Triggery statements

[WinterStar]

Hello all, I was thinking today about nice waif BPD mom and the great frustration I have for the loaded statements she sprinkles into conversation.

She likes to say she never had emotions until she and my dad were divorced. I've always felt incredibly upset by this one. I mean, I was there, and while she didn't really deal with her emotions, she definitely had them. She was sad and hurt almost constantly. I think maybe she didn't really feel her emotions because she was always dumping them on me. And I put together today that the divorce and my leaving home happened around the same time, so what really happened was she lost daily access to the emotional junkyard and had to start dealing with her emotions herself.

Another statement is that she talks about the past, unlike her mother who never talked about the past. Of course the "past" my mom talks about is all the hurtful things that ever happened to her. So I was hearing about 30 years of trauma before I started kindergarten. Obviously, it was too much! And I was thinking today that all the hurtful events she recounts to me are really the things she wanted to share with her mom but couldn't. She is so very proud of "correcting" her mother's flaw, but what she wanted from her mother was to speak her trauma, and correcting that would be making space for me to talk about my trauma.

I've  reached a better understanding of why I'm so very bothered by these statements. But I still have no idea what to do when they come up. I've never said anything about them. With the statement about not having emotions, she says it like "Isn't it nice that I have this insight!" And then she moves on to her next topic. It's like an emotional hit and run for me. And she has zero understanding that she just told her child, "I was emotionally unavailable until after you were an adult." I mean, that seems like a problem to me.

I know I can't control her or make her stop saying these things. Nothing I could say would make her understand.  But what do I do? Because it feels like I have to say something for me. Just facing these statements with silence is grinding up my insides. Or maybe there's internal work I need to do to be more detached? I've made great progress on detachment, but I still can't imagine being detached when these topics come up.

Any insight? Suggestions? Similar stories?

[Boat Babe]

I 100% hear you Winter star. Here's a big hug first.

My mother sprinkles conversation with loaded statements that still trigger me (I am 63!)  She still dumps her emotions on me. I love her and can't stand her.

I get that the silence is grinding for you. Perhaps you can speak your truth to her, knowing she won't get it, but just to release the pressure on yourself. I really, really get it and am so sorry this continues.

[Sneezy]

Oh yeah, I feel this.  My mom sprinkles every conversation with some loaded statements.  When she is being super-waify and miserable it will be a big sweeping statement like "I feel like I haven't lived!!!  I haven't had a life!!!"  How do I even respond to something like this?  I mean, she has had a long and blessed life, raised several children who all keep in various degrees of contact, has lived in several places, hasn't traveled much (her latest lament) but has had some nice vacations and some nice times.  She has had a busy active life, but to hear her tell it, it's been all boredom and misery and people being mean to her at every step of the way.

And sometimes it's minor statements that no one else would even notice, but I know what they mean.  I called her today and she was at the hairdressers.  Then she has a meeting to go to.  But after that "there's nothing going on."  That's her way of saying that she is going to be really bored later today and it will be all my fault for not rushing over to entertain her.  Because every bad feeling she has, from mild annoyance and boredom to full-on misery is my problem to fix for her. 

I wish I had better advice to give, but for me, medium chill and boundaries and occasional texts to my siblings along the lines of "Can you believe mom just said x?" are all that I have come up with.  It does seem to be getting a tiny bit better, though - I think mom is starting to see me as a very boring person who doesn't give her the drama she needs.  At least that's how I hope she sees me.

[Ladymm]

Winter star,

My mother and grandmother are the same. I feel i cant connect with them because they are so negative. Also i feel i was a part of all the bad things that happened to them because either i was the one who was luckier than them or even in the way in the sense that you have to care for a child and have no time for yourself (this my mother mostly).

I feel strongly repulsed. Really, i try to keep low contact and talk about covid and the weather.

[AlisonWonder]

Three very useful responses I learned are:

"I am sorry to hear that"
"That's nice"
"What are you going to do?"

With these three, with many people, you can build entire conversations that they actually seem to like.
I learned the first two for parenting adult children, but they work with PDs for the same reasons.

[pianissimo]

I have been in similar situations with my mother.

If she speaks about her feelings, I tell her  "Mom, it's difficult for me to hear these things. I'm your daughter, not your friend."
If she speaks about my father, I tell her "Mom, don't talk about my father to me". I have the same answer for my father when he complains about her. He does it more subtly though.
If she talks about her past, again, I remind her that I'm her daughter and the way she talks to me affects me, that I can't handle it.

She sometimes complains that there is nothing she can talk to me about. I don't mind that.

[doglady]

I can't even really itemise triggers as pretty much everything my uPDm has ever said seems to be a toxic soup of illogical, fake, circumlocutary, delusional, disingenuous, outright fabricated, emotionally disregulated and wilfully obtuse word salads - to the point where virtually everything she uttered would trigger me. She seems absolutely incapable of direct, clear, calm and intelligible conversation with me, despite the fact that she is highly intelligent and can communicate well. Her chosen mode of expression with me is just her 'strategy.'

It got to the point where she was suffering from *BEC syndrome as far as I was concerned. She always knew which buttons to push and now even tries to still do it by proxy. As I'm in VVVVVVLC, I don't respond unless it is somewhat sensible, so hardly ever.

Her manner and facial expressions also triggered me. She's a strange and clever mixture of baiter and fake saintly, syrupy, overly-positive - so I privately refer to her as TrollyAnna. It's all cringey as hell. 

(*Bitch Eating Crackers, an unfortunate situation where someone is so annoying they could innocently be eating crackers and they'd somehow still manage to rile the tripe out of you.)

I know this all sounds quite cruel to describe someone this way - but it is what it is. 

[WinterStar]

Hello all, thank you so much for your replies. It's been awhile. I've been taking information in, contemplating it, trying to get to a better headspace. I'm only contacting my mom via electronic communication about once a month, but she's on my thoughts daily. Part of this is that we are due for an emotional breakdown soon. I've been saying "no" way, way, way more than ever before, and eventually, "no"s always leads to hysterical tears and unspoken pleas for reassurance. I am predicting that this will occur near my birthday in a couple of months. But I'm also expecting it any day, which is exhausting. I'm not even in frequent contact with her, and this is still taking up way too much of my time and emotional energy.

The "no"s communicate to her that something isn't quite right. But it is my job, and always has been, to shield my mom from the truth. The truth is that I had a crappy childhood. The truth is that she is as responsible as my NPD dad for how crappy that childhood was. The truth is that the parentification from her has had a deeper, longer lasting effect on me than my dad's a-holeness. The guy is a jerk with almost no redeeming qualities, so my sympathy for him died a long time ago. I know these truths would crush my mother, so it's my job to hide them. They're so painfully obvious that I have been constantly distracting her from them for decades. And the hurt at never being heard and the anger at the unfairness of it all was never allowed to be aimed toward my mother. She has done things she knew would upset me and then confessed them along with a list of reasons that she cannot be held responsible for her actions. Like, I find out about the angering thing and the anger is directed away from her in the same breath. The anger doesn't go away though, it just comes back at me. And I've got decades of repressed anger in me. And still she's the victim; she's so hurt that I haven't been in closer contact with her. How could I do that to her when she didn't mean to? She's been through so much. She's a nice lady.

So, I'm working right now on just being angry with her. Nothing else. Just furious. I'm allowing all the angry thoughts, no matter how disturbing they are. I'm trying not to let it scare me, though I am afraid the fury is here to stay forever. And I have a twinge of guilt that this is all somehow my fault because I haven't been honest with her. I tell myself that she set up the system where I had to be dishonest in order to survive as a child and that it's a very difficult pattern to break out of, but I still feel that twinge.

And I have the understanding that I cannot go back to being the magician that makes all the painful truths disappear from her view. But I also can't really speak the truth to her either since it would cause her to emotionally melt down and she would end up telling everyone she knows, including my brother and other relatives, so that I'd have to deal with the further erosion of those relationships. She's left me in a powerless position where I'm darned if I do and if I don't. And if I'm not the magician who am I now? What does this even look like? On what level can we even interact?

Boat Babe, thanks for the virtual hug and the solidarity. I desperately want to just let the truth rip, her emotional meltdown be damned, but I don't think I could take another angry scolding from my brother right now, which is what I would get. He's the only family member I have left that I truly care what he thinks of me. Maybe I just have to let that go. I mean, his opinion of me isn't great right now anyway, so what does it even matter.

Sneezy, oh man, those are some incredibly vague waify statements. You're right, there's no response that could make any sense because the statement itself is so flawed. I'm sorry you're dealing with that. I'm trying to be boring. My mom's still fighting that. This is another important aspect of everything. If I do "speak my truth", it will be good drama fodder for her for a long time. It would undo all I've done to condition her to expect "medium chill" from me. She'd prefer the drama over the chill. But the chill leaves me feeling so silenced. Just like it's been my whole life. There's no good answer here. And I'm still trying to find the perfect answer. The perfect thing to say that will make things better. And I know it doesn't exist.

Ladymm, the negativity by itself is so incredibly draining. And it's infectious somehow. Partly because my pain is always inferior, so I end up hyper focused on the bad things going on in my life after interactions with my mopey family. Thanks for your feedback on how you handle it, and I'm sorry you're dealing with this too.

AlisonWonder, I need some go-to phrases that work for me. And I think I need to rehearse them so I don't end up locked up the next time I need to use them. Thanks for the tip.

pianissimo, what you tell your mother sounds so cathartic to me. I've never been brave enough to say those things. Once, two decades ago, I had a sit down where I got through to her that she was doing way too much TMI and that it was hurting me. She had the worst emotional meltdown I've ever witnessed. And this is why I hide the truth. I think the statements you use may be the balance I need. Close enough to grey rock since they're not a direct challenge and yet standing firm with a boundary.

doglady, I don't think it sounds cruel. It sounds like an inevitable place that one gets to with this kind of repeated mistreatment. I think it's just where I am. I've had the thought a few times that what do I really want my mother to say right now? I'm mad when she sends me long emails about how hard her life has been, tells me how things are from my perspective (seriously, how messed up is that) and tries to get me to interact with her more. And I'm mad when she sends the terse messages that say nothing and are so completely out of character for her that they communicate how very, very "hurt" she must be. I crave direct, clear, calm and intelligible conversation. I have a friend who is especially good at it, and it's incredibly healing for me. I don't have to worry about where she stands or if she's secretly upset. She doesn't speak in code. If she's tired and would like me to go home, she just says so politely, and even though such a statement could be considered "rude", I'm glad that she feels comfortable enough to let me know what she needs. And I know she can handle me expressing my needs back. This kind of healthy interaction puts such a huge spotlight on the dysfunction in my family relationships.

[Thru the Rain]

I'm catching up on this post and I feel like I'm reading about MY mother over and over through this thread! 

I too let myself just "feel" angry about my uPDM. And then I started letting my anger show when she said things that drove me nuts - not mean, just willing to point out the holes and flaws in her stories.

So many stories to choose from, but here's one that worked out well for me:

My whole life my M had a story that made her sooooo saaaaad to even tell it. When she first was married and set up a home with my Dad, apparently my Grandma (her Mother) didn't go to the grocery store to fill up my M's new kitchen with food. **Cue the quavery voice and watering eyes.**

Fast forward a couple decades and I and each of my siblings moved out, got married, set up our own homes. When my youngest brother got married, my M DID take my new sister in law to the store and bought her a refrigerator full of food. And it was a thoughtful thing to do.

My M went out of her way to tell me all about the shopping trip and starts to cry as she tells me "My Mom didn't do this for me. She was too selfish and didn't care about me", with actual tears welling up in her eyes. And with a straight face I said "Yea, my Mother didn't do that for me either".

The look on her face was priceless!

This was about 10 years ago and I haven't heard the sad, sad tale of *no one loved me enough to buy me groceries* ever since. She also didn't do this ~apparently oh so important buying of groceries~ for my other brother or my sister. It just didn't occur to her. To be honest, I could have cared less and the last thing I wanted to do was to go to the store with my M. But she's so focused on her self pity that she doesn't/can't/won't see that she has treated her own kids the exact same way she complains that her Mother treated her.

Over time I've gently poked similar holes in many of her long-held grievances. Not to be unkind, just to point out the glaring hypocrisy she engages in. And eventually she stopped reciting (to me at least) her long list of grudges and grievances. She still engages in other maddening behaviors: rewriting the past, creating cheap gossip about family and friends, saying outrageous things that she thinks are funny but are really just mean. I'm hoping to find a strategy that works on these other items, but so far medium chill works well.

[Boat Babe]

Oh the waify mums! 

I hear what you say about the emotional dumping and the flight from truth/ reality.

I once said to my mother that all she did was complain to me. Her reply was that who else was she going to do that to? I was speechless! Basically, I am the only available receptacle for her pain, so here it comes. I just bat it back to her these days, but you can't do that as a child.

And yes, supporting my mother with her delusions so she wouldn't fall apart was another constant daughterly duty, starting really young and always centred on her catastrophic love life.  I was acutely aware of what I was doing and I HATED it,  more than any of the other crap, and there was loads, because I  was obliged to lie. I had no problem with lying as a child to avoid punishment (standard "I didn't do it" stuff) but lying to my mother about reality just freaked my brain out.

Toxic in a really sneaky way.

[SunnyMeadow]

Oh the waify mums! 
Toxic in a really sneaky way.

Oh yes, what a delight! I recently experienced an emotional dumping from my uNPD mother. The usual thing, used a sad story of someone else and sneakily weaved herself into it with tears and a quivering chin.     

It was so ridiculous that I sat there open mouthed, shook my head and continued eating my meal. I didn't give her the satisfaction of a reply. She had to stop the tears without my usual consolation and continue eating too. 

It's because of this forum and everyone sharing their experiences and advice that I got through it with a laugh and an eyeroll. It didn't even stick with me for hours and days like her episodes usually do. I kept in mind that she looks for ways to throw herself and others into drama. She's a miserable, irrelevant and unlikable person who isn't going to change.

[SunnyMeadow]

I know I can't control her or make her stop saying these things. Nothing I could say would make her understand.  But what do I do? Because it feels like I have to say something for me. Just facing these statements with silence is grinding up my insides. Or maybe there's internal work I need to do to be more detached? I've made great progress on detachment, but I still can't imagine being detached when these topics come up.

Any insight? Suggestions? Similar stories?

You could try to say something but I'd expect a blow up. I would hope your mother would be different but she may not be. Maybe speak your truth once and if it goes bad, you know she's not safe for you to share your experiences. I tried it and my uNPD mother blew up. It was scary and disgusting to witness. I thought she was going to slap me; I was a fully grown, middle age woman at the time. So that's when I started seriously detaching from her. I got to see her as a sick person and not the sad, suffering person I used to see. She instantly turned into a person I didn't trust and didn't like.

Throughout the years, she groomed me to share confidences with her by telling me she went through similar issues. She made me think she was a safe person to share things with. She wasn't and holy crap was I ever naïve in that regard. I really started to back away from her then and see her as the mean person she always was.

I'm only in a LC relationship with her because I tried NC and my stress and anxiety went through the roof and I became sick in a big way. When I went NC she found a way to contact me and insinuated she was going to let slip things I told her in confidence. Really nice of a mother, huh?  I am just waiting for her to pass so I can start living my life without this waify, mean and evil weight of my mother around my neck.

Another way to consider, when she starts in on these topics tell her it gives you anxiety and you have to leave, then leave! I'll bet she doesn't keep doing it too many times. She isn't getting the reward and attention if you leave. I tell my mother that I have to live a stress free life (and I do!) so I can't listen or talk about certain topics. It sort of works.

[Cat of the Canals]

So, I'm working right now on just being angry with her. Nothing else. Just furious. I'm allowing all the angry thoughts, no matter how disturbing they are. I'm trying not to let it scare me, though I am afraid the fury is here to stay forever. And I have a twinge of guilt that this is all somehow my fault because I haven't been honest with her. I tell myself that she set up the system where I had to be dishonest in order to survive as a child and that it's a very difficult pattern to break out of, but I still feel that twinge.

And I have the understanding that I cannot go back to being the magician that makes all the painful truths disappear from her view. But I also can't really speak the truth to her either since it would cause her to emotionally melt down and she would end up telling everyone she knows, including my brother and other relatives, so that I'd have to deal with the further erosion of those relationships. She's left me in a powerless position where I'm darned if I do and if I don't. And if I'm not the magician who am I now? What does this even look like? On what level can we even interact?

This resonated so strongly with me. My entire family shields my mother from any unpleasant truths, so I have never been able to be honest with her. She also tends to only waif to third parties... if she is angry or upset with YOU, she will either be cold, passive aggressive, or fake nice. I don't think she can confront things head on because she's terrified of hearing the truth.

I've never even come CLOSE to "confronting" her because I know how pointless it would be. I can see it going exactly as you've described: she would become the ultimate victim, and my relationships with other family members would likely suffer. And for what? I don't think that I would get any peace from it. (Though I know others have, and I'm glad for them.) And I don't believe she can change, so all I'd really be doing is giving her a whole boatload of things to waif about.

Instead, I'm trying to find peace in living my own truth and creating a life separate from her. If she were to ever find the gumption to ask me "what was wrong" or "why we can't be closer" I think I'd say something along the lines of, "This is who I am. This is what I have to offer. If that isn't enough for you, I don't know what to tell you." It's as honest as I can be with her, and when it comes right down to it, it's very much the truth.

Journaling helps me a lot when it comes to the anger. Sometimes I write direct letters to my mother. Other times I just write about what I'm angry about and why. It's a nice outlet after decades of thinking I wasn't allowed to be angry. It's a way to speak my truth in a safe place. At the end, I try to list three things I'm grateful for in my life, as a way to re-center myself in a positive place.

As for who you are, now that you've dropped the role of magician and peacekeeper? You are the master of your own life, free from her unrealistic and one-sided expectations. If you decide that this very limited relationship with your mother is one you are willing to continue putting time and effort into, that is your choice. It would also be your choice to decide that for the little you get out of it, the effort simply isn't worth it. Go at your own pace, and listen to your heart.

[Duck]

WinterStar,
Your last post really struck me. My mom does not have BPD but she is my dad's enabler, and I really relate to everything you say.

"And the hurt at never being heard and the anger at the unfairness of it all was never allowed to be aimed toward my mother."

"So, I'm working right now on just being angry with her. Nothing else. Just furious. I'm allowing all the angry thoughts, no matter how disturbing they are. I'm trying not to let it scare me, though I am afraid the fury is here to stay forever."

This is all me, too. It is very uncomfortable to be so mad at her. I don't like it. Especially when the rightness of my anger can never be understood or acknowledged.

[WinterStar]

This is all me, too. It is very uncomfortable to be so mad at her. I don't like it. Especially when the rightness of my anger can never be understood or acknowledged.

Yup. Plus, to have my mom "upset" with me is nauseating. I am the fixer. But now I'm "causing" the problem. I feel the pull to go and fix it. And, right now, this feels harder than just going back into magician mode so that my mom's bad feelings will go away. I think I need to just keep pushing though this, but it's shredding my insides.

[WinterStar]

My entire family shields my mother from any unpleasant truths, so I have never been able to be honest with her. She also tends to only waif to third parties... if she is angry or upset with YOU, she will either be cold, passive aggressive, or fake nice. I don't think she can confront things head on because she's terrified of hearing the truth.

Yes! This is so incredibly familiar. It's a family conspiracy, really. The best metaphor I can think of is that it's like my brother and I committed a murder and managed to never get caught. We're in the clear now as long as we keep to the same story, but my conscience is starting to get to me. I'm starting to crack, and his reaction is to try to intimidate me into staying the course so he won't get caught. His position is understandable in a way. But he doesn't have any awareness of how heavy the burden of being the magician has been on me all these years.

Plus, the triangulation. I hate the triangulation.

Instead, I'm trying to find peace in living my own truth and creating a life separate from her. If she were to ever find the gumption to ask me "what was wrong" or "why we can't be closer" I think I'd say something along the lines of, "This is who I am. This is what I have to offer. If that isn't enough for you, I don't know what to tell you." It's as honest as I can be with her, and when it comes right down to it, it's very much the truth.

This is excellent. I've imagined saying things like this, but she hasn't gotten up the gumption lately. The last time we had a similar conversation, I tried to explain to her that as my responsibilities and family have grown, I've had less spare time. Her response was just to re-ask for more time and attention from me. She's continued to do that over and over again in the following years. "Can I have more time?" "Can I have more attention?" "I want this." "I want that." I keep saying, "no." She keeps asking again. And again. And again. All one-off requests.

As for who you are, now that you've dropped the role of magician and peacekeeper? You are the master of your own life, free from her unrealistic and one-sided expectations. If you decide that this very limited relationship with your mother is one you are willing to continue putting time and effort into, that is your choice. It would also be your choice to decide that for the little you get out of it, the effort simply isn't worth it. Go at your own pace, and listen to your heart.

I feel so very, very done. If I didn't have kids who love grandma, I think I'd just call it a day now. As it is, I'm trying not to make a rash decision. Who knows, maybe when the rage I feel for her subsides a bit, I'll feel differently. You're right that it's about going at my own pace as I navigate this. Something I've noticed with PD people is that they're always rushing my decision making. They know people will agree to things when they're rushed, and I've been manipulated by this my whole life. I'm very uncomfortable with going slowly and finding a good pace. I've got to continue to practice this until it's just the way I roll.

[WinterStar]

Throughout the years, she groomed me to share confidences with her by telling me she went through similar issues. She made me think she was a safe person to share things with.

I'm only in a LC relationship with her because I tried NC and my stress and anxiety went through the roof and I became sick in a big way. When I went NC she found a way to contact me and insinuated she was going to let slip things I told her in confidence.

That's horrible, SunnyMeadow, and I'm sorry your mother is doing this to you. Our secrets are never safe with them. This is part of why lying just becomes the only option in dealing with them. And I hate lying.

Another way to consider, when she starts in on these topics tell her it gives you anxiety and you have to leave, then leave! I'll bet she doesn't keep doing it too many times. She isn't getting the reward and attention if you leave. I tell my mother that I have to live a stress free life (and I do!) so I can't listen or talk about certain topics. It sort of works.

My mom mostly talks about these things when I'm trapped. Usually, I'm in my own home. Or I drove five hours to my brother's house. Or we're in a car together. She says some things while my kids are present, which makes responding even harder, and I default to whatever I think is best for my children, which sometimes means drawing as little attention as possible to the thing. I've already decided that post-COVID, I'm going to meet her at locations halfway between our houses. Then, I can leave. Now, will I be able to follow through on that? I don't know. I tend to freeze up, and even rehearsing in my head doesn't stop me from locking up. Because she never really does things quite like I imagine she will, and my way of coping has always been to freeze.

[WinterStar]

I once said to my mother that all she did was complain to me. Her reply was that who else was she going to do that to? I was speechless! Basically, I am the only available receptacle for her pain, so here it comes.

I guess at least she knows she's doing it? (Not really, just being sarcastic.) It's just you'd think when that comes out of her mouth she'd hear it and realize it's a problem. But no...

My mom says she tells me about her pain to "help" me. So I can learn from it! So I can't say, "Don't tell me about your sex life with my dad, his indiscretions, all the mean things my grandmothers have ever done, all the hurts you've ever experienced" because she's only doing it to "help" me. I need to learn this stuff so I can function better in life. 

[WinterStar]

My M went out of her way to tell me all about the shopping trip and starts to cry as she tells me "My Mom didn't do this for me. She was too selfish and didn't care about me", with actual tears welling up in her eyes. And with a straight face I said "Yea, my Mother didn't do that for me either".

The look on her face was priceless!

This was about 10 years ago and I haven't heard the sad, sad tale of *no one loved me enough to buy me groceries* ever since.

Oh man. I have two of these.

My mom's stepdad was a different denomination than her mom, and when my mom was in kindergarten, they started attending stepdad's services. Mom didn't understand the new services; it was so hard for her. *Sob*. She and my dad went to same denomination on rare occasions when I was growing up. I had no idea what was going on at services. Fast forward a quarter of a century, I find a religious community in college that happens to be this same denomination and join. Around the same time, mom starts attending this denomination regularly. Then, she meets her future second husband who is of a different denomination. She starts spouting a bunch of untrue things about my denomination, which I now have a job working for. I let her know which things she's saying aren't correct. She often didn't believe me. And then, if really pressed she would say she , "Well, no one taught me any of this when I was a child." One time I replied, "Me neither."

One of the many times my mom has talked about the fact that she had no emotions before my dad left, she said it right in front of my 10-year-old who said, "I thought everybody had emotions!" My reaction was to affirm my daughter and say, "That's true. Everybody does have emotions." Because we do. Even if we repress them. Or dump them on somebody else. That's mishandling them, but it's not never possessing them in the first place. My mom shot me her "Et tu, Brute?" look. She hasn't brought it up since, though I haven't seen her often since, so I'm still afraid it will come up again, and I'm most afraid that it will come up in front of my kids again and cause me to need to do damage control with them.

A different time, my mom laid on me that she had to emotionally care for her mother. I just looked at her. I still wish I'd said, "Yeah, I know what you mean." I was just too shocked at her statement and the fact that she had no self awareness that she's always depended on me emotionally. Like she's so aware and so unaware at the same time. It's boggling.

[Cat of the Canals]

This is excellent. I've imagined saying things like this, but she hasn't gotten up the gumption lately. The last time we had a similar conversation, I tried to explain to her that as my responsibilities and family have grown, I've had less spare time. Her response was just to re-ask for more time and attention from me. She's continued to do that over and over again in the following years. "Can I have more time?" "Can I have more attention?" "I want this." "I want that." I keep saying, "no." She keeps asking again. And again. And again. All one-off requests.

This is my PD mil. She doesn't accept even a direct "no." Just keeps asking. And pushing. And angling for reasons we'll *have to* say yes this time. They do it on purpose. No one likes being the person who says "NO" all the time. It's exhausting to keep reiterating the same simple boundaries over and over. They sense that. And so they ask and ask and ask in hopes of wearing us down.