Just need to vent a bit

OddFamily · February 21, 2021, 11:43:38 PM

So a very bumpy day with grandma. It's becoming clear that cognitively she's getting fuzzy. Every month now trouble balancing her checkbook. Has had a late charge on an account. Getting her meds mixed up more than once. This isn't an out of the blue thing and has been starting to get more noticeable. My grandpa had Alzheimers, so we've seen how it can manifest and why you don't want to be in denial. She's thinking she'll have hip replacement in 2 months and be able to live by herself again, not going to happen with cognitive decline.
But with her queen waif thing going on, this is going to be ugly. She won't consider assisted living because she's too attached to her house/furniture and doesn't want to downsize. She doesn't want anyone who's not my mom to serve her. Her affairs are not in order as the main beneficiary of her will is dead and not all her accounts have beneficiaries named.
I get it that her PD is running the show and an aging PD is not pretty, I want to drop the rope as it won't be pretty. I want to lower contact further than the semi mandated weekly dinners without causing WWIII with my mom for 2 reasons. She's not going to be happy, I can hear her objections now: Grandma's lonely (yeah, but you can't make her socialize, she will sit in a corner if she does go to an event or not go at all), she needs company( see previous comment), she wants to see you (I don't want to see her), you have to make allowances she's old (and where's that boundary). To crib from a coworker: fill in the blank is not an excuse for bad behavior.
Secondly, and unrelated, my dad will start spouting off oh covid isn't that bad and I nearly go ballistic. He knows it's a sore spot and he keeps provoking. He knows what I do, I am the one who has held practitioners as they fell apart. I've cried with them, prayed with them, celebrated with them, welcomed them into my office for venting and a quiet spot to nap. I've sewed up rips in shoddy isolation gowns over and over again. I've been working lots of extra time to ensure the small offices have the supplies they need. But no, it's 'not that bad, the government did the wrong thing locking stuff down'. The virus doesn't have a face for him. It has faces for me.

Sneezy · February 22, 2021, 09:36:54 AM

Quote from: OddFamily on February 21, 2021, 11:43:38 PM
I get it that her PD is running the show and an aging PD is not pretty

No, an aging PD is not pretty. It could get worse and worse as time goes on. You are wise to keep your boundaries up, even if it causes some tension with your parents. I suspect that I am close in age to your parents and I know how tough it is to deal with an aging PD parent. And I am guilty of sometimes asking my adult children to give Grandma a call to cheer her up. But Grandma is not their problem and I know that. And you need to know that your grandmother is not your problem, she really isn't. This is certainly tough on your parents, but you are free to help or not help as you can, it's totally up to you. Do not be guilted into taking on responsibility that is not yours, especially given that you have a stressful job. When your grandmother passes, her estate will be a mess but your parents will handle that just fine. Many people die without a will and it all gets settled in the end. It's a pain in the neck, but it's workable.

Sneezy · February 22, 2021, 10:29:58 AM

As far as your father and covid, that is tough. But I have come to the conclusion that we all get to educate ourselves and then make decisions for ourselves. So DH and I have decided, for example, that we will only go to a restaurant if we can sit outside to eat. This has annoyed some of our friends and relatives. DH's brother actually called him a "scaredy-cat" in a family text. I mean, since when does one adult man call another man a "scaredy-cat?" Anyway, that's fine with us. We have made our decisions and that's our boundary and that's that.

You know your truth. And it is true, whether your father believes it or not. You won't change his mind and please don't let his blusterings impact your boundaries. You get to make your own choices. If he doesn't like it, that's his problem. It's so hard, but try not to let him get to you. It sounds like he may be someone who enjoys getting into a fight, so don't give him the pleasure.

Take care!

OddFamily · February 28, 2021, 11:28:06 PM

Thanks Sneezy.
Got dragged to another family dinner, dad didn't bring up the virus once. He did start talking about how one of the local cities who had a pattern of corrupt officials were all from a certain party, mom and I both looked at him and said some version of "Zip it" at the same time. Mom disagrees with him on politics but is better than I am about tuning him out. She's had more practice, it's not my strong suit.
Today no waifing, hermiting, or queening from grandma. I was shocked, she can act not like an energy vampire.