Disrespect from Husband and Step Daughter?

[GoodPesto]

Dear Plain Jane's Son,

we never met but I read about your death via your mum. She shared with a quite tight online-community what happened and why and it seems like the whole forum is taking some time to take a few breaths after this devastating news.
We know, you know. Most here know how painful it is, we know the depth of the pain, how people can get under your skin, drive you crazy, make you lose hope. Most if not all are familiar with the devastating effects, are familiar with wanting to give up at least to some degree.
So although everyone had hoped you would not have to force yourself to do what happened, there is a general understanding of how it might have appeared that this is the only way to end the inner turmoil or torture.
There are no words to describe the loss your death is to your family. It is THE. WORST. nightmare. You probably could not see that or you saw it but your suffering was even bigger than the pain caused by your death.
Although we never met I am positive you were a great kid and I am sorry the world will not get to witness the man you would have become.
I am sorry this world s**ks so much that there are people running around that look like humans but are missing some of their basic qualities: a conscience and empathy. I am sorry this world s**ks so much that humans feel drawn to these type of 'humans', get sucked into their orbit and are being asked to fight very hard to leave. I am sorry these people hurt you so badly you found peace only in leaving this world. May your family be carried in this pitch-black time and may solace find them eventually.
Personally, I will take what happened to you as the most powerful reminder when I notice these kind of people and start doubting myself or that it could be really that bad. It's what you mother wants us to do, too and I think it would be a solid achievement if doubting would end for everyone for all times when unjustified.


___________________________________________________

Hi Plain Jane,

although this community is used to handling tough topics like maybe no other, what happened to you feels almost unrespondable to me to due to the depth of the tragedy. All in all I think it might take longer than usual to get a response but I hope you know you can come back here and share again if you feel like it or if it helps along your way of processing it all.
It seemed impossible to respond to you directly and I hope you are ok with the way I chose.
Should you be ready and willing to receive it, I'd be sending you strength and love.

[PlainJane]

hello GoodPesto

Thanks for your kind messages to myself and my son.

It seems crazy that one minute I'm dealing with an uBPD stepdaughter and a husband who just 'doesn't get what's going on"... to being told, this is abuse and your husband is playing a game and his daughter is a part of the plan ... to everything is ok and we are away from that all.... to actually it's not ok and then... worst possible outcome.

I now know he was suffering in silence. All of the help I did get him, whilst too little, to late... he didn't mention this abuse in his sessions. He didn't mention he was suicidal until right at the very end.   

He was a great kid... Empathetic, happy, positive, extroverted and always trying to help people in need. He had friends of all colours, creeds and religions... he even learnt some Arabic so he could understand his Muslim friend's prayers and language, even though he was a devout Christian. Overwhelmingly the biggest comment I get from after his death by his school friends, their parents and acquaintances is that if he ever saw someone sad, alone or in need... he would stop and try to comfort them, or just sit with them in silence and share music or ride the bus next to them without speaking. We've lost a little ray of sunshine who brought peace and joy to people's lives.

Thanks for reading. We are getting through this but will never ever get over it. Meanwhile "they" go on with their lives as happy as Larry. The uBPD daughter is now engaged to the love of her life and for the ex, a new job ...life's just a peach. I find this out as friends keep tabs on them to ensure they don't encroach on our lives in any shape or form.

I am only living to see justice. I am thankful I found his other ex and by telling her our story, she and her kids are safe too. If she ever thought about going back to him, she wont now. He reached out to her a few months ago when he found out she was getting a large inheritance and was trying to rekindle their relationship. This is what we are dealing with... a conman and his uBPD daughter. He's got a dark psychopathic personality so no wonder he and his daughter are a double act and work well together. I have decided it is time for the world to be made aware of this duo. I will try and find the fiancé and let him know what his uBPD fiancée has done and his FIL to be... Then he can decide. I will also try and find out if and when the Ex gets a new girlfriend that I find her to protect her and her possible kids from their harm as well.

Yes, the world sucks and bad things happen to good people.   

[GoodPesto]

Hi Plain Jane,

I hope you are doing alright considering the circumstances. I also hope you have at least one or two friends around you that you can lean on and who support you in this darkest of times. If not I hope there are some organisations close to you to reach out to when in need.
You mentioned these two are happy and maybe that's the case. From what I experienced though there is no happiness for people like this, but a never-ending greed for different material and immaterial things, so basically emptiness with happiness only on display. This may not ease the pain but maybe considering this makes it somewhat easier to not be eaten up on-top by this possible show-off of having a great life.

Just in case you are not able to see it right now, I kindly would like to point out that you may have two goals that might be contradicting each other or might need to be thought-through so that they won't. From what I understood you would like to keep these two people out of your life as much as possible, and preferably you do not want them to know what happened. Telling possible and ex-partners about what happend I think could work without jeapordizing the other goal, due to the still or again existing distance but once you're warning off the fiancé I fear the other goal could be threatened.

Your son sounds like a good-hearted, delicate kid. Your pain must be inmeasurable. I am so sorry.

[PlainJane]

Hi there

yes, I do see that they appear to contradict - however, they will find out when the coronial inquest is called - as I have detailed their involvement to the Coroner, in the deterioration of my son's mental health, which lead to his death. They will be called to testify before the court, I suspect. So they will find out and probably this year. It's more of how and when they find out - through means I can control or not... If it means protecting another person from their abuse, and they find out, then I have still assisted someone and it is worth it.

Thanks - he was a lovely kid... a gentle soul with a heart of gold.

[Lookin 2 B Free]

Oh, Plain Jane, I am so terribly sorry for your loss.  As the parent or a child who was traumatized when young in ways which were not revealed to me at the time, I remember the periods of despair and danger of grave self harm.  Your situation is so heartbreaking. Thank you for including information about your son and what others observed.  He had a heart of pure gold.  Think of how many young lives were lifted because of his compassion.  It sounds like he offered the world a great deal during his young life, and the world is better off now because of it.  I understand your mission to save others from this.  May you find all you need at this time.  🙏♥️

[GoodPesto]

Hi Plain Jane,

hoping to not overstep and out of experience in legal matters with PDs, I'd like to encourage you on the one hand to take good care and wear your best armour around the whole process, because from what you described one could expect beyond-imagination nastiness to "defend". On the other hand there does not seem to be a way to hurt you any more and you might as well be already invincible without any self-protective messures. You got this.
I like to believe you have an army of angels around you for this endavour.

[PlainJane]

Thanks to you both...

I cannot have another person suffer at the hands of this family - the enmeshed uBPD adult daughter and the abuser ex-husband. Its all I can do to prevent more suffering, agony and potential deaths. It's given me purpose. I have also worked with the local politicians to strengthen the law and change the legislation to mean that people like this can and will be held to account when abuse results in a death (manslaughter, murder, or suicide), and no get out of jail free card due to minor mental health grounds. The bar for mental health in the bill I am working to introduce is very high and reflects current community standards, which means proving a person was beyond understanding or taking responsibility for their actions. This would be only those people with significant impairment or severe mental health conditions can apply to have the case referred under those mental health grounds. I am sick and tired of seeing people who use their mental health condition as grounds for hurting others (to their death in this case) and being able to walk away from it all with an excuse. Mental health explains their feelings and behaviours but should not absolve them from criminal liability when they know exactly what they are doing.

That's so true - I am invincible as there is nothing they can do that hurts me anymore. They've already done it. Thanks so much - I feel I have my angels helping me guide my path and I'm preparing for the inevitable time where I may have to face them in court. I am getting counselling and PTSD EMDR therapy in order to be strong enough to look them in the face with nothing but my inner rage projecting silently from me as an aura for them to feel the guilt, the shame, the sheer magnitude of what they've done to us. I'll let the courts do the rest, and perhaps asking the karma fairies to do what the courts don't. 


 

[hhaw]

PlainJane..... I'm so sorry you lost your son. Working towards holding, the ex/sd, accountable....and to perhaps limit future harm they do, sounds therapeutic.

FYI, there's message boards on FB called "Are We Dating The Same Guy" one can share info about bad men....to let other women know to avoid them.

 Not sure what other boards are called, but very much worth checking out, IME. 

You apply, and there's a process to check you out....make sure you aren't a bad man trying to infiltrate.

My heart breaks for your loss,
((PJ.)) It's true ...
"What doesn't kill us makes us stronger."

I wish you the best possible outcome, in your quest for justice.  All you can do is your best, then turn back to the joy in front of you.

[doglady]

So terribly sorry to hear about your beautiful son, PJ. There's nothing worse. He will undoubtedly live on in beautiful memories of all those who knew and loved him.

As for your ex and his daughter, I very much hope you succeed in your purpose.

[hhaw]

::Sending Plain Jane strength, resilience, and fire to bring what justice is possible::.

You don't have to earn rest.

Do what you can, then put the story down, ((Plain Jane.))

[PlainJane]

Thanks to you to all.

The state legislation is going through its consultation phase and will protect vulnerable people from abuse - both online and in person. Still no signs of a coronial inquest this year, which is disappointing.

The therapy has been amazing and we are getting to a good place again.

The Ex's ex-girlfriend (after me) is now a close friend - we have bonded over our escape from that family and the terrible traumas they put us and our kids through. She too will ensure that no other person is hurt by that family and it's so sad to hear her story being an almost identical MO to our story. He even took her to "our favorite restaurant" where we got married and didn't tell her we were married there... so it became "their favorite place". What kind of psychopath does that? She didn't even get her own experiences, just my experiences repackaged. He said almost identical words and sentences when trying to con her into handing over her money to support him, his adult daughter and his (my) house and business. It's so shocking he's kept the same methods when trying to exploit women.

Anyway - she is lovely and we are stronger together in our understanding and will keep on working towards keeping other women and their children free of this family. 

[hhaw]

((PlainJane))

I'm so happy to read your update.... happy you found a helpful Therapist.....
happy your ex's girlfriend listened, and got out,
sans getting defensive. 
That's pretty amazing.....
pretty rare, IME too.

How special, to come out fighting...to get stronger together.....to work towards protecting others.

I pray the coronial inquest is successful....please let it happen soon.

::sending you strength, and calm::.