Important Milestone to getting Out of the FOG (but the Dissonance fights back!)

[Simon]

Hi all.
First I want to say that reading everyone's stories on here has been a big help.
They really should teach this stuff in school.
I think that due to forums such as this, and platforms like YouTube, the message is slowly getting out there.

Anyway, I wanted to touch on something that we've all experienced, and some still are.
Which brings me to my point.
I find it so sad to see so many  people still under the impression that their Borderline/Narcissist/Histrionic really cared/cares for them, but just like everyone on this forum, I completely understand the Cognitive Dissonance that makes it difficult to admit the truth.

There is a passage that I want to share from the book "Becoming the Narcissists Nightmare" that sums up what we already know, but are afraid to admit it.

Before that, a quick note about my situation, and why I'm posting this today.

My relationship with a Borderline Woman only lasted about a year, and I was discarded just over a year ago.
I had wanted out for months because of how she was treating me.
I guess in some regards, I'm lucky to be strong boundary-wise.

As an example, in the first few weeks, she started saying she Loved me.
After hearing it several times, I asked her to calm down on the "love you" stuff. (Hey, I'm a computer programmer. I'm very logical! )
She did stop for a week or so, and then started again, at which point I got sucked in, and my boundaries were slowly eroded over time, to my shame.

Over the coming months, I know she cheated on me with at least 2 guys, and groomed a third as her new supply near the end.
Even knowing this, I still stayed with her to help her through other issues she had.
I also stayed faithful, as I've done with all my relationships, because I find cheating abhorrent and unforgivable.
I had a couple of situations where I could have cheated on her, and this was deep into the abuse and the cheating, but I had more respect for myself.
One of the women worked in the same building as me, and was very friendly, and moral too, because as soon as she found out I was with someone, she stopped flirting, but I always caught her looking at me across the canteen or outside.
And occasionally, I find myself wondering what would have happened if I had pursued her.
That thought is not something I'm happy about, as it goes completely against the moral compass that I've lived by my entire life.
I guess that's what they mean when they say you can "catch fleas" off a Cluster B.

Now, with everything I've been through, everything I've read and watched, and everything I know, there is no way that I would ever doubt the void that the PD has where their heart should be, right?
Wrong!
It's not very often, but at least a couple of times a month I find myself thinking that she did think something of me, even though as a PD, she really didn't.
I sometimes think that she might miss me, or regret leaving me, or remember a place or event fondly because we shared it, but again, the truth is she doesn't.

I know this.
I've known this for a very long time.
She has ALL 9 traits to be a Borderline, and most traits that determine a Narcissist. There is no doubt!
But my brain, which I've always been very proud of, seems to occasionally go on the fritz, and takes me to LaLa land.
You all know what I mean.
You've all lived it.
Some of you still do occasionally, like me.
And some of you are doing it without realising, still stuck in that fog, seeing their false self, and mistaking it as the "real" them, when the real them is the nasty person that you've gradually come to see as time has gone on.

Onto that passage.
I think it sums it up perfectly, and although it's knowledge that we all need to remember ALL the time, I'm sure all our brains will do their best to hide it away on occasion.

"It's important to understand the mind of a sociopath and realize: what they do has nothing to do with us.
They target great people of loyalty and commitment who believe in Love, invest in relationships, and have
empathy for others to defraud and steal for their livelihood.

We could have been anyone - Anyone with a heart, a bed, a bank account, some food, an extra toothbrush,
and some skills to hijack, which the sociopath enlists to propel their miserable sham of a life forward.

We're amazing people - after all - no-one robs an empty house."

I hope that passage helps those struggling with Cognitive Dissonance, still thinking of the good times, still blaming themselves, etc.
My relationship with a BPD woman was pretty short, and yet still had a profound effect on me, and still does now and then, so I can't imagine how strong your trauma bond is if you've been with them for years, have kids with them, etc.

I'm not judging.
I wish you strength and clarity.

There is only one way for you to live a stress-free, loving and healthy life, and that's without them.

Stay safe.

[paulmichael]

Hi Simon,

Great post as always, really resonated.

I guess the difficult for me - and I'm sure others - is believing you were in a loving, caring, trusting relationship for a long period of time, in my case seven years, before being discarded so abruptly and so clinically.

That hurts, deeply.

It's always good to bring your mind back around to the thought of those with a PD not being like us, but my mind has a hard time processing it. So, wait, it wasn't real? It wasn't genuine?

The way she's behaved since she abandoned me would confirm that to be the case, but I still struggle to let go of the memories and the feeling of warmth and comfort.

I guess part of me always thinks she will eventually get back into contact (we've been NC since November) and come to her senses, but the logical part of me assesses the situation and the information I've received from places like here and knows it won't happen. That's difficult to take.

It's such a journey isn't it? Good days, OK days, bad days and really bad days.

[Simon]

Hi Paul.
Yes, it's such a difficult thing to come to terms with; to get our heads around.

I often wonder how much of it is our pride, as in "How did they con me so easily?", or "How could I be so stupid?".
Trying to connect the warm, touching moments, and happy memories with the knowledge of just how cold and disordered they are is like someone telling us that UP is DOWN, and we're expected to just accept it and move on.
(As I typed that, it occurred to me that with with nature of Space, and the fact that Gravity pulls us into the centre of the Earth wherever we are stood on it's surface, who knows which way is actually "UP"  )

If I look back objectively at my time with my BPD ex, and take off the months that I wanted to get away, and only count the time I was "happy" with her, I'd say it would come down to about 6 months.
I think I got singed, withdrew emotionally from the relationship, and waited for an opportunity to get out.
I'm not sure if I've shared this with this forum yet, but the morning after we broke up, I  woke up, stretched my arms out wide as I led in bed, and let out a huge sigh. It felt so good.
Sure, a few minutes later, and for the next few months, the effects of the abuse made things very difficult, but that initial reaction from me speaks volumes.

But I understand how different your situation is, and that of many of the people here.
I got of lightly, which I'm very grateful for, but for someone who invested so much more into the relationship, the pain must be so much deeper.

I remember when you first posted, and said that not only was it 7 years, but you considered them 7 pretty good years.
I guess she was very good at manipulating and gaslighting, and the reason I got off so lightly was...how can I put this without offending anyone...?...my ex wasn't the brightest person in the World.
What I mean by that is that she wasn't very good at remembering her lies, and would contradict herself a lot, and when I'd bring it up, she'd try and lie her way out of it in an equally poor way.

She was also very, very toxic when talking about others.
And by others, I mean everyone she knew.
Really nasty stuff.
Including stuff about her best friend, and the guy that she replaced me with (some really nasty stuff about him, and especially his Mother).
God knows how she's treating him right now!!!

And I remember one day, getting home from work, sitting down, and the first thing she wanted to tell me about was this really secret thing "Abigail" told her about herself. (That's her best friend, but I've changed the name).
Apparently, this thing was "really personal, and was told in the strictest confidence, and no-one must ever know!"
As she said this, she looked at me, waiting for me to ask her what it was.
Instead, I told her that she shouldn't tell me, because that would be wrong, and because I knew Abigail too, knowing whatever it was behind her back wouldn't be right.
She agreed, but you could see the disappointment on her face.
She wanted the drama, and she wanted to betray her best friend.
Her best friend who a couple of years earlier paid for a holiday for her because she felt sorry for my ex not being able to go!

This, and many examples like this, showed me that whatever else was going on, she was not a nice person, and not someone I wanted to spend my life with.
If she'd been better at her narcissistic games, I'd have been fooled, and my pain would have been so much greater.
I think the only reason that she catches anyone in her web is because she plays the victim role so well, but when people are in the relationship with her, they see her for what she is because she's so bad at being a convincing normal person.
The mask slips off her very easily.

As for them getting in contact, I still wonder that about my ex.
I hope not.
Not because I'm worried I'd take her back, because I really don't want anything to do with her.
But I've read stories from people where not only do they come back, but they come back and act like nothing bad happened.
One person's story I read recently said that they came back more than 2 years later, looked at her ex, fluttered her eyes, put her hand on his arm and said seductively "Hey, how are you. I've missed you!".
If we saw that in a movie, we'd point out how unrealistic that is. It's bonkers! lol

Hope it's getting easier for you.
If you're worried about how you'll react if she gets back in touch, I'd take the advice that I found in a book a while ago, which is to practice it in your mind every day.
What you'll say, how you'll say it, etc.
Respond not react, be indifferent, and show no emotion, either positive or negative.
This helped me keep a cool head in the first couple of months, when I bumped into her a couple of times, and did feel angry that I'd been played.
My indifference worked a treat.
In fact, I remember I had just dyed my hair blonde from dark brown the night before, a couple of days after we'd split (I'm always dyeing it. It's the Durannie in me!), and she said to me "You've dyed your hair!", and I just smiled and said yeah, and then said I had to go because I didn't want to be late. The disappointment that I was actually getting on with living my life was all over her face.
They want you to fall apart, and not be able to live without them, but because I'd practiced responding calmly and without emotion, it was very easy.
Sure, the pain was there later when I thought about it, but the important thing is to not let them see it.
Don't let them get supply from your pain, and do let them get upset because of your indifference.

Yep, quite a journey.
And despite the pain I had to go through, I feel so much healthier now I'm out the other side.
Well, mostly out the other side!

Good luck mate.