Free at last ! Free at last !!

[alphaomega]

Well here it is.

The day where we celebrate females who have offspring.

And the sickeningly sweet, over the top, constant in-your-facebook-face, of how "amazing they are, and how lucky we are, and how blessed they are, and how they try to emulate them EVERYDAY". 

And I'm just sitting here all pissed and bitter. 

"My mother taught me about compassion and kindness first and formost".

You wanna know what my mother taught ME ? 

She taught me evil exists.


She taught me to never feel safe, 
or capable of making myself feel safe,

She taught me everyone was jealous of me
And no one was to ever be trusted.

She taught me how to judge people, seek their real motives, find their greatest weakness and exploit the hell out of that.
She taught me how to devalue people just because of their job, or socioeconomic status, their skin color and their race.

She taught me how to elevate myself to queen status with sparkly expensive things and that people would bow down to fancy labels.

She taught me what to do to not have friends and family.
And how they weren't good enough anyway.

She taught me how to insult, divide, fight, punch at the air, and how to be exceptionally alone.  And lonely.

She taught me money above everything, and that was your keys to the kingdom.  Money and power, power and money. 
And those were the only two things worth EVER having and fighting for.

She taught me how to self sabotage, self harm, feel like a helpless child even in adulthood.

And, truth is, I think one day she might have even taught me her evil spells that could actually kill people, had I seemed like I was even remotely a viable candidate...

But she saw me as soft, weak, and a pushover, so I never got taught how to truly control people and manipulate them.

She taught me every gift comes with strings, a "contract" if you will, where the recipient is now permanently indebted to you, for eternity. 
Kinda like signing on the dotted line for the takeover of your soul...

And the larger the gift, the greater the hold over you.   The greater the mind control, and now your soul control.

I know, for absolute certain, my mother dealt with the darkness.  Sometimes the mask would slip and she would mess up her plan. 
For instance, once when she was particularily mad at me for going on a trip without her, she was pulling all of her illness cards, and accidentally texted me this:

Her - How are you my darling ? are you having a wonderful time ?  You sooooo deserve it...
Me-  Yes ! I'm really relaxing and healing down here, it's been so nice.
Her -  ((((silence)))   
Her - Well I'm so glad you are doing SO WELL !  Are you sick at all ?  You know how you always get sick.  You are feeling OK?
Me -  Yes, doing really really good.  Thanks.

A few hours later, while I was shopping, my nose started to bleed.  This would happen from time to time when she was on the warpath.
Then comes the text I think she meant to send to the other woman that she would put hexes on people with.

Her - (spider emogy)  I think I finally figured out how to do the right one !  (devil emogy)

So, there you have it.

"What I Learned in Motherhood School".

Precisely how NOT to be a mother...

Fuck this day.

[moglow]

I dove off into estranged children forums this morning, because mother's day. I had to crawl out of the pit I've been in and went looking for a good ladder. This one whacked me right back to reality and I guess I was meant to share it with you: https://medium.com/inkmend/why-i-distrust-parents-of-estranged-children-d4cf3d3e6c34.

Peace. And happy Sunday.

[alphaomega]

((((((MOGLOW))))))

Thank you.  EXACTLY what I needed to hear.  Exactly.

Thanks for sharing your ladder....

[moglow]

Hang on to it and refer back as needed - even a few steps out of the muck is better than in. Condensed version:

"... Poor thing, they don't know why their child cut them out. But due to their response, I felt like I knew why and they knew why too.

"I have no idea what I've done wrong!"

Pretending you don't know is what you have done wrong. Pushing your children to break a really strong bond is what you have done wrong. Not learning from this and taking accountability to what you have done wrong. And the most hurtful part if that you haven't learned a thing. You continue to put your ego first by spreading your version of events rather than listening to the pain of your children. That is what you've done wrong." PREACH it, sister!!

[bostonbound]

I am happy for you!  It must be a great feeling to know that you don't have to deal with this stuff anymore.

Considering how "sick' he's been all his life, my dad is a powerhouse at 80.  For someone who was always sick and on the couch he certainly has a lot of energy to unload on both my sibling and myself.  Right now my sibling is taking the brunt of it.

[alphaomega]

Hi everybody

Wanted to pop in and share my most recent update regarding my current circumstances:

NPDM will have been out of my life forever for 6 months 8/13/21. 

Since she died I have :

Been sober from alcohol for 51 days
Been sober from weed for 51 days
Havent smoked a single cigarette for 51 days
Havent taken a xanax for a month

My life is beyond the most beautiful it has ever been, and the only thing that has changed is she is dead.

Gosh do I ever wish I would have found the power to do this without that having to be the case, but I never did.

She would always drill into my head "YOURE GONNA MISS ME WHEN IM GONE !!"

So far, not a single second...

[Andeza]

I'm very happy for you! And, for what it's worth, proud of you as well. Seems odd to be proud of a stranger on the internet, but there it is. I will continue to have you in my thoughts, and send well-wishes and good vibes your way, alphaomega.

[moglow]

That kinda makes me laugh and cry at the same time, ya know? Very proud for you - and sad that's what it took. Blessings, friend!

[SunnyMeadow]

My life is beyond the most beautiful it has ever been, and the only thing that has changed is she is dead.

I'm so happy for you! I'm glad you're feeling freedom and light. I think about you from time to time and wonder how thing are going, now that you are on the Other Side. I'm thrilled to read that it's as good as I imagine it to be.

Keep posting updates. I love to read that there's light at the end of this awful tunnel.

[alphaomega]

I did something really amazingly challenging this weekend.

Went to my favorite venue (outdoor concert/picnic-y/free pass to drink all the wines while everyone around you is also putting away bottles and bottles) and did it with barely a scruff of a craving.

The music was Tchaikovsky 1812 Overture played by the Symphony, a favorite of Independence Days all over the country.
It wasnt the first time I had attended this over the years, but it was the first time I did it completely unencumbered. The last time I had brought my mother because this song had a special meaning to us.

After my sister died, my parents and I had gone on a vacation (read: trying to escape the unbearable pain). I had planned a special moment for us on this trip - as I was always overcompensating to try to be enough for them. Trying to live as both of their daughters left me confused and, well, pretty much constantly drunk of course.

I had brought my tape recorder (it was the 80's  and my recording of this song. And while the sun was setting, I blared it , and it brought us all to tears.
I distinctly remember that being one of the most special moments the 3 of us ever had after her death.

Last night, the music once again brought me to tears. Streaming down my face tears. Kinda like what the memory is doing to me now...

In addition to that karmic purge, I also had to walk realllllllly far from the parking area, with about 50lbs in a wagon down a pebble path. Easily a mile each way. Through a forest area to get to the venue.

As I was walking, I was thinking about the irony.
Of lugging the wagon, filled with everyones "stuff" they wanted at the venue to make it comfortable for them. Several times, the others who I was with offered to pull it. But I didnt want to let it go.

I wanted to feel the weight, the strain, the pull, the burden. Something about pulling that wagon was cathartic for me. It was so ******* heavy. And it was so hot out. But I just pushed and pushed and pushed.

I did that.
I did that sober.

My almost 52 year old body felt strong. Fierce. Invincible. I could have gone forever. I could not get over how physically strong I felt.

75 days clean in my rearview mirror.

What a way to celebrate my freedom...

__________________
~ The soul would rather fail at its own life, than succeed at someone else's. ~ David Whyte

[blacksheep7]

Good for you Alphaomega!  That sure is a tough challenge to face and you did it.

It's so nice to read about your freedom.  Even though I am nc with M, I'm still waiting cause I'm sure it feel good to have COMPLETE FREEDOM.  She lives in the same neighbourhood so it's like she's still lurking in the background.

[SunnyMeadow]

My mother is lurking in the background too, even if I was full NC she'd still be there sending novel length emails and actual letters to my mailbox. COMPLETE freedom is when I can fully relax and enjoy my life.

AO--Congratulations! Enjoy all you've accomplished! 

[Sneezy]

My almost 52 year old body felt strong. Fierce. Invincible. I could have gone forever. I could not get over how physically strong I felt.

75 days clean in my rearview mirror.

What a way to celebrate my freedom...

I'm so happy for you - your strength and joy is radiating through and out of this post.  Hugs, Hugs, and more Hugs to you 

[Adria]

AlphaOmega,

I'm so sorry for what you have lived.  I have lived something similar, but it was my father who was the narc.  My mother enabled.  My mother passed away several years ago, and yes, she lied about me and then some to cover for my father and my evil sisters.  When she passed, nobody told me. I found out later.  But, I was relieved, but devastated by the betrayal of not one family member telling me my mother passed away.  I am still relieved, and as sad as it is to say, it will be even more of a relief when my father is gone.

I am a loving caring, kind person who can't even believe I would say such things, but that is what they bring you too.  You will come out of this a more beautiful person than you would have been not living this experience, because you are very smart, wise and compassionate and will know exactly what to do with your experiences to be a light to all who come across your path.   

Your story is tragic, but you write beautifully.  I couldn't help thinking while reading all your posts that you should gather them up and put them in a book so others can relate.  Thank you for writing.  You are so strong.  I wish you all the best. Hugs, Adria

[WonderGirl]

Thank you, AlphaOmega, for this amazing gift of your story of survival and redemption.

[Hazel Eyes]

I lost my NPD+ father this past weekend. I wish I had found this thread sooner. It has been a helpful read. 

I am just getting started on this road of him being gone, and I am so glad I am not alone in my feelings. Here's my link to the post I made a couple of days ago.

https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=89284.0

[nanotech]

I'm sending love, hugs and lots of support.
I'm in awe of you for coping with one single day of that. You've been in a bloody battlefield all of your life.
It's time to be you, and to have the life you always deserved.