NC and have gotten condolences about EnDad's passing from a cousin's spouse...

[DfromC]

Hi all,
I've been a member for about 6 years and still lurk occasionally but haven't posted in some time. I got a message on Facebook yesterday from my cousin's spouse (who I am not friends with) expressing condolences on my EnDad's passing. I have been NC with BpdMom and EnDad for about 3 years and have had big pushback from my only sister causing VLC and some NC with her too. I have worked hard on finding me and learning my thoughts and feelings and taking care of me during this time and the healing has been life changing. I still have far to go and my sister has been trying to connect since January and I haven't responded. She texted again last night saying i need to contact her.
It's been fascinating having an awareness of my thoughts and body since the FB message yesterday. I have moments of numbness. I have moments of sadness and tears. I have moments of regret and the self doubt and deprecation that the NC was/is my fault... but I know deep down it isn't. I was me finally having boundaries and standing up for me. I have moments of anger that I have found out from a cousin's husband rather than from my mom or sister.. it's so big and heavy to deal with.
I have no where else to share this story and fear what others would have to say given the NC so thank you for reading my story so far. I'd appreciate any words of wisdom to help maneuver through this trying time.

[Leonor]

 

[SunnyMeadow]

I'm sorry your dad passed and this was the way you found out. I wish I had words of wisdom for you DfromC.  I think a good thing to do is to keep protecting yourself and take the time to grieve as you need to. Will you connect with your sister? If so, be on guard to end the call or block texts if you feel feel unsafe.

Boundaries are so important for us and my boundaries slip when I am in contact with certain people. Stay strong and keep posting here.

[Dandelion]

Keep going GfromC.  There are helpful words and lots of love and understanding here on this forum.  Let the grief flow and stay strong.  You have the wisdom deep down to cope with this.  Take care xxx

More hugs

[Sidney37]

I am so sorry to read that this was how you received the news.  Take the time to grieve in whatever way is right for you.   There is no wrong way.  Take good care of yourself during this stressful time.   

[chowder]

DfromC,

I, too, learned through the grapevine about my mother's passing.  I had been NC with BPDmom and ENdad ever since BPDmom disparaged my H.  And there never was any relationship with S. 

When M died, S called an aunt, putting her up to letting me know.  After aunt did so, however, she realized that it should have been told to me firsthand and didn't like doing S' work and enabling her avoidance.  So aunt told S she didn't reach me, and that S would have to call me directly.  By that time I knew anyway, and S' tone was very stilted and cold - certainly not humbling, as one might think, given the circumstance of just us two daughters experiencing our mom's death.   

I was not part of any of the arrangements, and felt like an outsider.  After much thought and deep-diving into the soul, I did not attend the service, because I would not go to my own mother's funeral as a guest.
I am still, to this day, okay with that decision.   My aunt supported me in that - she didn't go, either - having seen what I had done for my parents over the years, and subsequently on the flip side what I had been subjected to.

To find out the way you did, says more about them than it does about you.  If the tables were turned, I would still call a family member and do the right thing and tell them directly.   Certain things just warrant that.  Over the years S had played various games which I saw through, and this just sealed it.  Later she tried sending me sentimental photos of M via a FedEx package, which I promptly sent back without opening.  I knew by that time, wholeheartedly, that if she can't call to tell me about my own mother's death, there is nothing on this planet that would warrant her contacting me about anything else, no less with a FedEx urgent package overnight.

That being said - this is all about you now.   You will go through emotions that are new and unknown and hard to describe.  That's okay.  Let them come, and wherever you are in the healing process is okay.
Friends may not understand.  Only you know what you went through and your justified reasons for going NC.   Be gentle and easy with yourself.

As time went on, a nice memory or two of M would sneak in from years ago ... which at first felt as if I would be betraying myself if I let down the guard and enjoyed the moment.  Then eventually I would let the memory come, acknowledge it, and could separate the good from the bad.  As time continues on, I can accurately distinguish what was good and what was undoubtedly the reason/s for going NC, and can live comfortably with both. 

As an aside, S' husband passed a few years ago, which I learned from a mutual friend on FB.   Then S' brother-in-law passed, which I actually learned from a TV broadcast.   These are two gentlemen with whom I enjoyed a very nice relationship, despite the issues with my FOO.  It all felt so weird and definitely took time to process.

When my aforementioned aunt passed, she had made out a will with all the nieces' and nephews' names, leaving us various gifts.  Guess who was named, and had to speak to the attorneys for purposes of probate, but was the only one on the list to see that she got absolutely nothing?   S.    My aunt had a sense of fairness about her, and I think that was her way of sending a message, though it took 30 years.   

DfromC, it may not feel like it at times, but you will come through, wiser about both yourself and others.  You have been doing a lot of work on you.  You are in tune with your feelings.  You are healing and moving forward.   Be true to yourself.    You will get through this.  You will be okay.

If you do connect with S, remember your boundaries and all the hard work you've done.

Please post when you have an update, we are here for you.  {{hugs}}

[DfromC]

Thank you all for your hugs and thoughts Leonor and all! They are comforting and  truly appreciated.

SunnyMeadow - yes i have now already been in contact with my sister via text only so far. I'm still in the very early stages of being able to state my boundaries and it's much easier to slip with her when the old patterns come back so I appreciate your words of encouragement and to post here.

Dandelion - thank you for the reminder that I have wisdom deep down to cope.

Sidney37 - thank you for the reminder that there is no wrong way.

chowder - Words cannot express how grateful I am that you shared your story. It brought me to tears and helped me feel seen and not so alone. Some of the similarities are uncanny! I am so sorry that you had to go through what you did. So far I haven't been asked to be a part of the arrangements and I too am leaning towards not attending the service  - although with Covid the numbers allowed in person will be limited and if it's an online affair - that will require more thought. I lived at least 45 years of my life thinking everything they did said something about me and how terrible I was and it's only in the past few years that I realize it says more about them. Thank you for that massive reminder though as it had again slipped my mind. Once again S already turned the tables on me and said it was my fault they didn't call because I did not express what i wanted when asked in the past. S has been playing games up until now too. And thank you for telling me its all about me now. I appreciate hearing how things went for you in the time healing after.

The newest update is that I have received another message on Facebook messenger from somebody I don't recognize but with my mom's maiden name saying she got an email from my mom and she was sorry about by dad and she was to inform some other very extended family and could I give her my mom's mailing address to pass along... well guess what? my mom and dad moved 2 years ago and the queen of fancy return labels stopped putting labels on anything she has sent and they never shared their address with me.. there is a part of me that really wants to shove that in my sister's face.. but would that be too rude??? and my mom can email far off cousins but can't let me know.. I will add even though we are essentially NC i have not said they can't contact me - they decided that themselves and then when they have contacts me which is few and far between... the messages are about what an awful person I am and how I could be donig this and then the next message I'm told how loved I am and how I should reach out and they are so sad I haven't... now I'm rambling but it's just so infuriating.. Thanks for listening.

[Call Me Cordelia]

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. You certainly are not alone... dysfunctional families never let a crisis go to waste. Birth, death, it’s all fair game as an excuse to dish out more abuse.

A couple of thoughts... that lady who you never met asking for your mother’s mailing address....  I’m sorry, but what?? If she got an email from your mother, she’s in communication with her and can ask her for her address. The lady may not mean any harm, but really that is so not your problem. I understand how it would drag up that hurt about how you don’t know your mother’s address. Those kind of games really are very hurtful.

And that’s what I see your mother and sister doing. Taking any opportunity to scapegoat you, especially since you’ve given them far fewer opportunities. I say well done. This behavior validated your decision to lower contact.

You certainly are not alone in experiences like this around the death of a family member. My grandmother died a year into my own NCwith my parents. I got a voicemail from an uncle I barely knew, who must have gotten my number from uPDdad, saying to call if I “care” to know the details for the service. If his objective was to let me know, he could have easily said date, time, and location on the voicemail. Nope. I get the carrot dangled again. DH got an email similarly suspiciously low on actual information from another family member. I didn’t take the bait of those shenanigans. Fortunately I know how to use Google. That insider information is publicly available. The obituary too. It felt terrible at the time but long term it’s a gift that they gave me more proof of what I already knew about my FOO, and confirmed that nothing had changed.

We really do reap what we sow. That was really apparent to me in the case of my grandmother’s death. She was a major enabler too. She’d been used and abused her whole life, and now even her death was an impetus for more of the same. It’s sick. I can honor her best by learning from her and doing better, even if it means painful and lonely choices.

Take care of yourself DfromC.

[chowder]

Spot on,  Cordelia.

D from C, with that lady wanting the address, she could very well have been put up to that by your M.  It sounds like something my M would do, engaging others to splash around in the mud with her.  She tried it with her sister (aforementioned aunt) on another topic involving me, until aunt finally told M, "That's not the chowder I know, and I'm going to call her directly and find out."  And she did.  And it was one of the best phone calls I had, and so validating, that to this day I proudly talk about how aunt had the courage and independence to not get caught up in M's smear campaign.  Later in life M ridiculously asked me to cut off all contact with this aunt, and of course I said no.  Oh, but M didn't really ask me - she put my D up to it.  Natch.

The lady asking for your mother's address is being manipulated, knowingly or unknowingly.   It could open the door for more hurt for you from someone who doesn't know all the circumstances (or perhaps just one side, even worse).  There could be comments and guilt trips, etc.   And she's putting you on the spot.  I would be careful about responding to the address request.

Speaking of game-playing with deaths in the family ... one more ... my M called me one day about a relative who sometimes was in the news about his work.  This was on S' inlaw's side.  M chirps to me on the phone one day in a cheery voice, "Oh, there's an interesting article in today's paper about John."  I was interested and perked up, and said, "Oh, really?  Where?"

"The obits."

I kid you not.  This woman was a master manipulator, with people, with emotions...by this time, the services were well under way, the funeral was the next day, and I could not attend due to work commitments.  I also didn't appreciate the way I was told by M, the way I wasn't told by S (I had driven her in-laws to her home many times for the holidays and done many favors), and decided to pay respects in my own private way.

S calls me soon thereafter, on her high horse about me not coming to the wake/funeral, etc.   (She can call to scold me, but not to advise of the death in the first place, right?)

I responded, Did you know how I found out?  She said yes.  I said, And you did nothing to right it?  Then I told her that my paying respects for John was something between me and God.

Sorry to vent, it just came to mind when thinking of not letting a death go to waste as an opportunity for them to try to inflict abuse, hurt and punishment.  As time goes on, the pattern becomes oh-so-clear.   It's sad that they have all that stuff inside them,  with the ability and desire to inflict harm upon others, no less family members.

DfromC, you are not alone.   It's disgraceful for people to act this way.   Be glad that you are "on to it."  Be attuned to spotting the bait and games.  You are doing great so far.   Stay strong.

[DfromC]

Thanks CallMeCordelia and chowder once again.

Today's quick update: So I'd asked for details on how he died and was told it might be easier by phone or would I prefer text. I said I preferred text and 2 days later still no info. I had already said I would like the details about the service when asked and now the carrot has been dangled again.. there will not be a service, just a viewing on a certain day and if I'd like the place and time to please let them know. So far there has not been any info online that I can find myself..

[moglow]

I'm so sorry, DfromC, such an awful unfeeling way for things to be handled. And even now - if there's just a viewing or visitation, just tell you when and where that is. There's no need for this folderol they're creating. Yes, arrangements take time and planning and may not be complete, but they should tell you that too.

A few years ago my favorite aunt was in town (had been sick and not visited fir quite some time), mother told me all about what a nice visit "all the girls" had with her - after she left. Aunt M wasn't even told I worked within a mile of where she was staying, I could easily have spent an evening, taken her to dinner or whatever, but no. Mother never mentioned it. Nothing was said until after the fact. Aunt M passed away within the next year, mother wouldn't give me her daughter's contact information, not even an address so I could sent a card or flowers. THEN they held a graveside service at the old family cemetery and no one told me. Mother jealously guarded all information, wouldn't share anything. I don't even know my cousin's last name! SO much hurt there, I'm sure my cousin must think I'm awful - or maybe she long since saw through mother, who knows. I just think it's horribly sad that some can't step up even at times like this, accept what's offered and simply do the right thing.

I am so sorry. Know you're not alone and we're here with you.

[Yael924]

Dude, your sister sucks!

It's just the relentless meanness of it that takes your breath away.

But she can't stop the "heads I win, tails you loose" games. She knows that you are hurting, and she is right there with the salt, lemon juice and vinegar to rub into the wound.

She'll make sure that you don't have the correct information, all the while making you grasp and grovel for it.

Bless your heart for putting yourself through it again. I'm sorry for your losses. Sending positive vibes you way.

[DfromC]

Thanks moglow and Yael 924 for your words.

Yael924 - you made me laugh when you said "Dude your sister sucks"! 
And it reminded me that 2 years ago you also referred to her "Sheeshable " and I've never forgotten that term!  "(Can you Sheesh in a text? This lady is seriously Sheeshable)"

So here we are 5 days after I've asked and still no details shared to me. I questioned why I had to ask for details a second time when I had already asked for them and the reply was maybe a phone would be better. So then I had to restate the boundary that I only wanted to text at this time. I finally got a short reply with a place and time for the viewing. That's happening today and I will not be attending. I have decided I don't need that for closure with him and I don't need to put myself in harms way near bpdM and S and whatever other extended family are there. It's still a very heavy day and I'm trying to feel the feelings and not drown. So thankful to be able to share things here.

[Dandelion]

From what some posters have added, it reminds me, the word that occurred to me was "exclusion" - around bereavements and funerals.  It's as if you, or your feelings, don't really count or matter in the scheme of things.  I don't know, hard to explain.  I had something akin to this when my dear grandmother died.

I am glad you finally got some information. I can understand how it must have indeed been a heavy day DfromC, Keep going.

[chowder]

DfromC,

I hope you have gotten through this day with a deeper love for yourself and respect for the boundaries and decisions you have made.   You certainly tried to get the info from them about the service, and it sounds like they dragged you back and forth unnecessarily before finally giving you the info - the day of, no less.   I would have done the same thing and not attended under those circumstances, and you also spared yourself the games and drama, on top of the grieving you are going through.

Now you can pay your respects in private and at your own pace, and you are not at the mercy of those who want to hurt you.   Well done.   

[Leonor]

So bizarre, our families. They will sulk and pout through a wedding but relish a funeral. 

There was so much drama around my dad's passing too. From all *three* of his ex-wives: the queen narcissist who took it over, the communal narcissist who said she would pray for me, and the covert narcissist who got herself checked into the hospital the week before.

My family is also big into the Secret Funeral. Great second cousin removed aunt passes at 140 years old, and no one tells me about it, and then at the next Thanksgiving it's all about great second cousin removed Auntie's weeklong wake and how "we missed *you* there, Leonor."

Again, 

You deserve support, gentleness and kindness as you move emotionally and spiritually through the passing of your father. You deserve to grieve with respect and honor and boundaries, and find and create your peace in your own way.

I'm sorry for your losses, and wish you healing.

[DfromC]

Once again thank you Dandelion, chowder and Leonor for your posts. It helps to not feel so alone.

I realize now I had said this in my last post:

So here we are 5 days after I've asked and still no details shared to me. I questioned why I had to ask for details a second time when I had already asked for them and the reply was maybe a phone would be better.

And I was missing some clarifications so here is the corrections needed in all caps:

"So here we are 5 days after I've asked and still no details OF HOW HE PASSED shared to me. I questioned why I had to ask for details ON THE SERVICE/VIEWING  a second time when I had already SAID YES WHEN asked for them and the reply was maybe a phone CALL would be better. "

Sorry about any confusion.

Still no word to me about how he passed. It's been radio silence. And now a cousin has posted on my timeline, and another unknown relative with my mom's maiden name sending a friend request.. makes me wonder..

It's been interesting reading the condolences on the online obituary  that came up on Saturday. Friends and acquaintances sure were given a different side than I was and my name left out on a note from a cousin.. I probably shouldn't read them but i do.

I sure vacillate from feeling confident and sure of myself to alone and sad, from feeling peace in my choices of NC to much regret.. it's a roller coaster these days.  Thanks again for reading.

[chowder]

Hi,, DfromC,
Just wondering how you are doing and if you've received any further info on how your dad passed.  You are entitled at least to know that much.  By them not telling you, only demonstrates how they want to allow you to know or not know certain things ... exactly the type of control that you got away from by going NC.

You are not alone, and you *will* get through this.   

[DfromC]

Hi chowder,

No new info on how he passed. Yes it seems I'm supposed to tow to how they want to allow me to know things..

There is much going on in my life right now in other avenues too and where before this I had been coping quite well - now it all feels really heavy and the tears come in waves - not every day but more often and not necessarily just at the loss of my father but that is a huge part, although regret of going NC is not one of my thoughts at this time.

Thanks again for sharing I am not alone.

[chowder]

Hi, DfromC,

Just checking in, thinking of you, and hoping you are making progress with processing it all and balancing the other areas of your life.    You are not alone.

Chowder