Struggling to accept reality of a PD sibling

[willowdreams22]

Hi everyone, this is my first time posting on here. So I found out about a month ago that my older sister has a personality disorder. I assume she was diagnosed with BPD, but I personally believe she has traits of ASPD too. I was physically and emotionally abused for as long as I can remember. I'm 20 now. My younger sibling and parents were also abused by her. I don't think that my parents have BPD/ASPD, but rather my birth triggered her to develop a PD as suddenly the attention had to be shared. We also have a three year age gap between the three of us which is the prime time that a PD develops I believe.

I realised that something wasn't quite right when I turned about 18 and saw through all the bs. My sibling has done a lot of attacking, throwing, screaming, punching, damaging property etc throughout the years (started primarily when she was 11 (hence my theory of ASPD - conduct disorder). She threatened suicide last year after we didn't get something for her but she has threatened suicide on multiple occasions growing up. I've grown up in initial fear of her but eventually just had to accept that she is the way she is. My parents did indeed discipline, but she began controlling my parents too (accusing them of being narcissistic and emotionally abusive) and I think they backed down and pondered to her out of fear which I am guilty of doing too. I believe my parents are victims to her abuse just as much as myself and my younger sibling are. I hold a lot of compassion for my parents as they tried their best, but I also feel so angry that they didn't protect us from the abuse. However I know it's my responsibility to control those urges when I do feel upset by it all.

I was informed that she has a PD and although I already had a suspicion of her having one, I didn't really feel anything. More like a feeling of damn there's your sign to trust your intuition because I've always known something wasn't quite right with her. But I was more shocked at another piece of news that my younger sibling told me. She told me that she thinks she has DID as a result of the abuse and trauma and honestly it broke me. It still does. It honestly made me feel sick knowing that my abuser is the reason for her DID. I think this is where my anger comes into play and I don't know how to deal with it. I feel so angry, upset, betrayed and broken that this is the reality of everything. In addition to that I figured that I most likely have CPTSD and have done for a really long time. Three bits of information thrown at me and not having a clue having to deal with it all.

My parents have told her that she needs to leave the family home and it will happen soon, but she likes to dig her heels in. When my parents told her that she needed to leave after damaging property she went on an absolute riot damaging even more property. I don't lie that now I do have moments where I feel unsafe around her. I don't know when her next move is going to happen. I wish that none of this was real and as a result of everything, I feel like I have no future. I'm sick of pretending to be okay and happy at work when I'm anything but, and I want to reach about about what's going on but I am so terrified of doing so.

Once she does leave the family home I don't want anything to do with her. She is actively in therapy working on her diagnosis, but right now I can't bare being around her let alone having to keep up pretences when she finally leaves the family home. I realise that I need space to focus on myself. My parents do wish that we could all get on, but I think deep down they understand why myself and my younger sister want nothing to do with her, they are slowly bringing their heads above the water whereas myself and my younger sibling are already there. I just need to hold on that little bit longer and be patient and believe that she will eventually move out, it's just the feeling that it will never end, but I know it will. Peace will come soon.

Thanks for reading this nonchalant ramble:) 

[moonset]

Hello willowdreams22 and welcome to the forum. I'm new too, and also have a sibling with a PD (I'm not sure which one, probably NPD, but I digress).

I'm so sorry that you've had to endure life with a family member who inflicts such violence, manipulation and cruelty. You didn't deserve it, and neither did your younger sibling. Your parents should have protected you from her abuse, and although they may not have PDs, it sounds like they were not able to set healthy boundaries, which can be a sign of codependency, often another crayon in the box of dysfunctional family system roles. The good news is, they are setting boundaries now, and asking her to move out. But if the property destruction continues, is this something your parents would feel comfortable calling the police about? What your sister is doing is illegal and she's threatening your mental safety - they would be well within their rights to ask for the law to step in, if local law enforcement can be trusted to do the right thing. For your own wellbeing, you need to remove yourself from this situation if possible, asap. Are there relatives or friends you can stay with temporarily? Would your parents be able to help you and your younger sibling rent somewhere temporarily so you're both out of harms way?

It also sounds like you've had an onslaught of information thrown your way. There's A LOT there to unpack and process. But, there's no need to deal with all of it right now - try to focus on the things within your control. Get away from your sister, first of all. Then dealing with the realities of CPTSD is the most pressing, when you have some distance  There are some things you can do now to begin healing, and they will makes it easier to cope with and process everything else. I too have CPTSD from family abuse and after several years of talk therapy, what's actually helped the most is reading 'The Body Keeps the Score', a book about how trauma changes your brain and connection to your body, and then for practical advice, discovering 'The Crappy Childhood Fairy' on YouTube. She gives great advice for CPTSD sufferers and has some free, short exercises on her website that can help you feel a little more in the drivers seat and able to tackle everything else. If you search for her on YouTube it comes up.

In the meantime, be safe and welcome <3