Addicted to PD Voyeurism?

[Starboard Song]

We are 5 1/2 years NC from my in-laws. They gave us one Silent Treat too many. Our NC has been pretty tight, except for interactions due to estate and family crisis matters in the initial year or two.

As my own parents begin to struggle with health issues, I have found a pattern: when my life is filled with stress I cannot control, I spend more time in imaginary arguments with my FIL. It sort of makes rational sense: my son losing one set of grandparents in the closer future makes me naturally moer angry about the wasted opportunity on the other side of the family. But really, it is like these imaginary arguments with him are (1) a stress I can control, and (2) a place where I can feel vindicated. This is plainly a sort of addiction: I have to teach myself, when I wake in the middle of the night, to not start start thinking, "well first of all, that email to the karate instructor was libel."

And there is a new break in the NC. It is one I could control, but I think I secretly enjoy the adrenalin shot of reading their bullshit. A third party is dependent upon my in-laws for support and life assistance, bless her heart. We sometimes learn of the terrible things they write and say to her. Just mean and petty. She's mentally handicapped, and they just don't know how to, or are unwilling to, accomodate that. When I allow myself to be exposed to how very broken they are, it should reinforce the righteousness of our position: that we were right to accept their Silent Treat.

But it doesn't work that way. I've been brooding: arguing with them in my head non-stop.

I'll kick. It's a bad addiction, but I'll kick. Until next time.

All y'all who feel at peace until you aren't again. All y'all hoping to get to a peaceful place. All y'all who wonder if you are doing a good job finding peace:

Here's to you.

It is hard, and perfection is rarely acheivable. But we can all do it......most of the time.

[theonetoblame]

Here's another thought...
Perhaps you are simply angry that your inlaws are not available to support you and your family during times of stress. As a way to process the anger, that you're perhaps not fully in touch with, you engage in cognitive roll playing of confrontation or conflict.

I can only speak from my own experiences, but when there are gaps in our support network we usually struggle with the lack of that support at the times when we need it most. Perhaps your life would be more balanced and easier to manage if your inlaws were an asset (in terms of self care and support) instead of such a massive liability.

[Happypants]

Starboard Song, this really resonates with me.  I actually spent most of yesterday trying to find YouTube videos on the subject of being addicted to looking for validation and autonomy over my headspace.  When i can't find anything to feed the addiction I tend to move on to ruminating over past experiences and how I should have reacted, how wrong they were, then ultimately begin questioning myself, and so on.  When the "arguments" begin, it's usually me coolly maintaining boundaries in the exchange of them projecting their preferred narrative onto me, and them ramping up, then I'll be back to questioning myself.  Every day, in between attempts at work, chores and YouTube searches - part of me is convinced there's a perfect video/book/blog out there that will say the right thing and give my whole self back to me.  I suppose recognising the addiction if a step in the right direction 

With regard to the waking in the middle of the night part?  I've had some success with nipping that in the bud upon realising we're at the mercy of different brainwaves and chemicals in the middle of the night - it's NEVER been a good time to explore any problems and anxiety is inevitable.  Sometimes I surf the net, sometimes i get up, but there are some subjects that i know I'll only poison myself with while the perpetrators sleep soundly 7 miles away 

[Amadahy]

No good words here, starboard, but all the best and brightest wishes for your peace.  I'm sorry.

[SonofThunder]

Starboard Song, your imaginary arguments resonate with me also. You have good company here.  In fact, I have found that running scenarios over and over in my mind is great practice for the real thing. 

I enjoy the mind-scenarios and attribute them similar to how the police, fire and military run constant mock drills in prep for the real thing.  It's clearly visible when one of them is interviewed after a real event, as the response is always the same.  "Just doing my job...we practice for this all the time". 

Routine-based athletes, such as gymnasts and certain track and field athletes, run the routines over and over in the mind, just before they translate it to real action in competition.  So again, I enjoy being prepared and tell myself it's something I must do, in order to be ready for the real thing.  Then, when the real thing occurs and I am able to perform well in self-protection, it is a deep joyful feeling to know that my time in mental prep paid off well.   Cheers to your mental practice!

SoT

[Penny Lane]

I do this too, also in times of stress. I typically attribute it to the fact that I don't have the energy to stop myself from doing it when I'm stressed. I suspect that my brain is trying to run these scenarios all the time, to make sense of senseless PD actions. And my self preservation edits it, because I know it's not helpful. But when my self preservation is focused on other things (getting through a family health crisis, say) I get sort of stuck.

My therapist told me that thought patterns are like rivers and they create grooves in our brains, so the best thing you can do is to try to disrupt it whenever the offending thoughts start to appear. So I try to do that. Sometimes that leads to dreams where I confront BM and argue with her and have a satisfying win.

I'm sorry about your parents and I'm sorry this is all so hard. And it really is hard! The only thing to do is to accept that this is how they are, they aren't going to change, and no amount of being right will fix the situation. But that is so much easier said than done when it means your son will not get to have the loving relationship with his grandparents that he deserves, that there's a parents-shaped hole in your wife's life.

[SunnyMeadow]

Starboard Song, your imaginary arguments resonate with me also. You have good company here.

The arguments resonate with me too Starboard Song. I do it quite often and they can get very detailed. I also have conversations in my head with some people who have passed and they have to do with my uNPD mother. It became a habit that was making me angry everyday. I had to redirect my thoughts to avoid this constant turmoil running through my brain.

In a way, I feel it's beneficial to have these thoughts and arguments in my head. It keeps me strong and angry enough so I don't let my guard down. But for me, it was taking up too much space in my thoughts so I had to redirect myself a bit. 

Ugh. these PD people consume so much of our lives and they just aren't worth it.

[Leonor]

Hi Starboard, I do this, too.

Here's my two cents:

Like Penny Lane, my t said that trauma creates brain patterns, and so when the brain is unoccupied, it goes back to the trauma. It's not a form of addiction or self-punishment: it's a survival skill. After all, what happened when we were little and our guard was down, when we were sleeping or chilling or not paying attention? Abuse. So the rumination in times of anxiety is something to be embraced and healed, not judged or "stopped".

My second cent is that maybe your brain goes there because the feeling is left unaddressed. If you're down on yourself for wanting to argue with your fil, how is that going to help you feel better about yourself? It isn't. It's just heaping shame on top of anger.

Feeling afraid and then judging yourself for being a scaredy-cat,feeling mad and scolding yourself for it, hmm, who does *that* sound like? Who treated little Starboard that way?

See where I'm going with this?

Now maybe you absolutely *should* have a knock-down drag-out with fil and anyone else who has it coming! You can totally go into a wooded area, or an open space, or any place you feel free, and just go ballistic. I mean, no one else has to be there (it's better that way too because it frees you.) Yell at that sob. Who does he think he is? You go give him a piece of your mind. And you do it every time you feel the mad come up. No judgement, just total acceptance. Because maybe you keep feeling mad because you are still mad.

I did something similar with a teddy bear,poor old bear. Empty chairs work well, too. And for the days I thought I would totally lose it, I beat the heck out of my sofa cushions with a foam baseball bat until my arms ached and my voice was hoarse and my tears had been all cried out.

Maybe you just need to yell at your fil.

[zak]

I realised two years ago that I was like this, and when triggered or stressed could only work through this stuff by mentally dialoging and overthinking ad infinitum. I realised that I was really tired and wanted to circumvent the process somehow to quickly get to a more peaceful place. And let's face it; when you have PD's in your life, even if you're NC, things will come up that trigger you and boom, there you are again.

I sought counselling as I was seeking a 'go to' process to interrupt my tendency to go down the mental rabbit hole so to speak. My T helped me with a process called Thought Diffusion which helps you with strategies to seperate from negative or unhelpful thoughts.  This link might be useful https://dialecticalbehaviortherapy.com/mindfulness/thought-defusion/. It's a name it, claim it and tame it practice so it might be helpful to you too 

My T gave me this Decision Making Tree to use when triggered.

What is the problem/thought/issue

Do I have control and /or responsibility over it ?

If Yes - Problem Solve and move on.
If No, or if I am rehashing, debating or second guessing - Go to Thought Diffusion. If the problem/thought/issue is emotionally charged - Use Cognitive Challenging then Thought Diffusion. (https://www.innermelbpsychology.com.au/thought-challenging/).

I hope this is helpful. Actually I'm glad I read your post as I'm having a rough day today and need to revisit this myself.