Social media

[Heavyhat]

Not quite sure what to do here:

updBM has communicated to SO that I am not to post any photos of SD on social media. She cited safety and that she had recently watched 'The Social Dilemma.' OK, fine, I can respect that.

But here's the thing, she only made that rule after I posted a bday tribute to SD that included a sweet photo of us hugging with her baby brother. A lot of people liked the photo and commented.
(I don't have an obscene number of followers, but maybe 100 people liked the photo. So it was admittedly seen by a lot of friends and family - which I guess is the point right?) Also, she has not made that demand or request of anybody else, so grandparents and friends continue to post photos of her with no comment about it from BM.

To me this says 'I don't want anybody knowing you and SD have a good relationship because it contradicts my narrative of you being a horrible person.' It does not seem to be about safety or her daughter's welfare whatsoever. Also, if I continue to post photos of my other kids and never of SD it will appear that she is never with us ....which is quite possibly what BM has in mind.

So here's what I did, I set my page to private and continue to post whatever content I want.

What would you do?

[eyesopen]

You did exactly what I would do. You saw right through her request for what it was and handled it appropriately.

Making it private or blocking her won't succeed entirely if she's persistent (based on my experience, I laughed a bit typing "if"). She'll find ways around that, like asking other friends or family to send her screenshots of your posts. The same friends/family with whom she shares her narrative about you. Keep living your life, being yourself, and don't let her attempts at manipulation get to you.

[pushit]

I wouldn't change a thing.  Don't even set your account to private.  Let her bark, and ignore it.  If she's not saying anything to others about posting pics of SD, she is showing her hypocrisy and that you are the target.  I'm being blunt here, but I've found the best way to get a PD to back off is to ignore them or force them to take it a step further.

My exPDw behaves in a similar manner.  She always needs to look like the better and more caring parent.  She does it in subtle ways that no one can really point a finger at.  We get an email from a therapist, she waits for me to reply first and then disagrees with what I said and expresses why she has some great concern about something that me and my kiddo have no clue about.  But, she comes across as involved and caring, even if it's nonsensical.  That's just one example out of hundreds.  The funny thing I've noticed over time is that while her behavior can frustrate me, I've realized that she is scrambling to protect the narrative that she is the better parent.  I think you are spot on, updBM doesn't want you showing anyone you are a good person.  The key is to not take it personally, it threatens BM since it breaks down the narrative she has created.

I usually approach things with a two step decision making process.  Step 1 - Do I think my decision is appropriate for the kids?  (eg, letting them watch a certain movie, letting them go to the park and play without me there...of course both would be no-no's if I asked exPDw for permission)  Step 2 - How would the courts view it if she really tried to make something of it?  If my decision passes both of those steps, I don't give a hoot about what my exPDw might say.  My ex has tried to criticize my decisions in the past, I've gone as far as to tell her to contact her lawyer if she thinks my parenting is not adequate.  That quieted things down real quick.  It's a tough bridge to cross, but if you can get your mind to a place where you trust yourself and don't worry about what the other person might say, life gets better and you become a better parent for your kid.

In my opinion, here is your situation:  Step 1 - Posting pictures of SD on FB is no problem (in appropriate amounts and with no info about them of course)  Step 2 - It's legal to post pictures on FB, the courts likely won't care unless it gives away identifying info about SD or is inappropriate.  So, I say post away...

[Penny Lane]

My advice is to block her on every platform in addition to locking it down so only friends can see what you post. It is very inappropriate that she's monitoring your social media. And yes I agree that if she was really concerned about SD's privacy she would be worried about what everyone posts, not just you. This is about appearances to other people and the fact that SHE doesn't like seeing SD happy with you.

You'll still probably have to end up where pushit says - blocking is not a failsafe, and she will try to find ways to see what you're posting. You still have to post with the understanding that she might be able to see what you are saying. But I have never regretted blocking BM (done before I ever met the kids, and neither DH nor I posts pictures of the kids on social media anyway).

Really I think the question is what your SO wants and how he responded to her. Ideally the response would be "if you want to make changes about how SD gets referenced on social media, we should have a bigger picture discussion about how everyone posts" or simply "no that doesn't work for us, heavyhat is part of the family just like (grandparents) and (friends). Are you planning to stop posting pictures of SD?" If he made some sort of agreement with her though, I think either you should live by it or he should send a note that says he thought about it more and that's not something he can agree to.

[Heavyhat]

Thanks everybody. I appreciate you so much.
SO did ask her if she planned to stop posting photos as well and she said no, so it's just plain as day what her motive is.
She also threw in some pure gold gaslighting at the end of the email saying "I have never criticized your (SO's) parenting." Hahahaha!! Is it still considered gaslighting if there are hundreds of examples of written evidence to the contrary, or is it just straight up delusion at that point?