A trigger-driving!

[Call Me Cordelia]

I want to learn to calm down behind the wheel. I'm not a bad driver, really. I just still have my overly critical father's voice in my head. It's quieter than it was, but if I make a minor mistake driving that inner critic gets . I'm so angry about this tonight. I needed to try again parallel parking, and then I bumped the curb. I was in the car alone and I still felt so embarrassed.

My father was such an asshole it's a miracle I'm able to drive at all. Learning to drive was the perfect opportunity to verbally abuse me. I was trapped, and if I wanted my license I had no choice but to put up with it. The very first time I went for a lesson with him, we were in an empty parking lot. I was to start and stop just to get the feel of the accelerator and brakes. No sooner did I put on the gas... "What the hell are you doing?!?!? You just plowed straight through ALL THOSE INVISIBLE CARS!"

I'm not kidding. Invisible cars. Nobody ever told me about invisible cars. But I should have known there were cars, that's why they put the lines on the ground. I said you told me to accelerate, and I did.

NOT INTO INVISIBLE CARS! If you're going to talk back to me this lesson is OVER.

Good. You have nothing to teach me. The next time there's something from you that doesn't exist, I'm going to feel free to ignore it. Like the feeling of shame that comes from being a human being and not doing everything absolutely perfectly every time.

[TwentyTwenty]

I'm sorry you're going through this. Ass h@les are everywhere, and unfortunately they are parents in some cases.

For myself, personally I have worked on ways to negate their attacks on my self worth through my life.

So, what if you totaled the car tomorrow? Wiped it out completely, not just scratched a rim? Your insurance would cover it, you'd get another car, and no one would give a sh!t about it except for a narcissist score-keeping ass that desperately needs to find yet another thing to devalue your life so they can feel better about themselves.

Everyone spills a glass of milk sometimes. So what? Normal people do not pounce on any imagined or real event to assault your self worth.

Feel good about yourself regardless of these things that our attackers have tried to permanently place under our skin. Even if you totaled your car, if that's the worst thing that happens to you this year, then I'd say you've made out very well.

Hoping for the best for you!

[Thru the Rain]

What a difficult and painful memory for you. And it have it attached to something as ordinary as driving a car, so you get a regular reminder of the abuse. I feel so bad for you!

Maybe check out something like a race car experience, or a defensive driving course, or a performance driving course. Something fun that might take the place of your F's negative voice in your head, and also give you more confidence in your driving.

[Associate of Daniel]

I'm sorry... but.. invisible cars??!!???
What on earth?

Sounds like something from a Pixar movie and conjurs up all sorts of comical imaginings.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this, Call Me Cordelia.

Unfortunately cars/driving can trigger some very difficult memories for many of us as who have/had pds in our lives.

My experiences were not nearly as bad as yours, thankfully.  I've found it helpful to shift my reaction from "how dare he?" to "I'm so thankful he's no longer in the car with me these days."  I can take as long as I like and as many goes as I need to do xyz. (Drive here, park there)

You'll get there.

AOD

[Hepatica]

Perhaps silly, but whatever works I guess.

If I start noticing attacking inner voices, I envision Gandalf (Lord of the RIngs) and when they are in the cave and he's pounding his staff and shouting, "You shall not pass. YOU SHALL NOT PASS HERE!!!" I say it over and over in my mind until the negative thoughts slither back to where they came from.. (my parents.)

It really helps.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Thank you all for your compassion. I can see now how not normal it is. And truly I've gotten better... for years I would feel close to panic every time I had to merge onto a highway.

20/20 I really appreciate you putting it in that perspective. If someone I cared about had an accident and totaled the car, I would only be concerned that they were ok, and then I wouldn't think much of it. It wouldn't occur to me to put blame and shame on them. Giving myself that same grace is a learning process.

Thru the Rain, yes I think this is such a persistent trigger because of the duration and intensity of this particular abuse, and the everyday experience of the trigger. It took me two years to actually get my license, in part because I failed the first time which made the abuse so much worse, and we went driving just me and dad almost every weekend. Because he was such a dedicated dad.  It never occurred to me that driving could be fun!

AOD yeah I like focusing on the "I'm free now!"

And Hepatica, LOTR is my favorite. I did do what Gandalf said to the fellowship: "Run, you fools!" 

[SparkStillLit]

Well, thanks, you guys. Now I'm going to be doing all kinds of LotR things to the inner critic people in my head!!!
Also Monty Python. I fart in your general direction! Now go away or I shall taunt you again!

[Cat of the Canals]

Thank you all for your compassion. I can see now how not normal it is. And truly I've gotten better... for years I would feel close to panic every time I had to merge onto a highway.

Maybe it's "not normal" compared to those who haven't suffered through this type of abuse. But you have.

When my husband was fifteen and learning to drive, his mother started raging at him from the passenger seat. He panicked, pulled to the shoulder, and got hit by someone trying to pass on the right. It was just a fender bender, but he's never driven again.

I think all of us here probably have these mostly hidden pockets of ultra-sensitivity. Things that are small to most people but for us, they put us right back to that place of feeling small and helpless and humiliated.

[Duck]

I love Gandalf when he says, "You shall not pass!" I should envision that more often.

My OCPD father was an awful teacher of driving and angry in the car. My younger sister decided to wait to learn to drive until she grew up.

[SparkStillLit]

Updh was/is not a patient teacher of anything, and now-YA chose to learn driving with me after a giant meltdown. Other kid seems more ok with it.
My dad, who must have been the enabler/codeoendent in our house, was very patient and quiet with me in the car, whereas pdmum screamed and fought with me and it was HORRIBLE.
Oh, and I will not drive with updh in the car unless he's physically incapable. He's insufferable.

[carrots]

Maybe it's "not normal" compared to those who haven't suffered through this type of abuse. But you have.

I'm sorry you went through that Call Me Cordelia. "Invisible cars"?? Good on you for driving in spite of all you went through, and good on you for reducing your panic over time. I failed my first test over parallel parking. I hated parallel parking.

My Inner Critic can be pretty loud. It has quietened down since I've been doing tapping/EFT, e.g. "I accept and love myself even though I didn't manage to park" / "..... even though I got annoyed at that other road-user" or whatever.

I hadn't realised learning to drive and then driving was a such a trigger for other people, but I guess I should have realised.

When my husband was fifteen and learning to drive, his mother started raging at him from the passenger seat. He panicked, pulled to the shoulder, and got hit by someone trying to pass on the right. It was just a fender bender, but he's never driven again.

Something similar happened to me though not quite as bad. I was so nervous driving as a learner with M that I hit the curb twice on the way down a steep curvy hill. Fortunately the tire didn't blow and I managed to keep driving and not have an accident, though I'm not sure how. I didn't pass my test after weeks and weeks of practice and didn't try again for about 5 years. I did pass then but I haven't driven since. I never really wanted to drive, just got my license so everybody would shut up about me not having one. But I think not wanting to drive came from years of being belittled about my ability to do more or less anything and from the narcs in FOO being really capable drivers, but also impatient and critical of others on the road. So I was always frightened that everybody on the road was going to be impatient about and critical of me and just the idea of that was way too much for my more or less complete lack of self-esteem back then.

I cycle most places now. Parking is much easier