he and my UNPD sis have consistently abused me by post.

It usually involves a 'jokey' message that is intended to mock and belittle me.

I see you've suffered similarly. The  post - it
you received is quite malicious.
He's using the alumni letter to enable an attack on you over your NC/ VVLC with them.
They often use an innocent context to mentally beat you up.
They don't like your boundaries. So they accuse you of 'hiding' but they use another context to express it. They add a 'just kidding' clause. They do this both to keep their pride,  and also to validate their use of emotive words such as 'hiding'.
Look at that word- then laugh!


This is what I would say to them in my head. 

" Nice try,  but  no cigar.
I see you. "

Rip up the post- it and throw it out or burn it.

They often dress the abuse up in a joke.
It makes it more difficult to accuse them of anything.
Everything they do is deniable.
No wonder you feel upset and weepy.

This is what I would say to them directly.

Nothing.
Let them have no response at all.
I'm sending hugs!

[frogjumpsout]

Thank you so much for the responses, Ladymm and nanotech!

Ladymm, "toxic enabler with bouts of unexpected anger" sums it up! So sorry that you've had this in your life, too. It's so destabilizing and sets one up to be a bag of nerves. Thank you also for the affirmation that, just by admitting my pain and reaching out,  I am different from him!

Nanotech, you understand completely! Thank you! Even when I told my partner about the card, he just sort of laughed and said "Well, that's funny." What these people do is very deniable unless someone has been in a similar situation. 

You are spot-on in your interpretation, which rang immediately true, but which I would not have reached on my own, at least not for a long time. Also, instinctively, I ripped up the card as soon as I read it! And the s!@#$% little post-it, too.

Thanks to you both for the quick support and virtual hugs! I'm really grateful for you and for this community.  (I'm not sure what the pink elephant means but I like it.)

[makingachange]

Hi!

First off, I just want to say I am so sorry you are going through this.  I personally am going through something a bit similar ...where they minimize and act like they did nothing wrong.

It is so complicated and it is hard to wrap our minds around these behaviors.  I can completely understand why you feel weepy...this is valid.

Try to not beat yourself up too much on this...I agree with the comments above...burn the post it...and let it go...

I would maybe not respond to them as well....In my opinion when you respond to their behavior especially when they won't take responsibility for it...only shows them that they can keep on being rude/aggressive/ and abusive...

I am wishing you the best...we support you completely! <3  Hope you are having a better day!

[frogjumpsout]

Thanks so much, makingachange! I hope your own situation is going all right, and if you feel like talking about  it, I'm all ears.

I'm definitely not going to respond to this lazy, stalkerish hoover attempt. And I'll feel a lot less guilt about that than I would have otherwise because of the support I've gotten on this forum. Thank you again!