When does the anger + hurt really go away?

[Relieved333]

Hi,

I hope everyone is trying to get through the fog as best as they can. I posted over the Summer about the passing of my mother. You all were so wonderful and I'm grateful. I'll try to post the link below.

Recap: Her wish was that I would never find out that she was ill nor about her death. My uNPD father and GC sister made sure of it and told both sides of the family not to tell. One relative finally told me the day after she died.

It was traumatic. Tons of emotions ranging from anger, shock, sadness and disbelief. They've done the unthinkable. I can't believe these people are actually my parents and sister.

My DH, children and I live far away, thankfully. My sister and father were beyond angry that I found out. My mom's side has disowned my father and sister because of an argument where a relative was treated badly by them. This was all unraveling and I had no idea.

A relative spoke to my father right before the argument. She told me my father said, "She should know her mother died. That's her daughter." Very nonchalantly, acting like what he(and she) did wasn't grotesque.

I am still in contact with my mom's side. Only a couple relatives on my dad's side. However, my uncle and aunt have stonewalled me. We've been in contact throughout the 4 years after I moved. I emailed and told him that I found out about my mother. I wrote a heartfelt email about her and her death. I never mentioned anything about him not telling me. He never responded. He usually emails on my bday but nothing.

My husband called my aunt and uncle to check in because it was strange they weren't getting back to me/us. Apparently, my aunt has been completely brainwashed. She said "You don't disown your parents! I wrote your wife a letter and ripped it up. Her mother(your MIL) sent Bday gifts to your children"! My DH responded "There are two sides to every story. My wife did respond to her parents in the beginning but they didn't reciprocated. They didn't put in the effort to make amends or call." My aunt responded, "Well, I didn't know she responded to her parents. But your wife was a stubborn child!" My DH said, "Her mother and father were verbally abusive and emotionally neglectful". And then they were beginning to ask questions, ie "what do you mean abusive"? He ended the call with, "you should speak to her personally about this".

Oh and she also said "I hope she reaches out to her father". They can't see the horrendous thing my parents have done.

They haven't called. I can't believe they are uninterested in hearing my side. My husband is telling me, why bother? They've done a cruel thing. But for some reason I want them to hear what really happened. How my parents put 100% of the blame on me , were never remorseful and didn't make an effort to show they cared.

I guess where I'm going with this is, my aunt and uncle are probably a lost cause, right? Their child, my cousin, never contacted me either.

Oh and my father began dating a family friend right after my mother died. He doesn't have many friends, but she was single. I'm sure my aunt/uncle and cousins think it's great even though my father is a monster. How can some people not see this?

I was doing much better but then at times the thought about what my parents did makes me want to vomit. Our friends and other family members are flabbergasted and can't  believe parents could do such an evil thing to their child. You know, normal people.

I get sad of course. The loss of a few family members. I mourn the loving relationship I never had with my parents(and sister). The death of my mother. I think about all the family photos, photos of myself as a child that I'll never see again. My children ask to see photos of me when I was younger. I tell them they're at Grandpa's and I don't know if you'll ever see them.

When does the anger, hurt and shock pass? 

Many thanks

https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=85289.0

 

[Boat Babe]

Hello Relieved. What an awful, cruel thing has been done to you. I understand your devastation. The level of malice is off the scale.

I don't have any advice other than to treat yourself very gently till the shock of this wears off. I am so glad you also have supportive family and friends. This too shall pass.

[daughter]

I posted my long saga several years ago, regarding my malevolent npd-enmeshed parents, my "princess" GC nsis, and me, the (formerly) "dutiful daughter", everyone's SG, overtly disfavored and openly disdained, who's now NC for 8+ years. Despite that backstory, I'm fine, I'm happy, and I'm relieved to no longer be burdened by my toxic family. And yes, the toxicity extends back at least two generations of bickering, bullying, and scapegoating.  So I hear you.

It helped to counsel myself, when experiencing these episodes of Big Bad Behavior by estranged family members, that I KNOW they're personality-disordered vindictive people who need to lash-out. It's their nature. And their incivility, attempts at cruelty, and unkind behaviors aren't accurate reflection of me, regardless how ugly they get. Likewise, Flying Monkey relatives may involve themselves, but not good counsel. Remind yourself that you are disengaged for good reason, and see this BBB episode as validation for maintaining your distance.

I don't believe in deathbed reconciliations, where the disordered parent acknowledges their past bad behavior, emotional harm, and/or responsibility for causing grounds for estrangement.  I've done my relative mourning for my parents' "emotional passing". Their bad behavior continues unabated, but buffered by my NC, with "news" filtered to me via my oldest adult-child who remains in nominal contact with them. They treat him poorly, but he tolerates it. Me, I'm also not likely to be notified by nsis or surviving parent. It comes with the territory.

That said, your situation is upsetting, because these folks remain vindictive even as they pass on, ever trying to lash out.  I discovered I was already secretly disinherited, before my NC, while I was still docile dutiful daughter. Can you imagine how hurt I'd be if I'd remained obediently engaged until the funerals? 

[My New Life]

I have been no contact with an aging parent for two years, and I am not sure she would want me to know when she passes.  It is so very hard.  No contact situations with a parent are sad, painful and tragic.  The fact that going no contact is the least painful of the options, is a pretty good indicator that things in the relationship were impossible.   That being said, your situation is very sad, and hurtful because it involves so many of your extended family. I do not have any answers for your specific situation.  I know that when I went no contact, I knew many people including family, would think ill of me.  I knew she would claim she did not know why I went no contact and that I was being hateful.  And the thing is, I no longer cared.  In the past, thoughts of others believing ill of me was enough to keep me entrapped in a very toxic situation.  When I let go of caring what people thought, I was finally free.  For me, I can not get involved in trying to clear my name.  Because that would pull me back in to the madness and I will not go back.