rebuilding confidence after abuse?

[ShyTurtle]

It has been a year since I resolved to leave my updex. I was in therapy, and it became clear to me how the years of abuse had taken its toll on my health. My ADD was at its worst and the memory problems and concentration deficiencies were getting in the way of my being able to have success with anything. I knew I had to get out if I wanted to live. I felt like I was turning into a zombie.  (I had even tried ADHD meds and it ended up doing more harm than good.)

When I left, I had to stop working for a while. I felt like I couldn't organize myself at all and paralyzed with fear after the trauma of leaving and being harassed and stalked. I have been doing the welfare thing ever since. It sucks.

Fast forward a year, and I'm still struggling with my memory. I was invited to write a complex document for a non-profit, and during the process I felt like my brain was going to catch fire. It was awful. I am a mere shadow of the smart, brave, outgoing person I once was, and I don't know if I'll ever improve. I feel so damaged. Will I ever get better? Does anyone know?

If I could go back in time I would warn myself about how dangerous being in an abusive relationship is. It has ruined my physical and mental health.

[Boat Babe]

Hi ShyTurtle and hugs 🤗

Hopefully your mental and physical health will improve greatly as you continue with the work of self-care and emotional healing.  Connection and support are vital for recovery and you deserve every good thing that comes your way now.

[AlisonWonder]

Hi ShyTurtle.
Boat Babe is right.
One year isn't long in the greater scheme of things.  Were you also abused in your FOO?  You seemed to be saying you already had ADD, that's why I ask.  Early trauma can cause things like that I think.
Regardless, I think you can still improve a great deal.  If you think about it, you are still under too much stress if you are on welfare, and living with the isolation that results from cutting off your xPD and all their friends/family.  I was told it takes 3 years to make new friends. That is stressful!  I hope you won't add to it by being too hard on yourself, and I hope things get better soon.

[JustKeepTrying]

Hi ShyTurtle (love the handle)

I had my one year divorce anniversary in January 21.  32 years with xOCPDh.  I was diagnosed with cPTSD three years ago because I was experience daily non-epileptic seizures and aphasia.  I was heavily medicated and living with stage IV cancer.  My neuropsychiatrist said it was the result of childhood trauma and living with a PD.  I sought help from a therapist who is experienced with EMDR and trauma.  Since the divorce, I have not had any seizures or aphasia.  I can talk about the past pretty clinically and my emotional response is lessoning all the time.

I share this to show there is life on the other side.  I live on my disability and am pretty frugal.  But I live.  on my own terms.  I often have to stop and reframe my own thoughts so that I don't drown in the trauma.

I recently read in an article in Psychology Today that people who need help use one trick  - they look themselves in the mirror and "You . . ."  Somehow moving that phrasing "I" to "You" helps your mind to address the issue in a safer way.

My memory is improving - I used to rely on the sticky notes and cell phone reminders to do daily tasks.  My self confidence is improving.  I have made friends and the ones I had before have drifted away or become deeper friendships.  There aren't many but the one's I have are good friends.  I talk through stuff with them and hearing them say - hey, that could work . . .  is far better than my ex's response.  I am gaining confidence daily.

You got this.  You can do this.  You already took the hardest step you will ever take in your life - you left.  WOW!  That is amazing and you should be so proud of yourself.  I am proud of you.

[Wolf]

I recently started taking phenibut occasionally for similar reasons, which is a legal supplement you can order that boosts mood and confidence and destroys anxiety and self-doubt. It's not a permanent solution obviously and apparently people can develop a dependence on it so you're only supposed to take it once or twice a week. People will probably be mad at me for suggesting it but frankly, sometimes we need supplements/medicine occasionally to power through adversity. Definitely do your research before deciding if it is right for you though.