Building a New Life

[My New Life]

Hi,

After a lifetime of self-doubt, counseling to find out what was wrong with me, and dealing with a toxic relationship with a parent, and in many ways, with both parents; I read the article "Raised by a Narcissist? 11 Things for You to Do Right Now."  And my world stopped.

Everything I had struggled with:  the enmeshment, guilt, shame, embarrassment, the entitlement to every aspect of my life, the FURY when access was denied, my enabling father, my roles as golden child, scapegoat, and flying monkey (yes, sometimes I got sucked in), everything suddenly fit into this greater context.  It was an "Ah Ha Moment" that kicked off a domino effect of "Ah Ha's" of an entire lifetime.  My life made sense.  My family was generic to most other Narcissistic families.  I was not alone.

That was less than two years ago.  I read everything I could on narcissistic parents. I saw the patterns I had tried to break with that parent for decades.  I went NC with my mother 3 months after reading the article, which was a year after realizing that staying in the relationship would literally kill me.  Yes, even after realizing that my own survival was dependent upon leaving the relationship, I could not leave it, until receiving validation from an article about narcissism.   You do not abandon aging parents.  Instead I went into kidney failure and a kidney transplant.  It is not lost on me, that I spent a lifetime trying to detox another person and my detox organ failed.  With this new kidney comes a new opportunity for life.  I will not waste it.

While there are aspects of going NC that are liberating, it is a daily struggle.  Especially at 4 am before my defenses are up.  I dream of a healthy relationship, even though I know that will never happen.  I mourn the fact, that although this person is very sick, I am not able to help her without destroying myself. 

I am joining this group, as a way of connecting with others to whom I do not have to explain the unexplainable.

Thanks,
My New Life

[Boat Babe]

A couple of useful sayings:

Don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.
Not my circus, not my monkeys


And the three C's
I didn't cause it. I I can't cure it. I can't control it. (I think that's right)

Welcome to this sane and compassionate forum where we support each other to survive and thrive.

[My New Life]

Thanks, Boat Babe!
Love the first one about not setting yourself on fire to keep another person warm!  Pretty sure I am going to steal that one to deal with the 4am demons:)