Is This Fleas?

[Lookin 2 B Free]

Growing up with an NPD parent, every person in our family, and anyone else who came into our sphere, was always assigned a value, a place on the hierarchy of "how do you compare to the NPD."  (Almost always quite low with a few who earned a place on the pedestal. - probably also NPD's.)  The rest of us were given turns being either a favorite in that instance or someone to be scapegoated and publicly humiliated.  We all got both, with the latter being very scarring.  It's taking a lifetime to try to heal the shame and the fear of the humiliation.     

As an adult I have always found myself looking to see where I am in the pecking order compared to others.  Often I feel low enough to be wary, fearing that I might end up suffering humiliation. . . and maybe even feeling I deserve it.    I don't want to be doing these comparisons at all!!!     They're automatic, probably as a way to protect myself from getting hurt.

Even more disturbing than the above situation is when someone "ranks" even lower than I do and then that person is slightly rude to me or challenges me.  I react internally (not outwardly) just like a narc would.  I think to myself  "How dare you!  Who do you think you are."  If there's one thing I don't want to be doing it's taking after the NPDs who have populated my life.  I really hate that I sometimes react this way even though I don't verbalize it.

What do you think?  Is this narcissistic injury and outrage I'm experiencing?  Could it be envy that this person doesn't kowtow to their "higher ups" the way I have all my life?  Fleas?

[SeaBreeze]

In my unprofessional opinion... the fact you are aware of this aspect of your personality -- and that it bothers you -- indicates fleas. PDs tend to lack that kind of self-awareness and/or don't consider themselves flawed. (The rare PD who *is* aware, in my experience, tends to hate themself but take their self-hatred out on others rather than actively seek healing.) 

Your family sounds a lot like my first uNPD husband's family. When I divorced him, I not only left him but his entire disordered family (centered around his narcissist mother). My experience was very much like descriptions given by former cult members after escaping the group and its leader. It was very demoralizing and crazy-making, making my own PD family of origin look downright normal in comparison! It took me years to shake off those fleas, and I'm still a work in progress as I quietly plan to leave PD husband #2.

I'm sorry you had to grow up in such an environment. You are here on this forum seeking answers, and that's a very good sign and a very good step forward. Much of the Toolbox offers ways we can work on ourselves, and I encourage you to really explore that helpful resource. You may be dealing with post-trauma, so you may want to focus on that aspect of healing and recovery?

I'm always sorry to see yet another person in need of this forum, but as always, I'm happy you have found it. Out of the FOG has personally been a lifesaver, and I hope you find the help you seek here as well. 

[Cat of the Canals]

In my unprofessional opinion... the fact you are aware of this aspect of your personality -- and that it bothers you -- indicates fleas. PDs tend to lack that kind of self-awareness and/or don't consider themselves flawed.

Totally agree. The fact that you are self-aware enough to recognize and even worry about it suggests fleas over a PD.

I heard a quote once that was something along the lines of, "Your first thought is what you've been conditioned to think. Your second thought is who you really are." In this case, your first thought is the conditioned thinking that comes from being raised in a PD family. But your SECOND thought, the one where you say, "Oh no, I don't want to think that way." is the real you. And to add onto this idea, I think whatever your action might be speaks loudest of all. You've said you don't verbalize the thought, and I think that speaks volumes in terms of your true values.

My unPD mother's words and values sometimes intrude into my thoughts this way, and I've begun challenging/correcting those conditioned thoughts outright, which I like to think has started the process of getting rid of them (or at least separating myself from them). Now when I catch myself having a "mom" thought, I think to myself, "That's mom talking, not me. She may believe this, but I don't."

[pianissimo]

I think that narcissism is more about the controlling attitude to relationships than having flaws. Not one moment with them is authentic, in a sense that, even when you talk about the weather, there is something else going on in their mind.  Nobody is perfect. But, some feel sincere and some feel fake. Fake ones stand out because the way they behave towards you doesn't match the way they speak with you. There is this constant attempt to gaslight you.  They try to manipulate you to get what they want when there is no need for that. I think it's more than feelings, or having a reaction to a particular situation.

Nevertheless, I think that addressing personal flaws improves the quality of life. One thing abuse does is to give you an internal critic that tells you what a terrible person you are. This is especially the case when you do something good for yourself, or feel good about yourself, or make a mistake, or defend yourself. Instead of judging yourself for the way you feel, give yourself space to feel what you feel and try to understand what is triggering you. It's OK to be unfair, unreasonable, or difficult sometimes.

[Lookin 2 B Free]

Thanks, everyone.  Maybe this is a case of needing self-compassion & understanding.  It takes a long time to transcend this stuff, especially when you grew up with it.  I could look at the other side of it and feel really happy I had the support and the willingness to do as much healing as I have.  I'll just keep at it.