My Own Stupid Reality

[Kat54]

The vision of my ex and I getting along and being able to do things as a family with our two adult kids I guess is a fantasy in my head. I've been having dreams about my ex and it's been the same theme. We are away together but we are divorced and with our kids doing something with them to help them. I've had two of those dreams.
When I do see him he's nice, cordial, polite. But I know deep down he's seething with anger and rage. That was always his MO when we were together, Always nice to everyone, but soon out of earshot he would tear the person apart about either their stupidity or just plain hating them, not saying anything nice.
So I saw my daughter for dinner tonight and she brought mail to me. I've tried to have my address changed to my new address but mostly junk comes to our old house we had together that he now owns. But some of it is mail I need.
Right before we spilt up my father had passed away and he left me an inheritance. Nothing that made me rich but enough to give me a new start and help buy me a new home. I recently had to cash out the rest of an account because I'm renovating the kitchen in my new home. The rest is going into my retirement.
Unfortunately I had not done a change of address in the account and I need the money quick for a down payment so the check is going to my old address, my ex's home. I was going to call him and explain the situation but when I told my daughter she said no, please don't call him, I'll take care of it. Just let me know what's coming and I'll look out for it.
Ugh, I first felt she's running cover to avoid a situation with him and interacting with me.
Like I said the fantasy in my head about us getting along. It makes me sad but,  why should I be surprised. Why am I continuing to be naive about people? Mostly naive that he doesn't hate me because He does hate me. Why do I think most people are good and can forgive and move on from anger.
I get it he's angry, why am I not angry with him for abandoning me and not working on our marriage. I left because he didn't care, it was my problem he said that I was unhappy. Believe me I was not blameless and I gave up on our marriage In the end and went full steam ahead in divorcing him.
Sometime I do miss him, not sure why. All he did was bark and yell at me all the time and be controlling.

[BeautifulCrazy]

I have a difficult time with this too, Kat.
I still have the dreams. And daydreams. And fantasies.
In the beginning I was alternately furious and heartbroken. I was grieving the loss of the nice, normal family unit. It wasn't even a potential or 'maybe someday' outcome anymore. That was hard.
Now, more of the same, grieving the amicable, or frankly, even civil, interactions we should / could be having, going forward as co-parents. There is no possibility of that either and it sucks. I think I miss that alot; the possibility of having something more normal and nice. And sometimes I forget, and I still feel that hope that it could happen. But.... Nope! He is not like the rest of us. He is not 'nice', or 'normal' on the inside and he isn't capable of maintaining civility, even for his kids. Now, when I miss him from time to time, I realize I miss the ideal in my head of what he (we?) could have, should have, or might have been.
We aren't going to be the nice, friendly exes who work together to help our kids buying their first cars, or moving them to college dorms, renovating their first homes, hosting their weddings or doing group vacations....

[Kat54]

You're completely right BeautifulCrazy, he isn't nice, and he's not normal. Not seeing or interacting with him for so long you almost forget. And I also must remember it usually takes less than a 5 minute conversation with him to bring that reality back.
The negativity in every conversation and always circling back to how anything and everything is somehow affecting him... ugh