Excuses and the truth

[Hilltop]

Yep my inlaws are very similar.  Sometimes I think it is fear with them.  They can't live their own life, they can't make their own decisions, they need DH there.  They also do the helpless thing, I still remember them saying the remote control wasn't working and they handed it to DH to fix, he replaced the batteries.  This isn't normal.  I think its about control as well, they act helpless and DH feels guilty if he is not there all the time because look at them.  Meanwhile I see that MIL isn't as helpless as she appears. When no one is there she has been able to function just fine.  She can't manage to change batteries in her remote control but the other day could take herself by public transport into the city for a medical appointment with no help from anyone.  She found the correct building and rooms all by herself. So I really don't think she is as silly as she makes out.

So I think the helplessness definitely helps them get what they ultimately want which is control.  They want that attention and time and this is how they get it.  I don't think DH will ever see it, if she has been called out in the past the tears flow and DH feels awful. 

Personally I wouldn't want to live this way.

[Leonor]

Yeppity yep yep yep!

When fil was in the hospital having the time of his life mil got in a snit about feeling left out and locked herself in her own apartment, saying her knees hurt too much to visit.

DH got mad at one point because SIL didn't show up all day and he was going home to his wife and kids.

MIL, I kid you not, walked. three. miles. to the hospital with a cane to play the martyred mother and suffering wife.

The helpless control is totally their game. It is all about control and they are super capable.

I'm also tired of this cultural nonsense. What "culture" is this? @#$& culture?

Besides if it was such a fabulous culture our dh's would have married right back into it, so there!

Stay strong, classy Pepin!

[DesertRose]

My PDmil does this too and DH also sadly falls for a lot of it. She and pdFIL moved to a new house. PDmil says she doesn't know how to use the new oven so has stopped cooking and just uses the microwave. Basically she just doesn't want to cook anymore. Why not just say that instead of saying she can't use the oven bc she doesn't know how?

Playing stupid is a huge thing in my DH's family of origin. And they all mostly fall for or buy onto each other's "play stupid" tactics. PDMIL is also says she just can and doesn't know how to do lots of things which means other ppl have to take responsibility instead of her.

[Leonor]

Right! Like when they came to my house to "help" when I was about to have my third kid and I wound up doing *their* laundry because they "didn't know" how to use a washing machine? Or when they called my dh the morning my baby was born to say they weren't sure what the older kids are for breakfast and maybe they all could wait to eat until he was able to come home? THAT kind of playing stupid?

Oh Pepin, it is just awful. I'm so sorry, but know you really aren't mean or crazy or culturally insensitive. She's deranged and mean and petty, and that is all.

[Pepin]

Right! Like when they came to my house to "help" when I was about to have my third kid and I wound up doing *their* laundry because they "didn't know" how to use a washing machine? Or when they called my dh the morning my baby was born to say they weren't sure what the older kids are for breakfast and maybe they all could wait to eat until he was able to come home? THAT kind of playing stupid?

Oh Pepin, it is just awful. I'm so sorry, but know you really aren't mean or crazy or culturally insensitive. She's deranged and mean and petty, and that is all.

Leonor, yeah, that kind if stupid.     I am sorry you have had to deal with this, too.  How is it that people like that survive from DNA up until now?  If I behaved that way I'd be left on the side of the road....

[Pepin]

Yep my inlaws are very similar.  Sometimes I think it is fear with them.  They can't live their own life, they can't make their own decisions, they need DH there.  They also do the helpless thing, I still remember them saying the remote control wasn't working and they handed it to DH to fix, he replaced the batteries.  This isn't normal.  I think its about control as well, they act helpless and DH feels guilty if he is not there all the time because look at them.  Meanwhile I see that MIL isn't as helpless as she appears. When no one is there she has been able to function just fine.  She can't manage to change batteries in her remote control but the other day could take herself by public transport into the city for a medical appointment with no help from anyone.  She found the correct building and rooms all by herself. So I really don't think she is as silly as she makes out.

So I think the helplessness definitely helps them get what they ultimately want which is control.  They want that attention and time and this is how they get it.  I don't think DH will ever see it, if she has been called out in the past the tears flow and DH feels awful. 

Personally I wouldn't want to live this way.

What is it about remote controls and people like this?  I have no words for that level of helplessness.  Remote controls have been around since like the 80s?  As I just mentioned in the previous reply to Leonor, if I behaved that way I would be kicked to the curb by DH.  Maybe I should start playing dumb as an experiment and see how he reacts....ugh!  Also, if I ever made PDMil cry, I am sure DH would divorce me.  But it is ok for her to make me cry.   

[Pepin]

Yeppity yep yep yep!

When fil was in the hospital having the time of his life mil got in a snit about feeling left out and locked herself in her own apartment, saying her knees hurt too much to visit.

DH got mad at one point because SIL didn't show up all day and he was going home to his wife and kids.

MIL, I kid you not, walked. three. miles. to the hospital with a cane to play the martyred mother and suffering wife.

The helpless control is totally their game. It is all about control and they are super capable.

I'm also tired of this cultural nonsense. What "culture" is this? @#$& culture?

Besides if it was such a fabulous culture our dh's would have married right back into it, so there!

Stay strong, classy Pepin!

OMG!  The culture nonsense.  Seriously, things probably would have been A-OK for GC DH if DH had married within his culture.  But, HE didn't WANT to!  So, now Pepin's gonna pay the price because down the road DH feels guilty that his wife can't pander to DH's mommy the way a wife of their culture would!   

I'm fuming today, yes.  I'll ever forget when FIL was in the hospital before he passed.  PDmil was difficult about visiting him and got all whiney and said she couldn't do it!  Poor DH saw things he should have never have seen his father go through.  Dammit if it were my DH I'd be camped out in the hospital room like 24/7 and then in hospice until he passed.  I mean, wow, it is the man I married - why would I ever leave him alone while he was fighting for his life other than to shower, eat and use the bathroom?  UGH!  But no, poor PDmil had to make FIL's failing health about HER.  And she did the same when her sister's husband passed, too.  Horrible excuse of a human being.