how to stop feeling emotionally responsible?

[Johncoop]

My bpd father has recently moved out of the family home due to exhaustion with his constant distressed state.

However, I can't help but feel guilty. I still feel emotionally responsible for him and worry that he is okay. I can no longer be his carer/counsellor and live with the constant worry. I can no longer walk on eggshells and not express how we really feel. I no longer want to feel the burden of his effect on my life, but I can't help but feel responsible for him as he is my dad. How do I stop feeling responsible and live my own life?

[Boat Babe]

You do it in stages and quite slowly at first. If, like me, you have a strong codependency streak, dynamic people pleasing skills and a core wound of loneliness and fear of abandonment,  that's your focus. 

So start with some lovely self care for yourself. Good food and sleep hygiene. Exercise outdoors and cut back on booze etc. That's a flying start. If you can afford Therapy, I highly recommend it. Two years if therapy back when I was in my early thirties turned my life around. Mind/body practices like yoga, tai chi and martial arts are incredibly helpful, as us dancing in the kitchen. Self compassion meditation and practices soothe a troubled heart and there are many free resources out there. And talk to us here. I have been on this forum for about two years and it's the best place on the internet imo!

That's plenty to be getting on with! Sending hugs and strength.

[Cat of the Canals]

How do I stop feeling responsible and live my own life?

Congrats on putting yourself and your family first. It's a hard step to take.

When I was having similar feelings, some wise person in this forum laid it out for me: I have my life. My mother has hers. If she is unhappy or unsatisfied, that is HER responsibility. And the same goes for me. But I'd been brainwashed into thinking that when my mother is upset or has a problem, it's my job to fix it. But she's a grown adult. Her problems and emotions are hers to deal with, not mine. (Especially not when she can't be bothered to ever express her feelings or needs in words, but only in guilt trips and waifing.)

[Hilltop]

You aren't emotionally responsible for other people's emotions.  You simply aren't.  Your father is responsible for taking care of his own emotional health. 

For me I knew there were issues for years and I looked into it a little bit but it's only been the past year I have really started a lot of action to move past this and find a better way to live with it.

I started with acknowledging what the problem was and that wasn't easy for me to see, so I read a ton of different books and each one had a little bit of information, most had a lot of information which made sense.  I could finally see how bad the dynamic was.  I also saw that I can't change them, just like you can't change your fathers depression.  Once I could understand and accept it I was then able to move on to looking into ways for me to heal, which is really just me stopping that inner voice that repeats that message that its my fault etc.  I am still working on that and now moving into how I want to live my life, what will bring my life joy and where do they fit in my life, if at all.  Its not a nice easy ride and I go up and down along the way but making progress, I don't feel as much guilt as I use to, in fact I don't often feel guilty any more.

There are a ton of youtube video's, audiobooks, kindle and heaps of suggestions on book reviews in this forum.  For me I had to break down the belief that my FOO was normal.  You have it ingrained in you that you have to be a caregiver so perhaps some youtube video's on co-dependency may be useful.  I think if you can't fully accept that that caregiver role is not fair to you and not your obligation that your guilt will bring you right back into it.  Once you can really accept your dad's emotions are not your responsibility the rest will follow.

[Socialsunshine]

I think this is so common and something I struggle with as well. It's hard when you're a caring person because in a healthy relationship you could offer support AND still be your own person. When dealing with a PD you have to be so guarded, even when giving compassion sometimes because it can start a co-dependency cycle. But for people who are genuinely kind and compassionate, it feels counterintuitive and so much decision fatigue thinking through every interaction. But ultimately knowing that you are responsible for you, they are responsible for them.

[Cat of the Canals]

It's hard when you're a caring person because in a healthy relationship you could offer support AND still be your own person. When dealing with a PD you have to be so guarded, even when giving compassion sometimes because it can start a co-dependency cycle.

This a really great way to put it.