Boundaries and phone calls

[Sheppane]

Hi CatoftheCanals
Boundaries and phonecalls - really relate to this. Firstly I am very sorry for your loss and glad you have reached out here for support. I relate to all that is written above. Especially the gaps between calls where I feel I need to make contact,  and the fear around it when I do. For me there is a lot underlying that- fear of conflict, fear of anger , fear of shame / rejection but also a fear that I will be unable to manage/ take care of myself in the moment.
My experience with phonecalls is that they can be a minefield and when text messaging is in the mix also the whole situation can become trying to navigate.
Boundaries for me with phonecalls look like a few things 1. Checking my motivation for calling - if out of fear / obligation / guilt, then no. That can feel very difficult at times, as it feels like the call will " soothe" the guilt , or obligation. I now have come to see this as delusional thinking on my part as if I call with any of those motivations it seems to in some unconscious way play in to it and outcome is often not good for me. 2. How am I feeling ? Like really, how am I feeling. Tired / exhausted/ upset/ angry - any of those then I need to be taking care of ME.
3. Time limit - difficult to enforce but I do my best depending on the relationship. Maybe 30 mins. For me an hour is too long. I can get subtly triggered / aggravated without knowing and it builds up in me and emerges a day later. This means needing key phrases to end the call.
4. Always initiating ? Or expect reciprocity ? This is a hard one too for sure. If I don't initiate , I don't hear from my FOO. Yet I get blamed for lack of contact ( its insane - no one calls me - and its my fault ! Gaslighting ? I guess) . Right now I call on an interval I feel comfortable with. I dont expect to hear from anyone . If I do .....I pause and remember I dont have to take the call and can return it when I feel in a good place and able to take care of myself.
5  I can remove myself from a call at any stage if needed - listen to my body
6 usual boundaries in place - so things like I will not tolerate gaslighting/ silent treatment/ nitpicking or basically any other form of abuse. ( I really need to see it in the moment, otherwise I continue to stay in there,  allowing it and not JADEing so I need to know my bottom line there of when I'm " out").
Just a few suggestions that have worked for me. Great thread, thanks for posting.

[Cat of the Canals]

[We will expose ourselves to their messages and respond on a fixed cadence, and at a fixed time of day in some cases.

This is a great one. I'm slowly getting better at the part about exposing myself to the message. If something comes in late at night or before/during work, I am learning to leave it until another time. I take care of my needs first, and sometimes that means not even checking to see if there IS a message until I'm ready.

Sheppane, thank you so much for your list. The time limit is something I absolutely need to work on. I always let her go on and on until she's talked herself out. I think I might start setting the oven timer when she calls.