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[Txmomma68]

Hi...i am a 52 year old.divorced woman who has experienced losses and abuse almost my entire life. From childhood on. I am coming to rhe realization that i am dealing with not only C-PTSD...but also complicated grief that i cant seem to "let go lf" as everyone seems to think i should just be able to do.  My own mother was mt original abuser, being of the sociopathic narcissistic personality disorder type. She infantalized me and mistreated me badly til i left home at the age of 17 but it did not stop there, as she proceeded to try to make me pay for having been born my wntire life (i was the child she didnt want). She very coldly and in a calculating manner caused me to lose ALL of my 5 children at a young age and i have no relationship with them. I actually have nobody except for a boyfriend at this time...as i was isolated from other family members at a young age and we have had no contact. She managed to sabotage my career as a nurse. I wasnt even really aware of any of the dynamics involved until well in my 40s when i only began to come out of this fog. Im poor..have been homeless several times in the last few years, been to prison in a seemingly excessive sentence.   Currently i just feel overwhelming sadness and grief much of the time anymore...have been dealing wifh drug addiction issues also.  Where do i go from here???

[bloomie]

HI there and welcome to Out of the FOG. It sounds like a long road of one big loss after another. It makes sense you would be grieving.

You ask where you go from here and the best thing I have ever learned is that there is only one thing I can control, change, cure and that is simply always and only myself.

One of the most helpful realities I continue to face and wrestle with in my own troubled relationships and interactions, in my own grieving and healing journey is summed up in this from our resources:

The 50% Rule
The 50% Rule says that we are responsible for 50% of the things that happen in any relationship we share with a person who suffers from a personality disorder.

That is not to say that we are responsible for anyone else's behavior, words or actions. We didn't cause the personality disorders in our loved ones, their behavior or their destructive tendencies. Those are caused by a combination of their own mental illness and their own poor choices.

But in all our relationships, we are responsible for 50% of what happens. We're responsible for our own choices, our own behaviors, our own words and our own actions.

And that is why it is a good idea to stop and think about our own behavior whenever our focus tends to be predominantly on the other person's behavior.

We are responsible for 100% of the choices that we make, the things we say and the things we do.

https://outofthefog.website/what-to-do-2/2015/12/3/the-50-rule

Take a look around and read through the resources and posts and most especially the toolbox in the drop down menu above which I hope will be a good help for you. There are good and supportive conversations taking place on the forum boards as well and we have a specific board for dealing with Personality Disordered Parents.

I hope you find support here as you find your way to better days and healing.