Refuse to accept pressure

[sambellscoup]

I just realised after my recent encounter with one of my PD family members that the thing that has served me best in protecting myself has been to refuse to accept pressure from anyone.

What I mean is, the fake urgency that PD people will put on you to comply with something they've decided they need from you, or to simply smash a boundary because they're so offended by it. As soon as I get any feeling of being under pressure to respond to a request immediately, or pick up a phone call, or whatever, my immediate instinct now is to dig in my heels and not budge. To buy myself time to think. To refuse to be forced into anything because if they're trying to force me to answer a request on the spot it to pick up a call, they're up to no good.

In the FOG, I used to get caught up in their flurry of activity and attention and sense of urgency about something they wanted from me that, when I really thought about it after the fact, was not at all urgent after all. The only literally urgent thing I'm likely to ever be needed for is to call someone an ambulance or other emergency service, really. But if they're capable of weaponising the phone to torment me with relentless calls until they've forced me to pick up, then they're capable of calling their own emergency services and any neighbors who might help in the meantime. So far, it has never, ever been an emergency that calling me would solve.

You can probably tell by now that phone calls are a weapon of choice by my PD family and so I'm very distrusting of the phone now. But then most calls are from scammers these days, so I'm not the only one.

I worry about in-person pressure too but hope I can hold onto that same truth. If I'm under pressure to make a decision on something a little odd or out of the blue, and it feels uncomfortable being pushed to decide NOW, my hope is that I'll still hold back and refuse to be pushed into anything. I have a highly manipulative NPD brother who can unfortunately work this against me, but I guess some are just so extreme Thar there is no hope and they're always going to find a way to screw you around.

So I hope I also remember to go easy on myself if I fail to fully use this protection for myself since these people plot and scheme All. The. Time. It's normal to get screed over by them, unfortunately.

The best tool is to just stay away, but when I can't, I just have to do my best not to be dragged into anything I'm not comfortable with. And forgive myself if I just can't keep up with their cunning and get hurt sometimes, it's still 100% their fault.

But if a ramble I guess but I needed to express all that!! Hope it helps someone anyway.

[Boat Babe]

You've learned to respond rather than to react.

Reaction is immediate and more often than not does not serve us well, especially in relationships with PDs. It generates supply for them and leaves us depleted and further damaged.

Responding is a whole different ball game, whereby we engage our front brains and choose the best response to that we have at our disposal. 

I still react to certain triggers but I'm getting much better at noticing my reactions bubbling up and can take a few deep breaths to calm myself down, so as to best deal with the situation. It's a game changer.

Mindfulness meditation is an incredibly powerful tool to achieve this.

Well done on your responses.

[sambellscoup]

I used to feel guilty about not being able to do the more standard process of state boundary - state consequence - implement aforementioned consequence as promised. This does not work with my family. They see a boundary, they think "I must immediately cross it, and bring on the consequences, and then get even more enraged at the consequence and behave even more crazy" and it spirals up and up and up like that in a frenzy of smashing through one boundary and the next and the next with increasing vigour... They're downright scary when they know there are clearly defined boundaries that they can smash to hurt you.

But this responding technique works instead. I can decide I'm uncomfortable with what they're doing right now, state that I'm uncomfortable but without specifying an exact consequence for the behaviour, they'll proceed to keep doing the thing, and I'll just disengage as completely as I can. In fact they usually discard me afterwards.

It seems like if they know of a specific consequence, they actually desire to make it happen, and they'll proceed to work though all the behaviours I've stated boundaries and consequences for, making me implement consequence after consequence, at a pace that I can't actually keep up. So then they've got me overwhelmed and the consequences become a source of supply to them.

If I don't state consequences in advance, they can't predict how I'll respond, and I'm in more control that way, and it drives them away after a failed attempt to get to me because they're so offended that they couldn't mess with me after all.

[Cat of the Canals]

This is a great piece of advice for anyone dealing with a PD in their life. uPD mom plays similar games with phone calls, and I'm just now learning to resist the urge to respond to the pressure. It really helps to see it laid out in clear language like this.

In fact, I think I'll use it as a way to construct a whole new boundary for myself: when dealing with PD mom or PD mil, any question they ask or request they make will be met with a very simple answer: "I'll have to think about that and get back to you." Other variations: "I can't answer that right now." or "I'm not sure." or "I'll have to discuss it with Mr. Cat first."  My MIL in particular is a big fan of phrasing questions in a way that suggests she expects an answer Right Now. Not because it's anything urgent, but because she wants it now.  And she absolutely uses that to try to catch us off-guard. If we have a blanket response at the ready, we don't even have to put much thought into answering.

I used to feel guilty about not being able to do the more standard process of state boundary - state consequence - implement aforementioned consequence as promised. This does not work with my family. They see a boundary, they think "I must immediately cross it, and bring on the consequences, and then get even more enraged at the consequence and behave even more crazy" and it spirals up and up and up like that in a frenzy of smashing through one boundary and the next and the next with increasing vigour... They're downright scary when they know there are clearly defined boundaries that they can smash to hurt you.

I've felt the same way. I think part of it is never being taught how to set boundaries in the first place. Most resources with tips for setting boundaries are geared toward dealing with non-PDs (which is still helpful, of course), but the same advice and techniques applied to a PD person often has disastrous results.

[SparkStillLit]

I don't ever state any consequences any more. As you said, things just escalate like mad, and I'm not fast on my feet, and I'll NEVER be as fast on my feet as a PD.
Consequences now just HAPPEN. You start a circular conversation? Tagline and I'm out. Start ranting? I'm DEFINITELY out. Dog's on fire for sure. Snippy comments? No more conversation with me, I have better shit to do someplace else and nicer people to talk to.
And perhaps others could have better success with what I call more confrontational boundaries, like saying "I don't enjoy conversations that include those comments/words/whatever". Here, that's just an invitation to a giant row. So, you say that stuff, you no longer have my attention.

My mom is a phone abuser. SHE goes to vm and I answer in text when and if I feel like it. She reads texts & emails but won't respond in kind. I rarely feels strong enough for voice chat. Now and again. Same with popping by. If she picks up groceries, which is her thing, and I'm not ok for contact, I will zing by and get them when she is at work.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Well done!

I would say your disengagement IS a consequence, and the one that works best.