Seeking Support!!! Please

[Thankyouforyourservice]

Hello all.
I’m new here and I’m looking for some guidance. I’m open to anything!
My spouse is in the military and has been deployed since 2019! We got married Dec 2019 and haven’t seen each other since January 2021 (COVID). Well, I will admit that for a few months in 2020 I was really depressed and was not as attentive as I should be in my marriage. However we of  stayed in constant contact and I was always a call away. I got into therapy and was doing more self care. I communicated my feelings to my wife the whole time and she encouraged me to be better! Well January 2021 came and she 100% wants a divorce .

Without details,I think we should get a mediator to communicate. She doesn’t yell or scream but she is so cold. It’s like a check on a to do list.

She says she has changed as a person and doesn’t want to be married. But also I don’t check boxes I use to check. And that she is too hurt to get over it. Or I deserve better NO she deserves better.

I’m blindsided because she always has believed in therapy but refuses to even consider it. She has made the decision and I have no say. I feel hopeless and out of control. This is unfair but she doesn’t agree AT ALL. She sees nothing is wrong and doesn’t understand why I’m completely heartbroken.

I have known her for 12 years mostly as friends. I have always been supportive and caring as a friend.  She “doesn’t want to ruin that.”  And get clearly agitated when I express how that seems impossible. 

Lastly. We have no kids and no joint assets. I own my home. She lived on base. We never lived together.

**she told me about having BPD a few months into the marriage.

[bloomie]

Hi and welcome to Out of the FOG.

I am sorry your relationship has fractured and you are hurting. I am thankful you reached out for support and insights from others as you process this unexpected change and your wife wanting to end the marriage and grieve that loss.

Sadly, we have to honor the stated wishes of others. We can offer to work through things through therapy and/or mediation, and they can refuse. It is a painful place to be in. To want to continue to try and build something with someone who is unwilling.

Take some time and settle in to the community here. Read through the posts of others and explore the resources at the drop down menus above. Make good use of the many book recommends and other online resources that can help validate your experiences.

Sending you peace as you find your way forward.

[Thankyouforyourservice]

Thank you for responding! I am so happy I found this site. I was feeling so alone but it's nice to see so many people with similar experiences. I am understanding that I can not control or cure my wife. It seems the best thing is to end it and work on myself. It is a sad thing but seeing so many thriving people here really gives me hope!

[Simon]

Hi mate.
I feel for you.

BPD is a strange one.
The coldness that you mention sounds very familiar.
It's really bizarre how they can just switch off their feelings so completely, and almost act as if you were never even an item.

Sounds like you have a handle on things right now, which is a good thing.
I could go on about my experiences with my BPD ex, but you'll find plenty on this board that will help you realise that many people have suffered at the hands of people with Personality Disorders, and that you're not alone.

What I will say is that what I took from my experience now that I'm 99% out the other side, is that I am so much better off without them.
I look back at all my relationships with many great memories and warm feelings, except for that one.
And you end up galvanised.
I've taken a few toxic people out of my life in the last 12 months, and I wonder why I hadn't done it before.
Life's too short to bother with toxic people.

And it's good that you don't have ties with her, like kids and joint assets.
That will make it easier to go no contact.
And I mean 100% no contact.
If you don't, and at some point in the future she decides she needs something from you, she'll reel you back in, get what she wants, and spit you back out. (If you don't believe me, check out some of the stories on here).

I would suggest blocking her on everything, like phone, email, social media, and only contact her through solicitors.
Sounds harsh I know, but save yourself a lot of pain in the future by acting now.

Good luck mate.
Good to have you here.