Do you ever feel like pretending

[Lilyloo]

Odd question I know! I do tho often second guess myself that if I would have just pretended there would not be this silly worry. The grip she has on me is insane on my part. How can I think this way, yet it is a question I dwell on.  I recently stood up to my mother, in a calm, but firm way, but she blew up at me. I did not want to go get things of my late grandmothers because I have no room for clutter, plus did not want to see my mother.

She messaged my husband complaining about me and told him to tell me to come get things that were grandmas.  I really got irritated that she was messaging my husband. I told her to message me, not him. Oh yes, that set her off, plus I told her I have no room for more things. She is a hoarder and will not even take things to goodwill. I'm total opposite. I love neatness and organization.

I have some things of my grandmothers already.  My mind keeps going to why didn't I just pretend and go. I know this is not good for me, but now she will give me dirty looks, and be nasty , say for instance if stepdad passes, (he is not well)
and I go to his services. I see now that I am afraid of her. 67 years old and afraid of her, how sad and embarrassed I am to admit it! 

I fear her. I see her frown at me or yes, even say something mean. I even fear in her funeral service she will write something nasty. I know I am not making sense and being very anxiety ridden for no reason.  Its like I am 6 years old and fearing punishment.  My brothers baby her, they'd rather just take all of her abuse and control. She's living with one of them. I'm sure that's going well

She told me "I won't be bothering you in emails, face book or anywhere. I should be jumping for joy, yet my mind won't stop saying 'why didn't you just pretend .. What is wrong with me. I feel like a coward, a doormat for even going to that thought.

I'm glad I told her what I thought and want some peace. I don't know how to find it. Thank you this is the only place I can go to for advice.  This sounds like a very confusing post. I am so confused myself at my thoughts

[SunnyMeadow]

I understand the fear of her LindaLoo. I have that too. I fear what she will say about me, the letters she will write to me and about me. It's terrible. She's a mean, cantankerous, awful woman and no one likes her. Her new, sweet next door neighbor found out how ridiculous my mother is and is now distancing herself from uNPDm. Smart woman...stay away!! 

I do a lot of pretending and biting my tongue but there are times that anger takes over. Maybe anger would be good for you. Feel anger that she messaged your husband to get you to do your daughterly duty, feel anger she wants you to jump fast and get these items. Internal anger somehow gives me strength to deal with her. I say to myself, who do you think you are? Nobody likes you and you dare treat me badly...the only one who bothers with you?! It keeps me strong and I don't cave to her when I feel my anger.

I know this part would backfire but I would LOVE to give her back those dirty looks. To treat her like she treats me would give me satisfaction, even though it would cause WWIII. I think you took a big step by saying no to the stuff. I am proud that you did that instead of pretending this time. You simply said what any other grown adult would say who didn't need any items for their house. It's ok to say no and it's too bad your mother doesn't understand it. If she had asked a neighbor and they said no, it wouldn't be that big of a deal. But somehow you are supposed to want and need grandma's stuff. Doesn't always work that way and too bad for your mother. She can just get over it already. 

What you have going for you....siblings!! And siblings who baby her! I wish so badly that I had that. Then my uNPDm would leave me alone. She's soak up the attention from brothers and not bother me. You can fade into the background.

As for the "I won't be bothering you in email, facebook or anywhere". Classic guilt trip, instead of feeling that guilt how about relief? Another way to think about it...YES!! No more emails or book length fb posts!  Enjoy the quiet! I hope you can feel good about the step you took by saying NO. You didn't do anything wrong. Your mother is wrong and since she didn't get her way, she's cranky like a big fussy, tantrum throwing toddler.

Another saying I keep in my head when dealing with PDm is "I only want good and easy going relationships in my life". I really don't want to waste my time with nonsense like my mother spews. I only have so many years left, so she's fading into the background while I strengthen the calm and good relationships in my life.

[moglow]

LindaLoo, many many times I just have to say to myself: Do not engage. Do not engage. DO NOT ENGAGE.

It's not worth the fallout. I get that she's upset and doesn't understand because she's caught in her own loop, but you/I can't fix that for her. My explanations only lead to more questions and BUT WHYYYYYYY like I'm talking to a five year old.

Just keep reminding yourself that actions have consequences. And remember that the pretending is what got us where we are now - having to face the gorgon and do what has to be done for our own well-being.

[Sneezy]

No one can push our buttons like our parents can.  Because they created those buttons.  Doesn't matter if you're 6 or 26 or 66 - those buttons are still there.  Don't feel guilty or ashamed, instead be proud of yourself for seeing the truth about your mother and celebrate every time you are true to yourself and maintain your boundaries.  And give yourself grace when she breaks through your boundaries and gets to the buttons - it happens sometimes.

As far as the stuff, hold your ground.  Who needs or wants more stuff???  Both my mother and my MIL have tried to guilt me into taking more of their stuff.  Much of it has been packed away and I've never seen it until they suddenly announce that it's a "family heirloom" that I now must bring into my home and find room for.  Nope.  This is where you need to take a good Marie Kondo look at the stuff.  If whatever it is doesn't make you feel good, bring back a good memory for you, or give you joy, then very politely say "oh mom, it's lovely, but unfortunately I have nowhere to put it.  I'm sure someone else in the family would appreciate it, though."  Ok, if you can't say that with a straight face, don't    But seriously, don't let anyone foist their stuff off onto you.  The days where everyone had a collection (it was ashtrays for my (non-smoking) mother, ceramic pigs for my MIL) are long gone and life is too short to be dusting other people's tchotchkes.

[Lilyloo]

Thank you everyone so much! I will write more tomorrow.  Everything each of you said was so helpful.  I so much appreciate it

[Hilltop]

Lindaloo you didn't even say anything bad, you simply asked her to contact you and message you.  That's a fair thing to ask for.  You said you couldn't take any more items, that's ok, perhaps someone else in the family may want it.  Again its a normal and fair response.

Does it matter if she is angry with you?  It feels bad at the moment but if you take a couple of days I bet it starts feeling a little better.  If your mother wants to sulk and she says she won't contact you, ok then.  Let her have her space to calm down.  If your mother doesn't handle emotions very well then perhaps she needs this down time.  Let her have it, without feeling guilty or bad about it.  If your mother is upset because you asked a really reasonable question, again its on her. 

Do you think it's reasonable to ask her to message you?  Do you think its ok to refuse to take items you don't need?  I would say this is a normal reasonable thing to do.  So ok, let your mother have her space and she will contact you when she is ready.  You really don't need to accept those items but if its an issue, take them and throw them out or donate them.

Simply don't engage.  What contact do you want?  Don't react to the fact that she doesn't email or go on Facebook, she is trying to get a reaction from you.  Just contact her the next time you feel like it and act like everything is normal.  If she says something mean simply say "Oh someone is at the door, I have to go".  Then say bye and hang up.  Or enjoy the peace and quiet until she is ready to talk.  Really how many PD's can stay away, not many, soon enough she will want contact and will reach out.

Until then deep breaths, go for walks and enjoy the peace.

[Lilyloo]

SunnyMeadow, I am so sorry you are alone in this. I can't even imagine dealing with my mother alone.  My brothers aren't any support to me tho, they say 'shes our mom'  My middle brother, age 60 only has her living with him because he has no job and I'm positive shes paying half his rent. The youngest, well hes a good guy who lets mothers pity party get to him. Its such a dysfunctional family.

Like your mothers new neighbor, everybody (except mothers friends who are just like her) have caught on.  The neighbor sure is a smart woman!!  Me too SunnyMeadow, like you said I'd love to give the dirty looks right back. Odd thing is if it were anyone but our mothers, I suspect we would. Thank you so much!  So very helpful!

Sneezy, I probably would go look thru grandmas things, if I didn't have to be near my mother! I think that's my issue. I truly don't have room, but I'd make a space for a couple of things.  The thought of her being mean to me sets fear into me. The last few years anytime we took her to doctor appointments she raged about something. I stopped taking her. My husband always went and he had enough too. So I admit it's mostly fearing her that I don't go. Thank you so much! 

moglow, Yes, do not engage! I must keep saying this!  It's been hard to stand up and set boundaries. It seems that is what sets her off.  I just decided she was not going to keep bothering my husband. It truly is like talking to a child, but I am convinced my mother knows exactly what shes doing.  My mother has been mean for so long. I could say it's her age that's made her childish, but this is not true. So true, pretending all those years did get us here!  Thank you so much! So very helpful!

Hilltop,  So true, I did nothing bad. I told myself, for instance, if I had items and ask my daughter to come get them, and she said no, she had no room, I would have respected her decision. My mother is a controlling mean person. Yes, I do think it was fine to ask her to message me and not my husband. I wish all the 'if's didn't pop in my head, but I know  it's just from years of her controlling and it takes time to get past it. Thank you so much!  So very helpful! 

I must tell all of you that I feel the stress ease up with each kind and helpful reply. It's like having sisters to talk too.. I only have brothers. They are country boys who believe momma is momma, no matter what   Bless each of you and have a happy Saturday! I hope it's warm there. We are in a very snowy cold and cloudy time. Oh how I want Springtime

[moglow]

Linda, I got that from my brothers too, until she turned on them. A few well chosen performances where she felt too comfortable and they were DONE pandering to her.

She's currently blaming me for the oldest not talking to her, conveniently forgetting and denying the final incident that brought that about. ALL her doing, we weren't even there when it unfolded but she blamed us then attacked older brother for her baseless meltdown. She picked the wrong target - I understand it didnt end well and I'm honestly not sure he's talked to her other than random texts since. But it's MY fault ... Yeah.
Similar situation with my youngest brother just a year ago. He'd always made excuses for her, said I needed to be the bigger person etc. She smacked down on him, shut him out for no reason. Now he gets it, likely won't be back around other than for her funeral.

Sometimes it takes a hard dose of reality for those dots to connect, is what I'm saying.

[Lilyloo]

Moglow,  Very true!!  I'm just waiting to hear she's snapped on them. She has before but they took it. Oh how mean that your mother is blaming you  :. I just will never understand, but I'm getting to old to try anymore. They certainly pit one against the other. I am so glad your brothers see now.  I'm sorry shes blaming you.  Same old nasty stuff they spew!!