Do you feel like you have some bpd traits....

[bostonbound]

from living with your bpd relative all those years???  I know I am not bpd...I don't fit the description but I struggle a bit with relationships.  I don't really think I learned healthy interactions....

[Justme729]

I question myself constantly and wonder.   I struggle with relationships.   I struggle to be a "team player" sometimes because I struggle with my past traumas of not being heard.   Sometimes I have a hard time letting go.   I strive for perfection.  I've been accused of caring too much in my job.   However, I disagree.  At least at the core.   Then, something will remind me how I am not her.   My trauma is part of me, but doesn't define me.  I won't let it define me.

[Sneezy]

I think it would be unusual to not pick up some traits from living with PD relatives.  I struggle with being co-dependent.  My covert NPD mom raised me to be the dutiful daughter, and so I'm a people-pleaser, have trouble saying no, and don't like to disappoint anyone.  My DH has different traits.  His HPD mom treated him almost like a second man of the house (confided way too much in him and was way too enmeshed in his life).  So DH sometimes feels rejected, especially if I'm in a mood where I need some space.  His feelings get hurt more easily than he will admit.  And he never admits that he is worried, instead his worry comes out as anger.

You are right when you talk about not learning healthy interactions.  We didn't have good role models.  But I think the very fact that we are talking about this means we are too self-aware to actually have a personality disorder.  At least I hope that's the case 

[bostonbound]

Just me....similar.  I was never "heard" as weil.  I think I over compensate now for that.  I know I'm not a bpd but I feel like living with one gave me some bad habits.  sigh...

[bostonbound]

Sneezy - I struggle with people pleasing vs standing up for myself.  I get mad at myself if I feel I'm letting someone walk all over me and feel guilty when I say no.  It's such a constant source of angst for me.  Either I'm angry with myself or feeling guilty.  Hard to let it go.

[Spring Butterfly]

from living with your bpd relative all those years???  I know I am not bpd...I don't fit the description but I struggle a bit with relationships.  I don't really think I learned healthy interactions....

So very true, others cannot teach us what they themselves do not possess. There's a Toolbox topic called fleas, that's how we refer to what you're speaking about. The good thing is you are self-aware as opposed to a PD person who is often not aware at all that they have a problem with emotional regulation and other issues. You're in a very good place to learn and grow with so many tools here

[Cat of the Canals]

I think it would be unusual to not pick up some traits from living with PD relatives. 

Agreed. If you think about it, we are fighting decades of conditioning to think and behave a certain way. Some of that conditioning was overt: our parents telling us: do this/don't do that/be this way/only nasty people behave like that. Those "lessons" are hard enough to overcome, but then there are a thousand other unspoken lessons we were taught as well.

I am also a (recovering) people-pleaser doormat type. Sometimes when I'm trying to avoid those behaviors I go too far the other way and become something akin to a BPD hermit, with boundaries so rigid, no one can get through.

[AlisonWonder]

I do.  But it's really funny how I couldn't see it until I was already halfway out of it.  I hope it's halfway.

[LemonLime]

I think I got fleas.  I used to be quite inflexible and had a very very difficult time hearing negative feedback.  I got super-defensive, and it ruined more than one friendship.  I really regret that.   My self-esteem was poor, but I didn't realize that.   I was so envious of people not for their looks or accomplishments, but for knowing who they were and not being afraid to be themselves.  I was so far from being able to express myself that I didn't even know WHAT I wanted to express.  So I chose to take up very little space in the world.

I had/have a hard time knowing what I feel.  It's like I'm on a time-delay.   I clam up when I'm angry because I am afraid of my anger.  I don't feel like I have a right to it, and I'm afraid I will rage like a PD.   I don't want to look like that.  I'm embarrassed by it.

I'm just now finding my voice.  I'm just now, in middle age, figuring out who "I am". 

Things are better because I married the right man...one who insists that I communicate when I'm angry.  And I got therapy which mainly helped me realize why I have fleas. 
I'm horrified when I think back to how many people I disappointed.  Because I was nice and accommodating on the outside, but when there were normal ups and downs and conflict in a relationship, I over-reacted.  I did sometimes apologize but not always.  I sometimes just found a way to end the friendship but I always felt bad about it.  I'm very ashamed of how immature I was.
I know I am not a PD.   But I very much recognize traits, especially the defensiveness, that I used to have.  Thank goodness they're so much improved but I'm sad for the time I lost.
The only consolation now is that I think I've managed to end the PD cycle.  My kids seem free of fleas.  Yay!

[JenniferSmith]

For those who want to dig into this topic, there is an inexpensive book (also very cheap if you buy used) that is based on schema therapy.   I personally think it is one of the most helpful self-help books I've ever read. The idea is that those of us who grew up with difficult childhoods can develop unhealthy patterns in our lives ("schemas").   We might be using the term "fleas" to describe this.

The book has a questionnaire at the beginning and based on your answers, it will help you identify which schemas are strongest for you and then specific things you can do to change that schema.  The title is a bit cheesy, but the content is very solid . There is also a textbook for clinicians if you want to dig real deep into the schemas and how to work on them.

https://www.amazon.com/Reinventing-Your-Life-Breakthrough-Negative/dp/0452272041/ref=pd_bxgy_2/146-0492151-9381834?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=0452272041&pd_rd_r=810b27e7-24a2-49b4-96b7-082a5a98bc1f&pd_rd_w=Y7IHE&pd_rd_wg=U6iB2&pf_rd_p=f325d01c-4658-4593-be83-3e12ca663f0e&pf_rd_r=G0K0X1M0SBS4WDZZPHTM&psc=1&refRID=G0K0X1M0SBS4WDZZPHTM

[Boat Babe]

I've got some serious fleas, even now at 63. 

[xredshoesx]

when i hear my mother (and her mother) coming out of my mouth i stop, breathe and if i can't get a handle on it it's a sign to me that i need to go back for another round of therapy.    it happens.  it's how we deal with it that defines us as nons.  be gentle with yourselves today.

[GettingOOTF]

I think it’s impossible to be raised by someone without picking up some of their traits, good or bad.

Children learn by watching the behaviors of others. What they see in their homes is their normal. Our closest relationships as children are where we learn how to relate to others and to ourselves.

I had many of the traits of my FOO. My underlying issue was Codependency rather than a PD.

I also think we all exhibit BPD traits at times.  Individual behaviors aren’t what defines a PD. It’s the collection of the behaviors and others that are missing.

I too struggle with building relationships. I’m doing a lot of reading on attachment theory. I’m also reading Do The Work by Dr Nicole LePera. This book talks a lot about how our childhood homes influence our behaviors and ability to build relationships as adults.

When I started my healing I looked at the things I liked least about myself or that I felt were holding me back and I worked in understanding and changing them. I worried that I had a PD or was somehow fundamentally broken. I came to see a lot of this was learned behaviors that I could unlearn and replace replace with healthy behaviors. On this site they call those behaviors Fleas and I think it’s a very accurate way to describe them. They jump on you and make you their home, but you can get rid of them with some work and changing your environment.

[Cat of the Canals]

For those who want to dig into this topic, there is an inexpensive book (also very cheap if you buy used) that is based on schema therapy.   I personally think it is one of the most helpful self-help books I've ever read. The idea is that those of us who grew up with difficult childhoods can develop unhealthy patterns in our lives ("schemas").   We might be using the term "fleas" to describe this.

The book has a questionnaire at the beginning and based on your answers, it will help you identify which schemas are strongest for you and then specific things you can do to change that schema.  The title is a bit cheesy, but the content is very solid . There is also a textbook for clinicians if you want to dig real deep into the schemas and how to work on them.

I've been looking for something like this but had no idea where to start. Thanks!

[Spring Butterfly]

I had/have a hard time knowing what I feel.  It's like I'm on a time-delay.   I clam up when I'm angry because I am afraid of my anger.  I don't feel like I have a right to it, and I'm afraid I will rage like a PD.   I don't want to look like that.  I'm embarrassed by it.

We get so used to stuffing it down and plowing through that it’s really hard to get in touch with the emotions. The emotion is what we feel in our brain in response to what’s happening in our world. The feeling is conscious acknowledgment of the emotion. When we don’t address the situation causing the emotion the body will escalate it until we notice. That’s the point when we can consciously articulate the emotion and when possible connect it to the situation. That’s the tipping point to breaking free of it - when we can tune into what’s happening and see it we can’t unsee that connection clearly and we begin to recognize it ever more clearly with time and practice. I’ve written some blog posts  how to do it and it’s helping me so much to share my journey and help others find their way too. It’s something so many people, not just those dealing with PD people, have gotten used to doing. So many of us go through life stuffing it down to plow through we forget how to tune in to the messages our bodies send us. I choose to remember and encourage everyone I meet to do the same. 

[ArmadilloKate]

The thought that "wait! Maybe I have BPD!" panics me at random times on the regular.

[blues_cruise]

I'm aware of having traits of it (anger, intense emotions and feeling empty) but it's always experienced internally rather than being taken out on others. I had wondered recently whether this might be quiet BPD but I think it's most likely part and parcel of c-PTSD, depression and having an extremely sensitive nervous system.

I'd always assumed my father was most likely NPD but looking back I can see strong BPD elements too. He'd go from fine to raging at the flip of a switch, plus would blow hot and cold with his friends and fall out with people all the time. I find when I get frustrated it's more of a slow build up which I have no intention of taking out on others, plus although I'm socially awkward and poor at maintaining friendships there's no fear of abandonment, fallings out or intensity to it.

Fleas are definitely a thing though and it's worth being aware of them so you can catch the bad habits. When I find my outer critic being horrid and criticising other people in my head, THAT's him.