Adult anger and fantasy from parentification - resources appreciated

[Andrev5]

I have some deep anger I don't know what to do with. My anger rarely comes to the surface because I keep people away and manipulate them from getting too close. After a few years though in relationship though,  people want intimacy or reality from me and those are things I don't have to give and when they ask or point that out I destroy the relationship.

I live my life in fantasy, always telling myself stories about what's going on and who I am, but I'm deathly afraid of reality and not having the kind of control the stories in my head give me. I don't want to face my limitations which include a serious chronic illness and the mental/emotional effects of being parentified and emotionally incested by a mother who had a Pd of her own, and a narcissistic cheating father who left me to deal with her.  I survived by believing her and making her into a saint in my mind; I never had any perspective that she was unhealthy; or if I did I talked myself out of it. I only learned this when I was over 30 and got into therapy after she died.

Now I have a therapist and group I've been going to for 12 years but I still project on  them and can't see all my various issues I accumulated all at once so I feel constantly confused and if they reflect something about myself I didn't already see then I get rageful and I'm losing all the real relationships I have, but I can't figure out how to get in right orientation to my problems, or if I can then I am too tired from my illness to do the work.

So deep down, I am so bitter about what I went through and not being able to see outside of it that I just want to give up and stew on my couch until I die.

I found this site looking for a parentified child support group; if anyone knows of one I would appreciate it.

[Boat Babe]

Parentification is a pretty common experience with a PD parent and there's quite a few of us here who have endured it, so you are probably in the right place. It sucks the life out of childhood.

I was my mother's only emotional support for years. It was often inappropriate, confusing and draining. I lost all respect for her because of this. Life as a parentified child is totally lacking in fun. It also informed my adult life as I became a massive hedonist when I left home at 18 and often courted disaster with my lifestyle. I count myself lucky that I didn't end up with a raging addiction.

You sound like you are in a very dark place and my heart goes out to you.

[LemonLime]

I am so sorry.  You don't deserve this.  I don't have advice but I want to comment that you appear to be extraordinarily self-aware, and I'm no therapist but I think that being self-aware is one of the most important aspects of recovery.  Most people are not very self-aware.

I can relate, interestingly, to what you said about feeling angry when people reflect something about me that I didn't already see.  I wonder if I feel "out of control" when others see something "negative" about me that I didn't already see myself?   And is that what the anger is about?   I have noticed that although I do not have a PD, I have always been more defensive around criticism than many other people I know.   

Keep going, please.   You are making headway.  It's hard but you can do it, and we are here for you.

[pianissimo]

I relate to what you said about wanting to give up, stew on the couch until death. I think it's hard because it's real work. What you gain through doing the work is worth the effort. And the effort is no joke. It's tiresome. At the end of the day, I always feel like I want my mother, I also feel selfish about this. It feels like it's not OK to want this, like there is a failure in my part that I can't see or fix.

[1footouttadefog]

I saw a therapist video on YouTube that demonstrated people working on problems by examining the inner child emotions that were being triggered when they were dealing with other people's le in their lives.

It seems like such might be applicable to what you described above.

It sounds like you could potentially have a lot to grieve regarding your family of origin.  Not having the parents you deserved and not being able to just be a child who was protected and nurtured and things like that.

I hope you find some helpful resources and find your situation Improved.  Practice holistic self care in the mean time.  Intellectual, social, emotional, physical, etc.