I feel defeated right now

[Honey_B]

I am 48 years old and have since my childhood been the scapegoat in a triangle with my PD mother and GC younger sister. My father died when I was young. Over the years I had many struggles with especially my mother, she is a covert narcissist with some malignant tendencies. She is highly manipulative and almost every word out of her mouth is a lie, even for things it makes no sense to lie about.

My GC sister has been manipulated over the years into an exact copy of my mother, however, she was always better at controlling herself (until now) so for a while it was tolerable to have a low contact relationship with her.

Ever since Covid lockdowns started in March 2020, things have just exploded
My mother has gone from bad to worse. She is completely obsessed with QAnon conspiracies and rages against everyone who do not agree with her. She disowned me in November last year, accusing me of stealing money from her. She was so nasty, accusing me of not taking care of my son, being stupid, ignorant, fat, irresponsible. Her rage against me was unbelievable! She turned into a monster right before my eyes, it was like something out of a horror movie.

And then she sent me a text message that she did not want me in her life anymore and that she would make sure "everyone would know the truth about me". I was shocked to be discarded by my mother like that. Shocked that she by discarding me, also discarded her only grandchild. How can anyone do that??!

Well, that was in November last year, now the already frail relationship I have with my sister, seems to be going down the same path. My sister is copying my mother in everything; mannerisms, speech patterns, beliefs, personality and she explodes in rages whenever things do not go her way.

Last night the bomb dropped. Apparently my sister is into the same conspiracy cults that mother is into. She told me that I was stupid and ignorant because I believed the pandemic actually exists. She insists that Covid is an experiment the government is conducting and that no one is actually sick or dying from this disease. I told her how my best friend who is a doctor, was seeing hundreds of Covid patients daily but her response was that "all doctors are being paid to pretend Covid exists".

Again, everything she said was spiced with passive-aggressive attacks like; "you need to educate yourself", "do some research", "you are killing your son if you vaccinate him", "I thought you were smarter than to believe what the media tells you" and so on. Covert attacks, one after the other...

I am starting to think that for the sake of my own mental health, I can probably not have a relationship with my sister either. I will need to go NC with her because she is just too messed up and have so many fleas from my mother, that even LC relationship is not possible anymore.

It makes me feel totally defeated. I am a single mother, my sons dad was never in the picture and if I also go NC with my sister, I have no family at all. Nothing. I have some good friends which I cherish, but the thought of being completely without family scares me.

Deep inside, I know what I have to do. I just don't know how to tell my son (he is 9) that we are now without family. I know it will break his heart. Although, he did not have a close relationship with my sister or his grandmother, he did care for them and I shielded him against their crazyness, so he has never seen how mad they really are.

I am just soooo tired and sad

[Jolie40]

so sorry HoneyB for the sadness in your life

it's good to keep unhealthy people away from children

we (you and me) need to find healthy neighbors, friends, school parents who have children to help fill the missing humans in our child's lives

chosen people can become the family we need

[Hilltop]

HoneyB I would say stop talking to your sister about anything COVID related, vaccines, doctors just stop talking about everything however her behaviours probably won't stop there.  Even with your mother she accused you of stealing.  Unfortunately they really aren't that healthy to be around.

I understand I am NC with my FOO which is my parents and sister and it feels sad to move forward with no family but people here talk about creating FOC and that is much more important.

Surround yourself with people that you know are supportive and caring and that will be so much healthier for your son.

I imagine you are deeply hurt by being discarded by your mother.  I do wonder if your sister will go that way as well but part of me wonders if they will want that link to you still open, PD's work that way.  So it may have to be you that makes the decision to distance yourself from your sister.  Supportive friends can fill that role with your son and honestly it will be so much better for him.

[M0009803]

I am 48 years old and have since my childhood been the scapegoat in a triangle with my PD mother and GC younger sister. My father died when I was young. Over the years I had many struggles with especially my mother, she is a covert narcissist with some malignant tendencies. She is highly manipulative and almost every word out of her mouth is a lie, even for things it makes no sense to lie about.

My GC sister has been manipulated over the years into an exact copy of my mother, however, she was always better at controlling herself (until now) so for a while it was tolerable to have a low contact relationship with her.

Ever since Covid lockdowns started in March 2020, things have just exploded
My mother has gone from bad to worse. She is completely obsessed with QAnon conspiracies and rages against everyone who do not agree with her. She disowned me in November last year, accusing me of stealing money from her. She was so nasty, accusing me of not taking care of my son, being stupid, ignorant, fat, irresponsible. Her rage against me was unbelievable! She turned into a monster right before my eyes, it was like something out of a horror movie.

And then she sent me a text message that she did not want me in her life anymore and that she would make sure "everyone would know the truth about me". I was shocked to be discarded by my mother like that. Shocked that she by discarding me, also discarded her only grandchild. How can anyone do that??!

Well, that was in November last year, now the already frail relationship I have with my sister, seems to be going down the same path. My sister is copying my mother in everything; mannerisms, speech patterns, beliefs, personality and she explodes in rages whenever things do not go her way.

Last night the bomb dropped. Apparently my sister is into the same conspiracy cults that mother is into. She told me that I was stupid and ignorant because I believed the pandemic actually exists. She insists that Covid is an experiment the government is conducting and that no one is actually sick or dying from this disease. I told her how my best friend who is a doctor, was seeing hundreds of Covid patients daily but her response was that "all doctors are being paid to pretend Covid exists".

Again, everything she said was spiced with passive-aggressive attacks like; "you need to educate yourself", "do some research", "you are killing your son if you vaccinate him", "I thought you were smarter than to believe what the media tells you" and so on. Covert attacks, one after the other...

I am starting to think that for the sake of my own mental health, I can probably not have a relationship with my sister either. I will need to go NC with her because she is just too messed up and have so many fleas from my mother, that even LC relationship is not possible anymore.

It makes me feel totally defeated. I am a single mother, my sons dad was never in the picture and if I also go NC with my sister, I have no family at all. Nothing. I have some good friends which I cherish, but the thought of being completely without family scares me.

Deep inside, I know what I have to do. I just don't know how to tell my son (he is 9) that we are now without family. I know it will break his heart. Although, he did not have a close relationship with my sister or his grandmother, he did care for them and I shielded him against their crazyness, so he has never seen how mad they really are.

I am just soooo tired and sad

You need to walk away from them both.  What they are doing response-wise, is classic passive-aggressive conspiracy theorist behavior.

The more you try to challenge/convince them that their views are "wrong", the more they will dig in.

Walk away.  The sooner, the better.

[Honey_B]

You need to walk away from them both.  What they are doing response-wise, is classic passive-aggressive conspiracy theorist behavior.

The more you try to challenge/convince them that their views are "wrong", the more they will dig in.

Walk away.  The sooner, the better.

Thank you for your responses. And yes, I need to walk away from my sister too, I realize that. She is at least as toxic as my mother.

Today I contacted a therapist who knows my story (I went to sessions with her 4-5 years ago) and she knows about personality disorders. I need to gather some strength and have support because it seems really scary to be completely without family. I also worry what kind of smear campaign both my mother and sister will start, because they will want to trash me in any way they can 

[notrightinthehead]

Good choice! Strengthen yourself! and think of it this way: as you clean your life from toxic people you make space and have energy for healthy people. Like a house clean - take out what you don't want anymore and make space for something good, shiny, something that gives you joy instead of grief!

[zak]

I'm NC with all of my FOO apart from one brother so I understand the grief and loss of essentially having no family. For me it was the only way to survive as we have multiple intergenerational PD's in my family and I was the Scapegoat. The relentless chaos, gaslighting, bullying can only continue if they have you on the dance floor. If you go NC it may escalate for a bit and then they'll go quiet probably. You're focus is your own mental health and that of your precious boy.

We might think our children are not aware of the toxicity of those relationships but in my experience they really are. I was well into my 50's before my son, then 25 told me how much he disliked my uNPDm and how he wished I'd stop seeing her as he was sad watching how damaging it was for me.

I've been NC with them all for 6 years now and it's a much calmer, healthier and life-giving place than before. You can't change how they relate to the world, that responsibility rests with them. You can only change how much real estate you are prepared to give them in your life and that's ultimately up to you. I went NC after years of medium and then low contact.

And in the end, nature hates a void - if you create space in your life for better people, you may well find better people will come along :-)

[daughter]

You do your son a favor by disengaging from people who treat you with disdain and disrespect.  Kids see the emotional abuse that occurs in their families, and unfortunately learn to both accept it, and tolerate such mannerisms. My kids saw my npd-parents and only sib, GC nsis, behave in inconsiderate and overbearing manner towards me, SG "dutiful daughter", and to lesser degree, to DH, and flagged it to me: "mommy, why is grandma so mean to you?", and "mommy, why don't your parents like you?"  From a 7 year-old, it's an eye-opener.

[AlisonWonder]

It is scary and hard to "have no family", I find it feels like having a terminal illness as it forces you to consider the future all the time.
I would never have guessed how it feels.

That being said, sometimes you have no choice, just like with the illness.  Three things I have learned though

1. Some cousins etc may talk to you.  Perhaps this too will fall over, but it's so nice to have contact with someone who
has known you a long time.  It may be someone your PD person does not value.  Let's hope so.  Don't flaunt it.

2. Having no family forces you to notice, appreciate and value the normal people around you, and being more in touch with them,
changes you and begins to heal your fleas. 

3. Not mentally rehearsing upcoming conversations with your PD relatives, this changes the way you think.  I think this
is huge.  You can think about what you like, and what you want to do.  This is something they can't do.