Treating you like a servant

Started by Jsinjin, April 05, 2021, 06:33:19 PM

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Jsinjin

Quote from: Empie2204 on April 11, 2021, 08:33:32 AM
I had to be ready and at disposal at any time. I bet my narc regretted that I was not on remote control.
When I dared to complain I was called uncooperative.

His favourite command was "You will buy me this... or you will wash me this jacket."
Emphasis on WILL (= no chance of avoiding) and on ME.

And of course nothing I did was good.
(Damned if you do, damned if you don't.)

After I left him I told him that the reason for my leaving was that I was not worthy  enough, so I decided to withdraw.

He perceived that as a lethal offence.
But I was too emptied, exhausted and worn out to care.

Empie, are you ok?   This sounds kind on the abusive side of manipulation as in potentially physical.   Stay safe.   

Thoughts and prayers.

Jsj
It is unwise to seek prominence in a field whose routine chores you do not enjoy.

-Wolfgang Pauli

Jsinjin

Thanks all for the thoughts on this.   

My experiences are that I'm not expected to do anything.   I'm not commanded or told to do something as a task.   I'm just not noticed or engaged with at all unless there is a specific need for me and then the interaction is only like a coffee maker or washing machine.   I do what is asked because that's the way she sees me as a servant.

It's a weird dynamic because I am the single sole and solitary breadwinner and we are well off.  She doesn't demand anything of me specifically but the expectations is that like a machine it's just understood that I do the work and be present when needed.  I'm also under no circumstances allowed to do anything she hasn't approved.  Even putting away groceries or stopping off to buy a gallon of milk on the way home or rearranging my own vehicle glove compartment or disposing of ties and shirts from my own college era (20 years ago) can result in explosive anger.   But otherwise I'm completely ignored.   

An example: we live on a very large suburban lot of 2 acres.   It takes several hours to mow it and she would never mow it.   She hates garden and lawn tractors for some reason so we can only buy a hand mower.   I Lead a large team at a multinational company and I run a second consulting company.   My time is short and I like to use leisure time for kid and joy activities.   I wouldn't dare buy a garden tractor because of the potential for violent anger.   Our neighbor had a lawn service and as a treat to myself and to save time I took money from my travel reimbursement and hired them at a reasonable rate to mow.   After the first time, while I was standing there she took the envelope from me I was using to pay them, handed it to them, without speaking to me she informed them that "JSinJin will be mowing his own property from now on and their services will not be needed anymore"

Except she doesn't have to do the mowing.   I don't like to do it, I bought the property and paid it off, I work hard jobs, Her only role is unpaid elected official with dozens of meetings and calls per week but it's basically volunteer work.   She never even asked me what I wanted to do, simply decided that I would be mowing my own property as though I'm just an appliance.   Never spoke about it, never treated me as anything but a servant.  Wont even engage with me to talk about the issue or what I want.   We also don't struggle financially.   The houses are paid off, the cars and kids college are paid off.  But it was decided for me that I'm the person who has to mow the lawn as a simple matter of fact.
It is unwise to seek prominence in a field whose routine chores you do not enjoy.

-Wolfgang Pauli

Empie2204

#22
Quote from: Jsinjin on April 11, 2021, 11:25:42 AM
Empie, are you ok?   This sounds kind on the abusive side of manipulation as in potentially physical.   Stay safe.   

Thoughts and prayers.

Jsj

Yes, I'm OK now. Thank you for you concern.  :wave:
Since August 2019 I don' t live in our house.
Our relation was abusive, now I see it. There was no physical abuse, but mental, verbal and financial was more than enough.
In my post I wanted to illustrate that it' s quite common for them to take us for more than granted.
They need their living inventory always available.
Stay safe and strong!


Poison Ivy

Your posts are distressing, jsinjin. I hope you soon will find the courage to free yourself and your children from your wife's harmful behavior.

JustKeepTrying

Empie2204 - I am so glad you are safe and ding better.  Your post concerned me as well.

jsinjin - I agree with Poison Ivy - your posts are distressing and I hope you find a way to be free.  Sending you hope and hugs

Fae Greenwood

Oh Jsinjin, I'm so sorry to hear about this. Years ago I was told by my uNPDh's administrative assistant that she was his "work wife." It was a brief social trend about 2010. I was quite bothered by that and no I don't think there was a sexual relationship between them. I was bothered because as husband and wife, we should have a unique relationship of mutual trust and care, and she and he were equating my marriage to her work as an assistant. I've since realized that, in fact, he does see our marriage as transactional. As long as he was getting what he wanted from it in the form of some payment he was satisfied. He once told me that as I made less than he, I had to do all the housework and some yard work to make up for the deficiency. Evidently giving birth and mothering his children, caring for him when he was ill, and smiling and seeking to make his life warmer by my loving presence counted for less than what labor he could extract from me. It was a bitter realization. February 21, 2016, I decided to put my back to him. No more reaching for his hand, no more seeking to sit next to him, no more greeting him at the door with a welcoming smile, no more kisses and "I love you." I had always deliberately slept facing him and when after 32 years of marriage I slept facing away from him, he didn't notice. He didn't notice the no-smiling for a year until an adult daughter spent an hour with us and asked him about it, and he didn't mention greeting him at the door for another 2 1/2 years. The lack of kissing and hand-holding were, I think, noticed early last year, after 4 full years of their lack. About that time he began musing whether I'd be as well off financially if I'd married someone else. He didn't muse out loud if I'd be more or less happy, just how I might be financially. All those attempts to build an emotional bridge between us, to give and receive physical comfort, to make our home a safe place, all turned out to mean nothing to him. He does point out when he's nearly out of underwear and laundry needs to be done. He's keen on making sure I'm cooking often enough for him. I am requested to run errands for him (I always seem to get them wrong) or make phone calls for him (I always ask the wrong questions) or scan documents or replace printer ink or paper (that I evidently can do correctly) or be able to explain what this paper waved in front of my face meant (I fail every time on that one). He's realized that divorce means I'm taking 1/2 of our assets and future income with me so he's backed off of the financial inequity complaints but yes, his behavior says that he doesn't view me as his equal. I think that he's incapable of an genuine loving partnership. You wife sounds like she is the same. Something in them is off, some well of human attachment is dried up and stopped up and cannot refresh anyone including them. There have been periods in our marriage when he seemed attached to me but in the end he rampages across my pathetically few boundaries and he drains me of life and joy and it hurts and now I want to be done. I missed my best chance to leave 3 years ago and then the conditions changed. If I leave now, it will negatively affect our oldest daughter's finances (I watch her kids so her husband can work and we are in a financial deal helping them buy a new house) so I'm staying but I'm done pretending to feel a love that was casually and contemptuously rejected. I have my checklist to leave and I'd like to think that I'll depart then. Have you made a checklist for when you will leave with your therapist? You may already be there. You have mentioned friends and family who are ready to stand beside you. Maybe your time to go is now. Just don't miss it like I did and extend this unhappy part of your life. Extend mercy and grace to yourself as you would extend it to another in your situation. Good luck.
I have to remind myself constantly that I am responsible for my choices but not the choices of anyone else.

When we have a child, we give a hostage to fortune and to the other parent.

I may not respond as I have to sneak onto this site and more than a quick view is challenging.

ploughthrough2021

Not just with me. She also has a longtime friend who is the other servant until he got diagnosed with cancer.  As I am on my way out, she will have to look for another live in servant....

Empie2204

They are cold.
Just as we don˙t know how does the life on some other planet in some other galaxy looks like, they know love just by word, lexically.
They see that something is wrong, but never consider the possibility of their mistakes. They are limited towards us, just as we are probably limited towards some faraway civilisation, That is why there are so many collisions between us.
Reading all your posts reveals that they all give us shivers in our everyday life. One way or the other.
But what can they offer verbally, sometimes exceeds all expectations.
I see that they all expect their partners to be capable and ready to serve them, but if the partner is a split second late or makes a tiny mistake - he/she is called an incompetent loser.

For those of us who left the abusive relationship, the first impulse to those who are still there is: Leave!
But with my experience I know that it is easier said than done.
No one leaves until the critical point is reached. For some it is sooner, later or never.
I tried to live detached, practising NC and grey rock and I didnĀ“t achieve anything: neither his change, nor my peace. Whichever way you look, it is humiliating.
There is really truth in the old saying that everyone is assigned the burden he can bear. It only remains to recognize when it becomes impossible to bear.

ploughthrough2021

On top of me, she had a friend who was the second servant until he got diagnosed with cancer recently.  Now, she will have to find some new servants.

Jsinjin

Two weeks and counting!    Not one word to me that wasn't a request, a critique or a necessary discussion on kids or pets.   If I don't pull the interaction out of her I don't exist.   And it's been two week straight of nightly meetings for various civic activities.   Typically from about 6-10.   I don't think any of us matter.
It is unwise to seek prominence in a field whose routine chores you do not enjoy.

-Wolfgang Pauli

square

That sounds incredibly sad and distressing.

And I know you know this, but just to validate: You're completely right about your lawn. In every way.