My uPD husband has died

[GentleSoul]

GentleSoul,

I'm so very sorry for the long-term anguish of having to care for and maneuver around an alcoholic PD husband and also balance that with the sadness of watching another human steadily suffer with physical ailments.  Yes, albeit those ailments were self inflicted, it is still difficult to watch another human suffer.  In addition, even though life was hard with this man, there is still much history there, so the anguish is strong.   

At the same time, it is a joy to read of your resilience and self motivation to create a life for yourself, among the difficulties of living with a PD spouse.  Now, after his passing, it seems you have fully prepared yourself for the time of beginning again, including the immense self control to live the rest of your life free of direct PD influences.   

Again, I'm sorry for the reality of the moment you are living in, with the loss of your husband and the busy period that accompanies a loss of a family member.  I hope also that you will continue, even after the dust settles, to remain here and provide valuable insight to us fellow PD path travelers at Out of the FOG, who may benefit from your valuable life experiences and lessons we may be able to apply in our own journeys.   My thoughts and prayers for your comfort and the comfort of any additional family members. 

SoT

Thank you, SoT, for such a thoughtful message.

Interesting you mention remaining here.  When hubby passed my emotional reaction was to run away from this site and anything to do with PD information or support.  To block it out.  Make it all gone.  It was all so painful, I wanted to almost surgically remove anything in my life with any connection to it. 

Yet as time passed a little, I realised this was not what I needed. I need to stay, that it would be a comfort to me and to others I may be able to offer some hope to from my own experience. 

[SonofThunder]

GentleSoul,

I'm so very sorry for the long-term anguish of having to care for and maneuver around an alcoholic PD husband and also balance that with the sadness of watching another human steadily suffer with physical ailments.  Yes, albeit those ailments were self inflicted, it is still difficult to watch another human suffer.  In addition, even though life was hard with this man, there is still much history there, so the anguish is strong.   

At the same time, it is a joy to read of your resilience and self motivation to create a life for yourself, among the difficulties of living with a PD spouse.  Now, after his passing, it seems you have fully prepared yourself for the time of beginning again, including the immense self control to live the rest of your life free of direct PD influences.   

Again, I'm sorry for the reality of the moment you are living in, with the loss of your husband and the busy period that accompanies a loss of a family member.  I hope also that you will continue, even after the dust settles, to remain here and provide valuable insight to us fellow PD path travelers at Out of the FOG, who may benefit from your valuable life experiences and lessons we may be able to apply in our own journeys.   My thoughts and prayers for your comfort and the comfort of any additional family members. 

SoT

Thank you, SoT, for such a thoughtful message.

Interesting you mention remaining here.  When hubby passed my emotional reaction was to run away from this site and anything to do with PD information or support.  To block it out.  Make it all gone.  It was all so painful, I wanted to almost surgically remove anything in my life with any connection to it. 

Yet as time passed a little, I realised this was not what I needed. I need to stay, that it would be a comfort to me and to others I may be able to offer some hope to from my own experience.

GentleSoul, I could not agree more, that your valuable insight, in all your experiences, are a great asset to all of us here at Out of the FOG.  Wisdom and insight are indeed the most precious of gems.  Thank you for remaining and sharing. 

SoT

[losingmyself]

I just wanted to agree and second what SOT has said.
Besides the wisdom and insight you bring, though, there is a calming presence your words and advice have, and I would miss that. So, thank you for sticking around.
LM

[GentleSoul]

Thank you SoT and LosingMyself, so kind of you to say.

I am a very peaceful person. 

I was brought up in violence and chaos, I recreated it in my partner choices and career choices. 

I want to be me again now. 

Over the last few days I have been writing out my thoughts, hopes, my many gratitudes.  On paper with a pen.  This has really helped me.

The physical act of writing it on paper, then reading it back, crossing through parts, amending, re-writing.  It has been like spring cleaning my mind.

Purely thinking can be a little muddling, I feel.  The small space between the thought and putting it on paper seems to give me clarity.  A little step back and so I can see it better.

I also did a financial review of my position to reassure myself that I am safe and secure.  It feels like I am soothing and caring for the inner me. 

I no longer have to fear that hubby will financially ruin us which was a very valid fear I had for many years. 

I have also updated my food choices.  Much more simple, plain food for me.  This pleases me greatly.  I have weeded down kitchen equipment, this also pleases me greatly. 

I have worked on his former bedroom and it looks completely different, it is now my exercise room.  I like Yoga and Pilates.

I have clutter cleared my home, anything with his PD energy or a bad memory of it being used as a weapon to mentally batter me with has been disposed of.  I want my home to be full of  my gentle, calm, positive energy.   

[SonofThunder]

Thank you SoT and LosingMyself, so kind of you to say.

I am a very peaceful person. 

I was brought up in violence and chaos, I recreated it in my partner choices and career choices. 

I want to be me again now. 

Over the last few days I have been writing out my thoughts, hopes, my many gratitudes.  On paper with a pen.  This has really helped me.

The physical act of writing it on paper, then reading it back, crossing through parts, amending, re-writing.  It has been like spring cleaning my mind.

Purely thinking can be a little muddling, I feel.  The small space between the thought and putting it on paper seems to give me clarity.  A little step back and so I can see it better.

I also did a financial review of my position to reassure myself that I am safe and secure.  It feels like I am soothing and caring for the inner me. 

I no longer have to fear that hubby will financially ruin us which was a very valid fear I had for many years. 

I have also updated my food choices.  Much more simple, plain food for me.  This pleases me greatly.  I have weeded down kitchen equipment, this also pleases me greatly. 

I have worked on his former bedroom and it looks completely different, it is now my exercise room.  I like Yoga and Pilates.

I have clutter cleared my home, anything with his PD energy or a bad memory of it being used as a weapon to mentally batter me with has been disposed of.  I want my home to be full of  my gentle, calm, positive energy.

GentleSoul,

I am encouraged for you regarding what you wrote (above).  I believe that insight into your experiences in your situation, would be very helpful to me/others, in a similar situation of death or divorce.  Thank you again for sharing your experiences that are a result of a long span of time down a very difficult path.  I look forward to gleaning from your wisdom and insight as you share and encourage others here at Out of the FOG.

SoT

[tragedy or hope]

GentleSoul,
So sorry for your grief. It is never easy to loose someone. I have read your posts on occasion and want you to know you are remembered here. Take good care, and be kind to yourself.

[GentleSoul]

Thank you again for your kindness, SoT. 

Thank you, Tragedy Or Hope.  I will be kind to myself, thanks. Take care too.

[GentleSoul]

I am feeling my grief steadily.  Coming in waves.  Also an element of ptsd for myself, I am sure of it.   I am feeling and acknowledging all my feelings. Validating them all.  They are all ok and all acceptable. 

As a person who experienced having my feelings invalidated by others with their own agenda playing out, I can now validate them for myself.

Every part of what I feel is valid.  None of it is wrong or "not good enough". 

Before hubby passed, I did sometimes wonder if I would feel a level of joy to be free of his PD/alcoholic behaviours when he did pass.    I have not felt this. Certainly not joy or happiness. 

I do feel a small sense of relief.  Relief that I will no longer be subjected to the extremely damaging behaviours of a mentally sick person.   

Also that the exhaustion of very long term care giving for a person has ended. 

My feeling is that as time passes, my relief will grow.  It is still very early days and I am finding it hard to process that I am not being devalued or living in tension all the time.  That the eggshells have not only gone, they are going to stay gone!

I am liking it.  That is for sure.  Being able to manage my own life without the interference that a PD person needs to do.

In simple terms, I no longer have anyone throwing rocks at my head or trying to trip me up. 

[Pepin]

GentleSoul - thank you for sharing your journey with us during this new chapter in your life.  Just reading it brings peace.  I am so pleased for you and your path toward light and healing.  It is tremendous that you are forging ahead with strength and determination.  You are taking excellent care of you.   

[GentleSoul]

GentleSoul - thank you for sharing your journey with us during this new chapter in your life.  Just reading it brings peace.  I am so pleased for you and your path toward light and healing.  It is tremendous that you are forging ahead with strength and determination.  You are taking excellent care of you.   

Thank you, Pepin.  I am glad it is helping others too.

Each day I feel more and more peace. 

I am full of gratitude for the calmness and not feeling I need to justify, explain, etc.  I certainly have more energy as it is not being drained away.

I have been working on my home.  To my surprise, my tastes are really showing themselves.  Such a joy to be able to pick a new item of furniture, dinner service etc without having to worry it will be nit picked or undermined by someone.  My personality is coming out.  I feel able to express myself.  The real me. 

Exciting. 

[GentleSoul]

A month today since my husband passed.

I noticed yesterday that a deep feeling of peace settling in.  Like I am now realising I can live in peace.  I will not be manipulated, bullied etc by a sick person who needs to do those things as their way to operate in the world.

I can just BE. 

My energy has increased a great deal.  It is a calm, deep energy.  Not a brittle one fed by anxiety created from being with a PD person.  Feels completely different. 

I am becoming very protective of my peace.  As chatted about before, I am needing to disconnect with any other people who display toxic thought patterns and behaviours.  I do not want their toxicity near me.

I can see it far more clearly now.  As shared by Getting Out of the FOG, now I am not emotionally buried in late hubby's PD behaviours, it has allowed me to discern it in others.  My measure of what I thought was healthy and what was toxic has altered.  Corrected, I think.  I think it was numbed down before.

[GentleSoul]

Lots of pain coming up in me today.   I do not think it is grief for late husband.   I think a lot of it is the pain of what I went through from his behaviours. 

The absolute lose/lose situation I was always placed in.  HIs mental illness and alcoholism was always going to play out the way it needed too.

Medium Chill helped me protect myself a great deal  but that is not meant to be a long term tool. 

My grief and mourning is for me.  My loss of myself.

[SonofThunder]

I have read, on Out of the FOG, the experiences of those that are physically freed from being around the PD person (whether through divorce or death) , going through what you describe, along the path to recovery.  I read in their writings, how it takes time and comes in waves, but the as time progresses, it is a steady progressive road to recovery.  My prayers for you GentleSoul as your journey along this path.   Glad you are hear to share in your experiences and to find camaraderie. 

SoT

[GentleSoul]

I have read, on Out of the FOG, the experiences of those that are physically freed from being around the PD person (whether through divorce or death) , going through what you describe, along the path to recovery.  I read in their writings, how it takes time and comes in waves, but the as time progresses, it is a steady progressive road to recovery.  My prayers for you GentleSoul as your journey along this path.   Glad you are hear to share in your experiences and to find camaraderie. 

SoT

Thank you, SoT.  So kind of you to give your support.  Good to hear that I am progressing along the path to recovery.  It does feel that way to me.  Deep pain coming up and out.  As you say the waves come along, very painful, they feel like they will last forever, like they are eating me up, then suddenly it lifts and is gone. 

Thank you for your prayers, they are very welcome.

I am noticing more and more lightness in my body and my breathing is easier too.  Less tense.

The clothes shops here reopened today.  As I was wandering around enjoying looking and picking out a few things, it popped into my head how I can enjoy the clothes just for me.  Get what I want, not feel anxiety when I returned home as to what mood husband was in. 

Would he be jealous of the outfit I bought or would he be complimentary and say how lovely I look in it.  Could be either.   Sometimes he was jealous of my slimness and fitness other times he said how hard I work at maintaining it which I do, I am not a naturally slim person.

One time he pitched a really nasty fit about a pair of jeans I bought.  Simply because he was too out of shape to be able to wear jeans.   I ended up throwing the jeans away as they had so much emotional pain attached to them.

[1footouttadefog]

I think everyone has posted the the thoughts I would have shared already.

I am sorry for your loss.  Be kind to yourself as you process complex feelings.

I hope your healing is fast and that you find a short, path to the best possible next chapter of your life.

[GentleSoul]

I think everyone has posted the the thoughts I would have shared already.

I am sorry for your loss.  Be kind to yourself as you process complex feelings.

I hope your healing is fast and that you find a short, path to the best possible next chapter of your life.

Thank you very much.  I appreciate your good wishes and am pleased to say that I have been doing the work of processing and feeling it all and it is fading.  It really is, the stress and damage is leaving my body.  I am surprised how quickly really.  It is only 6 weeks since he passed and I feel so very much better.

All anxiety and being on "red alert" completely gone now.  My body no longer releasing all those stress chemicals. 

I have been doing lots of soothing and positive self talk which has helped.  In each situation that comes up now, I am mindfully looking at it in a new way. 

I am not pushing or rushing myself in any way at all.

It does feel like deep cleansing and healing is happening. 

A neighbour was talking about her PD waif mum and all the manipulating and guilt tripping the mum was currently doing, I just listened and understood but no triggering or cptsd response in my body which I did experience in first few weeks.   

Also as I listened to the PD's antics and refusal to follow medical instructions from her doctor or have the mobility aids fitted as advised, I just passively thought "ah well, when you fall over and break your hip, it will be your own fault then" .  This is big progress too for me.

[ArmadilloKate]

((((Hugs))))

I am sorry for the parts you have lost and the grief. And for the parts where. You are finding joy and freedom and safety...hooray!!!! This is beautiful.

[GentleSoul]

((((Hugs))))

I am sorry for the parts you have lost and the grief. And for the parts where. You are finding joy and freedom and safety...hooray!!!! This is beautiful.

Thank you, that is very kind of you.

I have had the thought of what have I lost now my husband has passed.  There is a long list of things but none (NONE!!!) are positive, life enhancing things.  Seriously, none!

A big thing to admit to myself. 

[GentleSoul]

Wanted to post an update.  Nearly five months since uPD husband passed. 

I went through some more healing work with support of my recovery buddy.   I feel safe.  Deeply calm and content with the life I am enjoying building for myself.  I have found peace around late hubby's behaviours and let them go.

Also having done the work on myself, interestingly I encountered what I took to be a narc recently. 

I SAW him!  My gut felt him.  My ears heard his narc b/s and hoovering (he wasn't speaking to me, he was speaking to (or AT actually) someone nearby).  It laughable.  HIs antics trying to hoover his ex in. 

I found it pathetic.  Certainly not attractive.  I came away sure I would never again be attracted to any PD.   

I could kind of feel the weak pathetic person behind his loud b/s.  Repellent.   

[losingmyself]

Gentlesoul, I thought of you just yesterday!
I'm so happy you're living your best life, and seeing narc behaviors before they can get to you!
Congratulations to you, and good to hear from you